So, I read Between The Sheets by Meg Bellamy this weekend. What can I say, you gotta read it to believe it.
Because this book was so special, I insist on giving it the full KarenS stylie treatment.
Here’s the blurb: (BTW, this review contains SPOILERS)
Girl Woman Singer first shot to fame with her angelic voice when she was just an embryo…. I’m kidding of course, she was actually a young teenage girl.
Four years ago, Girl Woman Singer decided to take a hiatus from celebritydom in order to get her Philosophy degree, (yeah, that was a WTF moment for me too) but now she’s back at the ripe old age of twenty two, and desperately wants to prove to the world that she has matured, and is no longer the teeny-bopper that they all knew and loved.
In order to prove that she’s evolved into womanhood, Girl Woman Singer decides to tackle a more mature brand of music (she means ballads,… doesn’t that foetus Jo-Jo sing songs like that?), but the problem is, her producer isn’t quite sure that her audience is ready for the leap.
Big Boss Record Producer insists on getting his pal and movie critic (who’s renowned for telling it like it is), Boy Raging Cock, (tell me I don’t have to explain this name?) to give his opinion on whether or not he thinks Girl Woman Singer is able to cut it as a more mature singer.
Boy Raging Cock tells Big Boss Record Producer, that Girl Woman Singer hasn’t really lived life, and it shows in her execution of the songs. Apparently she needs to have lived a life of pain, drugs and drama in order to sing these songs as they were really meant to be sung. (I’m thinking Whitney did much better before the drugs, the husband, and the bad hair day… but maybe that’s just me)
Unbeknownst to Boy Raging Cock, Girl Woman Singer is listening to this conversation, and bursts into the room, incensed that this movie critic dare cast such aspersions on her ability to sing real songs.
In the book, this is when we are introduced to Girl Woman Singer. (Great first impression.)
Boy Raging Cock finds that his traitorous wanger keeps pointing at Girl Woman Singer during their somewhat heated argument, and beats a hasty retreat in order to avoid any embarrassing situations.
Girl Woman Singer is still furious and later contacts Boy Raging Cock in order to show him that she’s all woman, and sets up an elaborate seduction in order to prove her point (I couldn’t get the words casting and couch out of my head at this point. Sigh)
Basically, Girl Woman Singer and Boy Raging Cock, spend a passionate night together, sucking each other’s faces, and filling various orifices, and spilling various liquids.
In the morning, our two intrepid lead characters, decide that they were made for one another, and thus, decide to continue seeing each other.
In the mean time, there are two snakes in the garden of Eden, also known as Evil Paparazzi Reporters. Needless to say, they make things difficult for our hero and heroine.
But as with all romance books, everything is sorted out in the end, and Girl Woman Singer and Boy Raging Cock live happily ever after.
Jesus. Effing. Christ.
Now, the premise of the story, was a fairly interesting one, which is what drew me to the book in the first place. I’d actually only gone to the publisher’s site to look for a link, but the thing is, once I get onto those sites, I start browsing, and the next thing you know, I’m bloody buying. Anyway I digress…
The cover was rubbish, but I didn’t let that put me off, because the story sounded really good.
And it would have been… had it been written by Katherine Allred. (sorry, couldn’t resist Emjai) Anyhoo I had some MAJOR issues with this book. I’m really not sure how it got published.
It was amateur at best and f*cking awful at worst.
The heroine was so damned annoying, I spent half the time, hoping that the hero would have a psychotic episode, and beat her over the head until she stopped talking, and thus stopped irritating me.
She was supposed to be this girl, who was trying to prove that she was woman enough to sing love songs, but honestly, she came across as incredibly immature and petulant. (Did I mention that I wanted her to meet with an untimely accident?)
I was also staggered by the fact that she decided to seduce the hero just to prove that she was a woman of the world. From a practical point of view, I’m not so sure it’s wise to stalk a man and stick your tongue down his throat after having known him for all of two minutes. In years gone by (when I was a teenager), she would have been called a bitch-assed ho, but these days, this just makes her a liberated woman, so let’s just go with that shall we?
Also, for somebody who had majored in Philosophy (what kind of subject is that anyway?) she was bloody clueless.
The hero also left a lot to be desired, and he wasn’t even an arrogant asshole. He was just… well, he was just stupid. No more, no less.
The execution of this story was the poorest I’ve come across in a while (Even JW Mckenna did better… shit, did I just say that aloud?) and I’m still trying to figure out, how it got past the editor. It was just all over the place, and there were actually some glaring inaccuracies in the book, which I can’t be arsed going back to find in order to reference for you.
Technically, the book was incredibly flawed, the characters had very little depth, the dialogue was kindergarten-like, and amateurish, the situations that the characters found themselves in were too unbelievable to be taken seriously, and I still don’t believe that the hero had such a huge cock, with such a tiny brain. Two words. Frontal lobotomy.
All in all, (for me at least) the book stank, but the positive thing about Between The Sheets, was that I felt that the author had really enjoyed writing this book, unfortunately until I read another of her offerings, I’ll probably reserve judgement as to how far she’s going to go.
BTW Meg, if by chance, you Google search your name a hundred times, and find this review, please know this, I asked somebody else to do this write-up, but she read eight pages and couldn’t finish the book, (and no, I didn’t offer my own opinion before she started reading.) so don’t blame me, blame her.
Yeah, Anne, I’m talking about you *g*
Also remember, it’s just one teeny tiny opinion, and is worth shit in the great scheme of things.