Posted in: Authors behaving like twits, There is no such thing as bad publicity right?, there's a fucktard born every minute
I usually don’t do the whole “You’re just jealous bitch!” thing, and use it as an excuse for fuckheaded behaviour, but I have to say there can be no other explanation for Chancery Stone’s never-ending rants on her blog (sorry, not linking), about Nora Roberts.
Well, there is the attention-seeking-let’s-promote-my-books-at-all-cost thing, but judging from her past fucked up behaviour, that kinda goes without saying doesn’t it?
Yeah, that’s the one.
Anyway, poor Chancery Stone seems to be suffering from the worst case of professional jealousy I’ve ever witnessed.
It seems that she’s got a massive hard-on for our very own Nora Roberts. No, really.
Personally, I believe that her tactic is to stir up enough shit, (the jealousy is very real too though) so that La Nora fangirls will go over to her blog to give her what for, discover her literary masterpiece, that she’s desperately trying to flog to all and sundry, and buy said book to see what the fuss is about.
Unfortunately for her, she actually needs some kind of readership to get anything going.
Anyway, because I’m always there for the desperate and the needy, I decided to post a few examples of the stuff she’s written. Here’s a fairly tame excerpt to start you off with:
Well, Nora Roberts – what can I say?
Well, first off, let me say I’d never heard of her before September the 3rd 2008. Actually, I lie, I hadn’t heard of her until September the 4th 2008, when someone posted this, “Oh, my heavens. I never thought I would live to see the day when Chancery Stone tried to administer the smackdown to Nora Roberts. NORA ROBERTS” at Karen Knows Fuck-all. But She’s Got a Big Fucking Mouth Regardless.
Hey, I’ll have you know my mouth is of average size. No, really, it is. And I do too know something. I know that Chancery Stone wrote three books that she couldn’t sell to any decent publishers, so she went the vanity press route. I also know that she wrote approximately 99% of the favourable reviews on Amazon herself. See? I do know a few things.
Anyway, here’s another excerpt from the same long-assed rant:
Nora Roberts is, in fact, not a fangirl lurker but an internationally ‘famous’ (except to me, obviously) bestseller of romantic fiction.
No, I’m not kidding. She is. Pages and pages and pages of that girl all over Amazon. All of them with “International bestseller” plastered all over them. Admittedly she is not nearly so famous in Britain as she is in the States, which may go some way to explaining me never having heard of her, and, admittedly, I haven’t read a Mills & Boon (Silhouette in the US) romance in over fifteen years, but I must have passed her in the supermarket (not personally, you understand – “Why, hello there, Nora, out gettin’ a nice bit of beef, are we?”).
You’ll have to excuse Ms Stone, I believe that she believes that she’s too literary for us romance types, hence her obvious disdain for Mills and Boon books. Such blatant snobbery is amusing, especially in light of the fact that she’s having trouble finding a decent home for her porn amazing literary masterpiece. It’s ok dearie, those bastards in those big publishing houses obviously don’t know a genius when they see one. *g*
After discovering her ‘true identity’ I hared over to Wikipedia for a quick look, not sure if she’d be in there.
Hell, yes, overrun with fangirl trivia. And you won’t believe what I found over there. Nora has awards. Walls full of ’em. Nora has won no fewer than 23 awards, according to this fabulous site, all but 3 of which were awarded by that esteemed organisation, The Romance Writers of America. Didn’t you just know they were going to show up again?
But that’s not all. It gets better. Nora is “a founding member of The Romance Writers of America”. No…. And she was its first “inductee in the organization’s Hall of Fame.” Well, shove me over with a feather.
I thought I’d witnessed true jealousy before, but after reading some of Ms Stone’s rantings, I can honestly say I’ve never seen anything so sad and – well… pathetic.
This comment amused me greatly: (Talking about La Nora)
You’d think with a public profile, and a reputation and all, she’d think to keep her mouth shut.
Yeah, she really wrote that.
Anyway, here’s some more before I go off to bed:
Well, Nora Roberts has certainly made a fool out of me. She’s been making mincemeat out of my ideas for writing The Perfect Novel – i.e. one that sells – for the past week now. (See the previous seven million blogs, starting with Writing for the First Wall)
The ever-expanding list of Things Chancery Got Wrong has certainly taught me not to write about ‘how to write fiction that sells’ without first consulting a Zen master. And Nora is the Zen master. I never thought anyone would fill Barbara Cartland’s shoes after she died. I felt that her ‘style’ of writing would blend away into the mists of time, along with her pink meringue frocks and her ugly little pouffes of dogs. I thought audiences had got too sophisticated. I felt sure she belonged to a world that no longer existed: the world of manly men and womanly women and adjectives placed grotesquely in the wrong place.
Shows what shit I know.
I am ashamed to say I did not know Nora wrote what is fondly called “Paranormal Romances” until her heroine went to a cupboard to find her wand. I choked, and the heroine then pulled out a broom.
Oh now she did it! She mentioned Barbara Cartland, and pink meringue frocks, whilst trying to denigrate the genre. How very individual of her. *g*
This next bit made me tear up a bit:
But all this is incidental to the ways Nora has shown me up. Here are but a few:-
1. No good title. Nora has the most unremarkable titles I’ve ever seen. In the entire week I was reading the book. I was totally unable to remember the name of it. We ended up referring to it as “Fire-up My Ass” because it was the only way we could identify it whenever it got lost. In fact, it’s as if her book titles have been made deliberately generic so that readers do indeed feel as if they are reading the same book over and over. Hmm, maybe that’s no accident after all.
2. There is no twist of lemon. This was the worst blow of all. Remember me saying that what publishers and readers wanted was more of the same, but with a twist of lemon instead of lime? Nope. Not true. Nora has no twist of lemon. With Nora there only is lime. And then lime. And more lime.
3. No plot. There’s a ‘bad force’ on the island; witch girl must beat it. That’s the plot. Apparently for all three novels. The encounters with ‘the plot’, such as they are, are so incidental that they disappear entirely by the end. There’s wolves, pentagrams, lightning and a bad Hitchcockian car and cliff-edge scene and that’s it. The ‘bad force’ has all the threat of a trick-or-treat costume. Episodes of Hector’s House are more alarming. No plot. None. I didn’t think it was possible outside a Booker novel. Wonder if her publishers have thought to enter it?
4. No villain. The ‘bad force’ is so unbad that it wanders in and out like a forgotten extra. You wouldn’t think it was possible to write a novel with no dramatic tension, but Nora’s done it. There is no tension between the heroine and the hero. There is no tension between the invisible villain and the naked-and-crystalled blue-flamed heroine. In fact, so in control is she that you never doubt for an instant that she is going to whup that big bad wolf’s ass.
5. Flowers. Yes, I didn’t expect them either. But flowers have a starring role in this novel. As do fairy ornaments and long dresses and books and homebakes. (What is it with romances and food? That’s something that hasn’t changed from Barbara’s day either.) The heroine talks more about her flowers and her garden – which looks like something out a Disney movie – than she does about the ‘threat’ of the villain or the entirely absent heroics of the hero.
6. Herself. Yep, unlike many authors who either purposefully disguise themselves in their novels, or write about themselves unwittingly, Nora actually strides into this novel as herself. Guess what character she plays? No, go on, guess. You’ll never get it. Nora plays… (drum roll)… An Author. On a book-signing. Which just happens to be a perfect, almost mythic, book signing, with lots of pre-sales (or pre-sells as she has it) and more copies than she’s ever sold before and lovely food and flowers and a book shop moving mountains for her. As if that wasn’t enough, Nora The Author has slept with the sexy hero. And gets to snog him. Gosh, no………….
I could go on with this list, but I won’t. The humiliation is too painful. Without even trying, Nora has actually finally managed to deliver me a “smackdown”. I, too, like Stephen King “am amazed by Nora Roberts”. No plot, no tension, no point even, and she’s still piling ’em in the aisles and selling ’em cheap. I have nothing but endless admiration for her.
Well there you have it.
Nora Roberts, romance author extraordinaire sucks, and Chancery Stone, promo troll extraordinaire, is proudly “saving the world from mediocre writing”, by advocating incest and calling child abuse sexy.
It’s a pity she hasn’t been able to sell her masterpiece to a decent publisher isn’t it?
Apparently Slow Cooked Press (who don’t seem to exist anywhere on the internet) wrote about her book:
“You wouldn’t believe how much you could identify with a man who pees on his brother.”
Hey I have an idea, maybe she should send her work to New Concepts Publishing, I hear they’re desperately seeking authors at the moment. I’m pretty sure she’d fit in with Madris and Co. like a pig in shit.
There are lots more rantings about Nora on her blog, and at one point she goes off on a tangent about La Nora being obsessed by families, of all things. No, I didn’t really get it either, but in Chancery Stone’s world, it probably made complete sense. I’d say she was mad as ten badgers, but I fear I would be doing badgers a terrible injustice.
One thing I can’t figure out about her though, is why she feels she has to write her own favourable reviews on Amazon if she’s doing so well, can you?
Anyway, there’s nothing left for me to say, except for this: Chancery Stone, you’re not fit to lick Nora Roberts’ boots, even after they’ve been immersed in dog shit.