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Here's Your Chance To Write An Ad For A Job At New Concepts Publishing...

We haven’t talked about NCP in a while have we? Well let’s see how they’re doing shall we?

Apparently their doors are open to new authors and they are “always taking submissions”. Of course they are. Their authors are leaving them in their droves, and are asking for the rights to their books back, left, right and centre.

I also heard that they asked Blogger.com to tell Ellen Ashe to delete all the NCP-related posts on her blog. The real shame of it, is that she did. If I’d still been using Blogger, and they’d written to me, I’d have moved the whole damn blog before I took a single post down.

Anyway, it seems that they are still looking for people to work for them:

Here’s the ad for the author liaison role: (You remember their former liaison officer don’t you? James Lightsey. He’s the guy who allegedly tried to sell new NCP print books on Amazon, so that TPTB wouldn’t have to pay any royalty to their authors. Stellar guy.)

Position: Author Liaison

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Answer emails from authors/handle author problems-keep email and physical addresses current-return contracts-filing contracts-routing artwork questionnaires-update contracted books list(Excel)-send authors marketing/promotion tips-company updates-artwork. Scheduling information-track author orders/booksignings. Online promotions (author/reader chat group)

That didn’t sound much like their old author liaison person now did it? Also, didn’t Madris get rid of the Reader Group a while ago?  Shall we attempt a re-write?

OK, here’s mine:

Author Liaison Officer

The ideal candidate must have a firm understanding of how a legitimate e-publisher works. He/she must show a willingness to lie, and cheat upon instruction. He/she must be an expert in the art of prevarication, and have the ability to give vague answers whenever questioned about inconsequential issues, such as royalty payments not being received.

He must also be fully commited to screwing authors over when necessary. Professionalism is not an absolute requirement, but the ideal candidate must be able to refrain from using the C word to describe his/her authors. The F word is much more widely used and acceptable.

The ideal candidate must have some grasp of the English language, but must not get hung up on inconsequential details like the appropriate use of punctuation, and the utilisation of the spell-check function.

Whilst we here at New Concepts Publishing, do not believe in showing favouritism to any specific author, the ideal candidate will have a comprehensive understanding of what the term ‘black-balling’ refers to, and must be willing to initiate this action upon request, or as he/she sees fit.

Now, doesn’t that sound more like it?

Anyway, there are a few more positions available, here’s one for a customer service person:

Position: Customer Service/Receptionist

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Customer Service-answer customer emails–handle customer order problems-bookstore liaison.
Receptionist-phone calls-mail pickup-mail routing/sort-take phone orders-rout mail in orders-type invoices for both mail in and phone orders–order routing.

Here are a couple more to choose from:

Position: Editors/Proof readers

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Editors/Proof readers-edit-proof read manuscripts. Write blurbs and one liners for books. Requires superior knowledge of grammar/excellent reading skills and ability to read and evaluate all genres-good well rounded knowledge. We publish Romance and Erotica-subgenres Contemporary, Historical, Fantasy, Futuristic, and Paranormal, and readers must be able to spot a wide variety of problems in
areas from scientific to historical details. If you are easily offended by graphic materials, you should not apply. Familiarity with outlook express, typing skills, good working knowledge of MSWord.

Position: Bookkeeper
Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Bookkeeping-payroll-accounts receivable-accounts payable-royalty statements-taxes-stock ordering-billing.

So how would you guys re-write any of the above job ads?

The winner will have the privilege of having their ad posted on the blog.

I know, my generosity knows no bounds.

13 Comments »

  • Customer Service: Be able to quickly and efficiently hit the Delete button on any customer queries and complaints, lose and/or shred customer orders. Because, after all, our customers aren’t our business. Self-interest is our business.

    Receptionist: Must possess attitude in droves. Be able to hang up on or put angry customers on hold indefinitely. Must be able to rout checks directly TPTB and shred anything resembling a royalty check.

    Editors/Proof readers: Since we here at New Concepts Publishing believe that it’s the author’s job to turn in a fully polished manuscript, the ideal candidate will enjoy minimal responsibilities. Knowledge of proper grammar and syntax are optional. Knowledge of proper American English spelling also purely optional, knowledge of LOLspeak desired. In the interest of creativity, we here at NCP believe that proper standard English is for pussies, anyway.

    Since we publish a wide variety of subgenres within Romance and Erotica, the ideal candidate’s knowledge of scientific and historical details should range from minimal to nonexistent–after all, who among our poorly educated, mostly illiterate American readers is going to notice or even care about the difference between a farthingale and a peruke?

    If you are easily offended by graphic material, and/or are affiliated with RT or RWA, we desperately want your application.

    Familiarity with Outlook Express and MS Vista required; ability to make scathing comments via MS Word’s editing and track changes features an absolute must.

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  • Which reminds me of an email I was sent back in May by Megan. I was emailing NCP because there was a three month period in 2007 I never received a statement for. I contacted them and asked for the info and never got it. We were going back and forth about the issue via emails in 2008 when in one of the emails they sent me Megan talked about their problems hiring staff. The typos in the email are hers not mine ;-)

    “Our end of the contract does not even require us to sell the book. If we sell your book, then we are required to pay you, which we have. Procuring statements in a timely manner is only curteous, not part of the contract and not a breach of contract if neglected. I know that it may not seem to be, but NCP is a small company . . . small. We have thousands of customers and hundreds of authors and very few employees that work long, hard hours tyring to placate customers, bookstores, authors, and the like. This brings many to suggest hiring more help. We do. Constantly. Unfortunately, flame wars and other agitants have scared away many employees in our small town and many other employees that worked from their homes via the computer. I hope that this letter may help you to understand that our resources are limited.” Megan, NCP

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  • Yes, I truly truly regret deleting those posts. The day I was threatened by blogger I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired of the whole poisonous lot at NCP I capitulated. Almost instantly I realized I shouldn’t have. I swore at myself for being so stupid. And now I hear Madris is threatening to sue anyone who publishes her letters- whole or in part- in any public forum so her tirades are even more vicious. Last spring she suggested English must be my second language. Now that she has a sense of freedom to rant she refers to fallen authors with insulting derogatory name calling. Horrible.
    *kicking self in the butt once more*

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  • Ellen, while I can totally understand why you wish you hadn’t, girl, I’m not sure I could have held up under the pressure of what you were going through, least of all with the grace I’ve seen from you as it’s been going on.

    So, not much point to the posting here, lol, but I hate to see you beat yourself up when there are so many who wish they had the courage to stand up with you.

    And, man, much as I’d love that ad, lol, I’m not sure I can top those entries by L.E..

    How about this one:

    Bookkeeper: We are searching for average person with average to below-average mathematical skills. We’re hoping your ineptetood will enable us to claim plausible deniability in reference to any statement errors that go out or misappropriation of funds. We would hope that you have heard of Excel, but do not consider it a necessity. Must be able to write scathingly inappropriate slap downs via email, however, as authors are prone to complaints, and must be willing to write them for the public support of the publisher and owner (hereafter recognized as a single entity), immediately upon summons. Must also be willing and able to jump into any other job for the publisher, should anyone be irrationally fired, quit or arrested without notice.

    Okay, now I feel evil.

    Thanks Karen, I soooo needed that.
    Dee

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  • MM
    October 10
    11:42 pm

    I have a question. Since when is a letter automatically copywrited? I mean, if my dad writes me a letter and I publish it on line, can he sue me?

    Nowhere in any of my contracts does it say email or snail mail letters are “copywrited”. Some emails may say you can’t share the contents, but just because they say it, does it make it so?

    I’ve wondered about this since the very beginning. If anyone can shed light on it, I would much appreciate it.

    Thanks.

    MM

    MM

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  • First, I want to say that I find NCP’s actions appalling.

    Okay, next, about copyright. I’m not a lawyer, but common sense and a little legal knowledge tells me this:

    Anything a writer writes is copyrighted the moment they write it.

    However, there is this little thing called fair use, which allows someone to use portions of that work, particularly if there is no financial gain and you are attributing the words to the correct source.

    In other words, if I’m doing a research paper about self-important publishers who take great glee in abusing authors who dare ask for pesky unimportant things like royalty statements and I quote a few lines from an email sent to one of those authors, and attribute it correctly to the original writer, then I’m not in copyright violation. This is fair use. There is absolutely no expectation of privacy in email anymore than there is in any other “copyrighted” work.

    I suppose I could be wrong, but that’s what my understanding of the law is.

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  • I can’t believe these guys are still in business. Are they still selling any books at all?

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  • Thanks, Dee! ;) Glad to help.

    Please, if Madris and her cronies haven’t sued anyone by now, they aren’t going to. Seriously, does anyone really think they want their dirty laundry and shady business practices aired in a court of law? Do they really want a judge to see evidence of written threats and non-payment? I highly doubt it.

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  • Anon "NCP Bad Apple"
    October 11
    2:58 am

    Actually, in reality Madris likes to call her authors “morons” to their faces…and that is the exact term she uses to refer to her authors in correspondence to other companies, like third party distributors.

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  • Anon, I’m quite certain that the 3rd party distributor realizes that this type of behavior reflects more poorly on the publisher than it does on the author. I say this for authors who are worried their reputations will be sullied? Who would take this woman seriously? Not anyone I’d want to work with, that’s for sure.

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  • Unfortunately the controversy doesn’t appear to be hurting their finances, which is a real pity.

    http://www.alexa.com/data/details/traffic_details/newconceptspublishing.com

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  • Hi Karen,

    This past week I received two vicious, nasty e-mails from NCP in which I was called several names: idiot, moron, thief, liar and psycho. After the second e-mail, which I never answered and have no intention of answering, I severed all direct communication with anyone at NCP.

    In regard to authors being blackballed, for any author reading this I was told by a good friend and NYT bestselling author that NO ONE in the publishing industry–whether e-book or print–would listen to any negative comments NCP might have to say about a former NCP author. In fact most print publishers have never even heard of NCP. If there were only “1” author having problems with NCP that might be different but their are numerous authors involved.

    Recently, the owner of NCP mentioned my name directly in a comment she posted to the NCP author loop. She did this after threatening to sue me for copyright infringement should I post her e-mails to me in any kind of public forum.

    I am doing my homework involving the issue of copyrighting messages sent and received via the internet and will get back to you later on this.

    If the case I have against NCP goes to court, the nasty e-mails that were sent to me will be revealed and I can’t imagine that it would sway the outcome in their favor. After all, who would choose to run their business this way?

    Cher

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  • Karen, if any position is overlooked, here’s a suggestion:

    Official Position: Token Non-Publisher-Family-Member “Bestseller”

    Responsibilities: Public Publisher praising, group post moderation

    Qualifications/Responsibilites: The person taking this position must be willing to submit a novel-length manuscript of a Romantic nature which they agree will be published by company. Must agree to forgo adequate editing of published manuscript(s) and willing to deny any and all charges of publisher responsibility in case of charges of poor writing/editing or purely ridiculous storyline. This person will also be expected to repetitively praise professionalism of publisher and publisher’s company within ranks of Morons, aka general House authors. The Token Non-Publisher-Family-Member Bestseller must be willing to remain supportive of company when royalties are overdue. In Moderator capacity, this person will be responsible for denying approval of any posts contrary to publisher interests. Must be agreeable to nepotism shown toward all Publisher Family-member authors and agree not to yield any in-family information. This position requires flexible knees, sanitary lips, and and the capacity to kiss rectums on demand. Experience in professional cheerleading preferred. Self-esteem and knowledge of the Egyptian river Nile, not required.

    ~Baily & Capo looking in

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