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No Sex Before Marriage? Ya Think?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Posted in: random ramblings

Last weekend, on The Big Questions, Nicky Campbell and Co were discussing the subject of sex before marriage.

There were a couple of girls who were advocating waiting, on the show, and they made a lot of sense, but as a grown woman, there’s no way I would have wanted to do the deed on the night I got married. The nervous anticipation, and build-up, and ridiculously high expectations? Oh, no.

Losing my virginity was totally underwhelming anyway, so the thought of experiencing that same feeling on the happiest day of my life? I think not.

What say you? Would you guys have preferred to wait, if you could have a do-over?

20 Comments »


  • Dawn
    January 27
    11:05 am

    For myself, I didn’t wait and I don’t particularly remember the first time, so it must have been a pretty “meh!” experience. I’d never argue against anyone waiting, but that wasn’t for me.

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  • Emmy
    January 27
    11:45 am

    I did wait until I got married, then kicked myself in the azz because it was noting to write home about, lol. All I could think after was “I waited twentyfuckingthree years for THAT?”

    I blame romance books, which I had been reading for about a decade by then *g*

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  • Kimberly Anne
    January 27
    12:39 pm

    I’m so glad I didn’t wait until my wedding night. Way too much pressure. And since my first time wasn’t so great (it hurt like hell, frankly), it would have been awful to start my marriage that way.

    I say do what makes you happy, but my husband is very much against waiting until marriage. What if you find out you and your spouse are sexually incompatible? The night after you’ve bound yourself until death to someone is not the time to find out that they are WAAAY kinkier than you.

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  • I always figure sex is something that better be fun while you are dating.

    Besides there are millions of little things much more important than the sex when talking about marriage so get that out of the way fast. I recommend waiting at least an hour before doing so.

    It is more important to find out does he snore? Does he kick you in bed while asleep? Does he keep the car clean or treat it like a dumping ground? Who does the cooking and who does the laundry?

    These are much more important things to know.

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  • All I remember from my first time was A LOT of pressure, pushing (into my body, not emotionally being pressured) and discomfort during the act, and feeling ‘odd’ afterwards. Not the way one wants to spend their wedding night. Nevermind the sexual compatibility concerns–great kissers aren’t necessarily great at anything else….

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  • MB (Leah)
    January 27
    1:57 pm

    Oh gawd, I could never have waited until marriage. I didn’t want to get married.

    I was one of the lucky ones in that my first time was very nice. I wasn’t in love with the guy and I chose when and with whom I wanted my first time to be with. That maybe sounds clinical, but for my first time I wanted it to be a learning experience. It was like I wanted to know what all this sex stuff was about and I was very prepared.

    And I was very glad that I did it that way because when I really did fall in love the first time, I wasn’t a fumbling novice and the sex, with love, was just so mind blowing and deep. I think it was because I was already very relaxed and comfortable about sex and my body. Plus I had something to compare it to.

    And what Teddypig said.

    I don’t judge what people want to do though, if they want to wait, more power to them. I get that.

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  • Sam
    January 27
    2:07 pm

    I’m all for abstinence IF that is what you want. But for me, um no. For God’s sake, when you go shoe shopping you try them on, you walk around, make sure they’re comfortable and they don’t hurt you…and those things only go ON you.

    Don’t do it with just anyone (unless that’s what floats your boat) but don’t wait until the wedding night to find out he’s a one-minute or less man, or just all over the place or just not good or doesn’t care about your end of the deal.

    My kids school is 98% abstinence only (they have other speakers for ONE day and ab guy (and he’s a youth minister) for 2 WEEKS). That isn’t doing it for me and I’ve told them that I don’t expect any more from them then I did. Of course, I only mention living with their dad, not that I was 15 1/2 when I first went down that path with my high school boyfriend. They don’t need to know everything.

    Sam

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  • Anonymous (just because)
    January 27
    2:34 pm

    Because I never married I would still have been waiting and THAT would have been too sad.

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  • Not Tellin'
    January 27
    3:16 pm

    If I had it to do over? Shit, I’d never have gotten married and instead would have fucked like a mink.

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  • I didn’t wait until I was married.
    I don’t want my kids to wait, either.
    Of course, I don’t want them to be hoochies who sleep with anyone they date, but I DO want them to experience sex in all it’s glory. The last thing I want for them is to never do it, and then end up stuck married to a guy or girl who has weird sexual kinks that cause problems.

    That happened to a good friend of mine. She dated the same guy all through high school, and when they were 23 they got married. They had made out, heavy petting and stuff, but they didn’t consummate until well after they were married, and now they have to see a sex AND marriage counselor because he can’t stay hard unless his fetish happens.
    Ick.

    (I’m not posting the fetish. sorry)

    I can’t imagine being stuck married to someone who had kinks like that.

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  • Randi
    January 27
    3:39 pm

    I’m with MB. I researched the guy (a nice player who had a rep for not wanting a commitment), I picked the time, and I picked the place. I just wanted to get my virginity out of the way. And I’m still happy with my decision (15 years later). Although, I think the event was more traumatic for the guy, than it was for me. I mean, it hurt and I cried, but he was totally freaked out because I was crying and what not. He ended up being a total sweetheart and I’m still friends with him.

    So to answer the question: no, I wouldn’t want a do-over.

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  • I think the best message is wait until you’re an adult. As in legally. And emotionally. And financially (at least to a point.) Sex is an adult thing and that’s what we should emphasize for myriad reasons, the least of which, fewer kids having kids.

    I didn’t wait, but I was an adult my first time both legally and emotionally–though not financially (in college.) And my first time was actually pretty terrific.

    Also, I think that engaged couples, particularly, should not wait. They need to know if the sex is good. Or can be made so, at least, before they’re married.

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  • I don’t plan to marry, or to be celibate–so that’s an easy one for me.

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  • Bonnie L.
    January 27
    5:30 pm

    I waited and I’m glad I did. Yes, the wedding night wasn’t fantastic, however I wasn’t expecting it to be. I have enjoyed learning about and exploring sex with my husband and knowing that this is a journey we have only shared with each other. Since we are completely comfortable with each other it is easy to try new things without worrying about what my partner thinks and often with his complete and enthusiastic support ;)

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  • I can honestly say I wish I would have waited.

    It’s a very personal choice, though, and what seems right for one isn’t going to work for another.

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  • Keishon
    January 27
    6:22 pm

    I’d advocate waiting but it is a personal choice for what works best for you. To add, I wouldn’t want the complications of bringing someone else’s prior sexual history to the marriage bed, quite frankly.

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  • Las
    January 27
    7:33 pm

    No way. And I’m a survivor of 12 years of Catholic school, 4 of those in an all-girl school with the most abstinence-obsessed nuns you can imagine. (Of course, our brother school had no such obsession. Priests are so much cooler than nuns. Let me tell you about some of the conversations I’ve had during confession…)

    Honestly, I think waiting until marriage is actually not a good idea in the vast majority of cases. Not that people should hop into bed with anyone that comes along, but I’ve noticed that the focus on abstinence until marriage makes people more sex-obsessed than those who go with what feels right to them without making a hole belief system out of it. Ever known someone who waited until marriage who wasn’t absurdly young? One rarely–never for me–hears of a virgin bride who graduated college and was truly financially independent before tying the knot.

    I also have a problem with the focus being on female abstinence, because no matter how much lip service is given to the idea that both genders should wait let’s not kid ourselves–it’s all about the hymen. And since I’m not all that jazzed about marriage anyway and I’ve never had any intention of dying a virgin, waiting for anything other than me wanting to was never an option.

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  • Lorraine
    January 28
    4:35 am

    I didn’t wait and have no regrets about it. I had a wonderful boyfriend who I loved and the experience was great. I would have liked to be a bit older than I was, cuz I was really young, but…*shrugs*

    While the romantic in me loves the idea of waiting for the wedding night, the practical woman in me says WTF, what if you’re not compatible, for whatever reasons. How awful. I tell my kids to wait until they’re adults and fall in love. I would never encourage them to get married without having first made love with their prospective spouse.

    I’ve worked with a couple of young women in their early twenties who wanted to wait, and it was impossible for them to find anyone willing to date them for any length of time. Back in the day when I was dating I never met a man willing to wait longer than 3-4 weeks to do the deed.

    Ultimately, I’m a big believer in live and let live. If you want to wait and can find a partner of the same mind, go for it. If you want to have lots of partners, go for it. To thine own self be true.

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  • West
    January 28
    4:53 pm

    Didn’t wait, never planned to wait, glad for it. Of course, part of that is because I’m not particularly interested in getting married, and celibacy just plain sucks. Now, that being said, I do not fault those who wish to. I think it’s kind of crazy, but if it works for them, then I respect that, because I don’t have to right to make that choice for anyone.

    And yeah, totally underwhelming for me, too.

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  • willaful
    January 29
    6:33 am

    My husband and I lived together for five years before we got married, I think if we’d waited for our wedding night, we would had been pretty damn tense. ;-)

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