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spank-me

This week’s dilemma is as follows:

You just started dating a guy (Let’s call him Roger). He’s a well educated man, and he seems to have a lot going for him. He has a good job, and he’s pretty well-off, and more importantly, he doesn’t come with any excess baggage, e.g. crazy ex-wife.

On your second date he tells you that he likes a good whipping now and then, and that in fact, it’s an essential part of love-making for him. He wants to know if you’d be willing to spank him after you’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.

What do you do? Do you say yes, and spank him when the time comes, or do you do a runner, thinking that he’s just too weird for school?

What do you do?

This Friday Dilemma was inspired by a similar question over at CreoleInDC’s blog

29 Comments »

  • I think it would depend on what he was like apart from the spanking. If he was naturally submissive in everyday life, then no. I don’t want a man who’s going to lick my shoes. If he was a confident, assertive guy who just happened to like a little spankie-spankie during sex, no problem.

    Now if it was a woman? Wouldn’t matter. I’d be all over that.

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  • Sparkindarkness
    May 8
    9:12 am

    Oh yes 🙂

    Ok, replacing “give him a spanking” with “indulge him in a kink that is turn off” then… well if the relationship was going forward I would try it (willing to give it the old college try) unless the squick factor is so strong that the very thought repelled me (in which case the relationship probably wouldn’t be going anywhere). Now if I tried it and it was still a complete off? Weeelll then negotiations start and how good the rest of the relationship kicks in

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  • Spanking’s rather tame compared to some of the holy-crap-you-put-that-where?! fetishes out there so I probably wouldn’t mind indulging every now and then. It’s the “essential part of lovemaking” that gives me pause. I think I’d get bored of the spanking after a while. It seems like it might make sex rather predictable. I need variety, you know?

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  • I’d be a runner. His need for it would be too much for me to stick around and indulge him in it.

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  • Heidi
    May 8
    11:25 am

    Color me prudish…but I don’t want to be hearing about anyone’s sex fetishes on a second date 😛

    That aside, if it’s an all-the-time thing (which is sounds like from the “essential part of love-making for him”) I would have to pass on poor Roger. Kink here and there is fine…but I wouldn’t commit myself to any kind of relationship where the “essential” bit of getting it on just doesn’t do it for me.

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  • I’d probably say goodbye-I’ve got no problem with kink, but spanking a guy isn’t a turn-on for me.

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  • Mireya
    May 8
    11:56 am

    On a second date dropping that bomb? Suffice it to say I’d think twice about going on a third date provided he tried to ask me for a third one. Though I appreciate the fact that he wants to be up front, second date is a bit early for me to discuss sexual likes/dislikes.

    Would I say yes if, say, we continued dating? I think I would try it at least once.

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  • KCfla
    May 8
    12:15 pm

    Probably not, for the two reasons that ring my *warning!* bell (apparently I’m not alone).
    One- This is told to me on our second date? I don’t even know the guy that well and he’s already discussing us doing the “horizontal rumba”? TMI there for sure.

    Two- “essential part of love-making”. Ah, no. Not “once in awhile”, “just for sh@ts and giggles”, but ESSENTIAL?
    No, just. no.

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  • MB (Leah)
    May 8
    12:45 pm

    This would depend on the guy. If he’s all light and playful about it and has a sense of humor, then yes if it were a once in a while thing. But I wouldn’t want it to be something he “needs” to get off every single time.

    At any rate, this would be the better option than “I need to spank YOU every once in while and it’s essential to my love making.” Um… NO.

    As far as springing that on a second date, well better to get all that stuff out in the open before too much emotional investment, although on the second date? hmmm.

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  • MB (Leah)
    May 8
    12:46 pm

    This would depend on the guy. If he’s all light and playful about it and has a sense of humor, then yes if it were a once in a while thing. But I wouldn’t want it to be something he “needs” to get off every single time. In that case, see ya.

    At any rate, this would be the better option than “I need to spank YOU every once in while and it’s essential to my love making.” Um… NO.

    As far as springing that on a second date, well better to get all that stuff out in the open before too much emotional investment. Although on the second date? hmmm.

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  • I have nothing against spanking per se, or even the timing of the question. It’s not like he’s looking for it straight away as he does say after you’ve gotten to know each other a bit better.

    What I would want clarified is the “essential” part of the spanking. Not to be crude but…can he not get an erection without it? Would we have to do it every single time? Cos that would be tedious.

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  • I admit I’m probably totally sexist about this, but while I think it’s perfectly fine for women to like the occasional spanking, it somehow doesn’t seem at all cool for a guy to want it. Not manly, or something.

    As for the particular situation, I would think that’s something that should be discussed as early as possible, since it could be a total deal breaker. I’m kind of surprised that folks think the second date is too early for a discussion of something that’s out of the ordinary and ‘essential’ to one of the dating partners, but then I’ve never dated in the American way, so I’m not really up on dating etiquette.

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  • Barbara B.
    May 8
    1:43 pm

    What’s not to love? Sounds like the perfect man to me. I’d spank him and make him say his name is Toby!

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  • Sheila
    May 8
    2:20 pm

    Don’t have a problem with it at all, done it and still doing it.
    I think it’s okay to tell his kink on the second date, especially since he seems to think it’s something out of the normal. If he waits until they get emotionally involved, then both of them could wind up deeply hurt when his need becomes the deal breaker in their relationship.
    I would have to ask him what he means by essential because even though there are various ways of going about a spanking, it would eventually get old. Other than that, I would end up asking which he liked better a firm hand or a nice paddle.

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  • Las
    May 8
    2:21 pm

    Only if he’d be willing to return the favor. 😉

    I’d be worried about the “essential” part. I’m all for rotating various kinks in my sex life, but if he identifies as a sexual submissive then that’s a problem because while I like to switch things up often, I’m not exclusively a sexual dominant. We clearly won’t be able to satisfy each others needs long term.

    And if being submissive is an essential part of his sexuality, then I think it’s great that he’d tell me on the second date. That’s not something people can really compromise on, and why waste time with something that cannot work.

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  • I applaud him for talking about this early on–as Sheila said,

    If he waits until they get emotionally involved, then both of them could wind up deeply hurt when his need becomes the deal breaker in their relationship.

    Can’t really answer the question, though, because I would consider his telling me this just the beginning of a long discussion–essential how? [as someone said upthread, no spanking = no erection? or essential as in kink = good sex?] etc. etc.

    Hmmm… except, if it turns out he’s one hundred percent sexually submissive, I think we would end up just friends (no matter how take charge he were in every other area of life, btw)

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  • Anon76
    May 8
    5:01 pm

    I’m just not into the spanking thing. Not as a recipient, nor a giver.

    I would give the guy credit for being up front about it, though. It sucks to find out about an incompatible kink after the relationship has blossomed. (Especially with the “got to have it” part of this scenario.)

    Had a boyfriend who never told me about his love of “swapping”. We were living together at the time, and bammo, one night he just set me up with his friend, and then him with his friend’s woman. What a freakout it was to try and fend off this other guy. The entire time I was thinking, “dude, you are hitting on your best bud’s girl”. Turns out I was the ONLY one in the dark about the whole thing.

    That boyfriend was an “ex” in seconds. Why? Not because of the whole swap thing, but how it played out. I might have tried it (I was still in my early twenties and open to trying stuff to figure out my likes and dislikes) but he gave me no chance to decide for myself.

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  • That it is the second date wouldn’t freak me out. I think my biggest problem would be not laughing after he told me. Added to that, I would rather know sooner than later about his fetishes. I would also have to get know him a lot better before I made the whip/spank decision. But yeah, if that was the only odd thing about him then sure…what the hell…no one I know is “normal.”

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  • Louise van Hine
    May 8
    5:40 pm

    nope, not into it.

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  • I’d rather be the spankee, but yeah, I’d do it. Probably not more than once, though. Giving a spanking is not a turn on for me.

    My Dh hates to give back rubs. I know he would rather be walking on glass, but he does it for me because he knows I like it. That’s what relationships are–a give and take, right? As long as I’m not uncomfortable, then I think it’s okay to try something different. I suppose the spanking thing is not the same as a back run, though. I don’t know.

    Being told about a fetish on the second date doesn’t bother me. I’d probably laugh, but it would not freak me out. As long as I know before we have sex for the first time, then I’m willing to talk about any fetish.
    I can look at it as a way to weed out the really freaky ones before deep feelings get involved.

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  • If he waits until they get emotionally involved, then both of them could wind up deeply hurt when his need becomes the deal breaker in their relationship.

    Yup yup. A friend of mine has herpes, and she’s always agonizing over whether to tell men upfront (first three dates) and probably have them never call her again, or whether she should wait until she’s emotionally invested before telling them, which makes it hurt all the more when they say “Okay thanks bye”.

    Not that a kink like spanking is the same as a lifelong STD, but it is something that affects your sex life, and it’s gotta be uncomfortable talking about something like that on a second date.

    I’m guessing this guy was probably rejected more than once because of it, and if that happened even once after he was already deeply in love, I’d think this is his method of self-protection, not an indication that he thinks they’re going to get all spankie spankie immediately following dessert.

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  • willaful
    May 8
    6:12 pm

    Toby or not Toby, that is the question. I’m just dying to know who Toby is!

    I would want to know more. Is his thing pain or submission? How hard does he need it? How oftem?

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  • Oh Hell NO! *runs far far away*

    Just because I’m 6′ tall doesn’t mean I’m a dominatrix, fercryinoutloud! Why do all these subby men keep finding me? At this rate, I’m swearing off men entirely.

    Sorry, hot button. When I was young, the tops all wanted to play with little miss Five-foot-nothing and all the sub-boys wanted me.

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  • Emmy
    May 8
    9:37 pm

    *shurgs* if Roger likes to be rogered..well, why not?

    But will say that I like a good alpha male as long as he doesn’t go batshit crazy with it, so the relationship would never last. Might keep him on as a play toy between guys tho.

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  • Nope. Not my thing. Giving or receiving. Even if it wasn’t essential for him, it’d still be awkward for me, which would mean he wouldn’t get much enjoyment out of it in the end. :-/ (heh. pun not intended, but enjoyed all the same.)

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  • Raine
    May 9
    3:20 am

    Don’t think I’d have a problem with the act itself (if I could stop laughing long enough to take a few swings). But I also zeroed in on that word “essential”. As in, what? You can’t enjoy sex without the spanking? If so, that’d mean hit the ground running, yeah.

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  • FD
    May 9
    9:20 pm

    Is this a kink or a fetish? The timing of the query, (it’s clearly an important point to him if he’s bringing it up this early in the game) and the word choice of ‘essential’ suggests fetish. If it’s a fetish, then hell no, I’d politely suggest he looks for another fetishist.
    If we’re talking kink then… maybe, but he lost huge points for bringing it up at the point he did.

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  • CK
    May 11
    12:16 am

    UH, as long as he didn’t think it was a two way street.

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  • It’s not that I think he’s too weird, it’s that his kink and mine don’t mesh. I’m sorta subby and I don’t think I have a sadistic side.

    So, while I’d do it once or twice, he couldn’t count on me to be a Mistress and we wouldn’t keep each other happy. Plus, I do think it’s odd to be bringing up something like that on a second date. But what do I know?

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