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jilted

This week’s dilemma is as follows:

You’re engaged to be married to the love of your life. You’ve been together for nearly five years, and at last the big day arrives. You’ve invited all your friends and family, and you can’t wait till they witness your marriage to the man you love.

You get to the church, and your fiance hasn’t arrived yet. You ask the best man where he is, and he has no idea.

You wait, and wait, but he doesn’t appear. It’s clear that you’ve been jilted on your wedding day. You’re absolutely devastated. The whole wedding has to be cancelled.

A few weeks later, your ex-fiance returns to the house you share. He tells you that he’s sorry that he let you down, and begs for your forgiveness. Apparently he got cold feet, and he felt overwhelmed by everything so he ran away. He also asks you to marry him again.

What do you do? Do you forgive him for not showing up on what was supposed to be the best day of your life, or do you tell him that it’s over?

What would you do?

24 Comments »


  • Pearl
    July 24
    10:37 am

    I’d be done! Totally! Who is to say he doesn’t get cold feet again. I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. Cold feet, jitters, sure but still these are no reasons to leave me standing at the altar. Be a man and talk about it before all the arrangements have been made and people are sitting in the church.

    Coincidentally I have a colleague who is going through something similar. Marriage luckily wasn’t planned yet but they had been together for a long time, planning a big trip abroad and he broke it off at the last minute, cancelling trip, leaving her with the troubles of a newly bought home. She is hoping he’ll come back to her. But how can she trust him and his feelings???

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  • I wouldn’t take him back. Definitely not. If he got cold feet bad enough to abandon me at the altar and humiliate me in front of our families and friends, he’s clearly not committed to the relationship. Also, he subsequently disappeared for a few weeks! What was he up to during that time, I wonder, and why does he think he’s now ready to marry me when he wasn’t before?

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  • sallahdog
    July 24
    11:46 am

    the cold feet doesn’t bother me as much as letting the bride get to the church and wait around, wondering and worrying… If I had no clue that he had cold feet, I would be more likely worrying he had been in a car wreck or some accident… When I found out he hadn’t, he would have wished he had been…

    The fact that he told no one, not even his best man, and let everyone gather, speaks to me of a selfish, self centered person who doesn’t have the maturity to deal with any of lifes stresses..

    How would a person like this handle having a kid, a health crisis, a job crisis? No… I wouldn’t take him back.. If a woman did this, I don’t think a man should take her back either…

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  • Sparkindarkness
    July 24
    12:38 pm

    Show him the way to the door and apply a boot until he goes through it

    Even in a best case scenario, the man is utterly incapable of dealing with pressure or stress in anything like a mature or reasonable fashion.

    Worst case scenario – his bride, family and friends don’t mean a whole lot to him

    Perhaps watch him and see if he can seek help for stress management – but any kind of picking up from where they were would be insane

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  • MB (Leah)
    July 24
    12:40 pm

    He’s gone. I’d never trust him again.

    The fact that he took off without any explanation or contact and then just comes back wanting to start over is a huge red flag that something’s off with this guy. If he would have canceled at the last moment but stood by me to deal with it, then maybe I’d stick around to work it through. But this way of dealing with it, no. Good bye.

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  • this one, I honestly have no idea. Part of me wants to say, I’d tell him to get lost. The other part of me is thinking if I truly love him, and he truly loves me, do I want to lose that? So I honestly don’t know.

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  • What salladog said. It’s time to call it a day with this guy. He’s simply not trustworthy. Unless he was kidnapped by pirates and forced to be someone’s girlfriend, and they took his cell and his pda and every other damn thing and he had no way to contact me and tell me he wasn’t making the wedding, he’s outta there.

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  • another ditto to salladog

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  • Huh?

    I mean I changed the locks, threw all his stuff out on the curb, got his name off any mutual bills, and told everyone in no uncertain terms he is dead meat. Then I told all his coworkers, family and best friends what he pulled.

    He still came around to talk after all that? What a loser!

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  • Mireya
    July 24
    1:51 pm

    Knowing myself and how proud I am, I am not sure I would take him back. It would be the hurt, and on top of that, the humiliation of what would feel like a very PUBLIC rejection of me. I would feel too deeply hurt to even consider taking him back. He would have to give me a LOT of time and give me room to BREATHE. Marry him? No. I wouldn’t trust him enough not to do it a second time. No way in hell I would place myself at his mercy that way, a second time. So chances to get married, are shot FOREVER with this guy. Taking him back if I decide is worth continuing the relationship after I’ve had time to recover from the blow? Maybe.

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  • I would not talk to him leave alone marry him, even if he is the last man on earth. How can he do this I mean, does he have a cold heart with cold feet.
    Btw, I really like your blog so I submitted it to Viralogy.com. That will help more people discover it! If you want you can claim your blog at http://www.viralogy.com/blogs/my/3841 which will also help your ranking. Hope you get more traffic through that!
    Anyway, I hope you have a great week and that you will be successful in every activity you engage in!

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  • Anon76
    July 24
    5:32 pm

    After 5 years he gets cold feet and disappears for weeks? Leaving me at the altar with not only myself but his friends in the dark?

    Um, no. Sorry dude, you just blew it.

    I mean seriously…what if we decide to have kids and just before birth he feels too pressured and bails? Like I could bail at that moment, harumph. Not to mention all the trials and tribulations that marraige brings and the fact that the point is to stick to each other like glue. A team who weathers all storms.

    I might still love him desperately, but how much does he really love me to pull such a stunt?

    Talk to the hand.

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  • Anon76
    July 24
    5:48 pm

    Okay, I sounded all tough in that last post, but that was my rational side coming out.

    Truth be told, I’m like Shiloh. Some absolutely wonderful marraiges have been forged from the ashes of idiotic actions. Lord knows hubby and I went through years of that kind of stupidity. All of it in our younger days.

    And now we have been together for 28 years (23 of that in marraige). If anything, our mess ups made a tighter bond between us. We sit back now and laugh at what fools we were.

    Hmmm, must be true lurve. LOL

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  • Las
    July 24
    6:44 pm

    I say this as the most commitmentphobic person I know:

    I think the whole concept of “cold feet” is bs. Nerves and jitters? Sure, perfectly normal. But if you’ve been together for several years already and he loves and trust you and you WANT to get married then what the hell is the problem? Don’t tell me that the relationship was fine, you’ve discussed all the essential thing and you’ve spent months planning this wedding, and then he decides on the actual wedding day that he’s developed a case of cold feet and just can’t go through with it. That doesn’t happen. He clearly had serious problems with this relationship and tried to convince himself that everything was ok until he realized he had to (and I really hate this expression) “shit or get off the pot.” No way would I forgive someone that immature, thoughtless, and cruel.

    That crap is the exact reason I thought the Sex and the City movie was total garbage.

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  • Cold feet after 5 years of being together? That would be a big NO from me.

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  • Lorraine
    July 25
    12:30 am

    In my youthful days I would have taken him back. I used to love a good grovel and could never resist a begging lover. In my heart I couldn’t have ever forgiven him though, leading to the eventual end of the relationship.

    Now I’m much older and couldn’t care less about a good grovel…in fact, these days if a lover ever did anything that pushed him to grovel I’d wash my hands of him. Life’s too short and I’m too old to waste my time with a man who can’t decide whether or not I’m worth his effort.

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  • Louise van Hine
    July 25
    4:29 am

    I’d tell him “Well I’ll think about it. This time why don’t you rent the tuxes, pay for the hall, order the flowers, do the catering, and if I happen to show, then you’ll know I said yes.”

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  • Kat
    July 25
    11:45 am

    Carrie took Big back. 😉

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  • Misty G
    July 25
    4:01 pm

    Actually, I’m fairly certain by the time he came back I’d be married…to his best friend.lol. Then I’d tell him he gave me the best wedding gift ever and introduce him to a friend of mine…who convieniently has herpies.

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  • Randi
    July 26
    4:20 pm

    Louise van Hine: your answer rocked. that’s a hilarious response. LOL.

    Yeah, clearly there are other “issues” here, which means the guy isn’t completely with the program. And if you’re not with the program, then get out. I would totally have the reception anyway and go on the honeymoon; but I’m pretty sure all his shit would be packed and in storage by the time he turned up. Man up!!!!

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  • It depends on how he acted and how tight we were before the wedding.

    It also depends on if I was more devastated that the wedding was ruined or that my fiance had disappeared and we wouldn’t have the marriage I imagined.

    It takes an assload of courage to show up at the door of the woman you’ve jilted and ask for a second chance. It also takes a willingness to be punished for a long time, because no right thinking man will assume that a woman is just going to forgive and forget a fuck-up of that magnitude.

    But it still all comes down to how solid our relationship was before the jilting.

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  • Masha
    July 27
    11:48 pm

    It takes an assload of courage to show up at the door of the woman you’ve jilted and ask for a second chance.

    Or an assload of self-entitlement.

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  • willaful
    July 28
    7:42 pm

    I guess I’m a wimp, because I might give him a second chance. But he would have to re-earn my trust before I’d even consider marrying him.

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  • West
    July 29
    4:40 am

    Absolutely out the damn door.

    Calling off a wedding is one thing. I know, because I’ve done it. I woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and realized I was only 19 years old and what the hell was I thinking? And yeah, it was just a few weeks before the wedding, but at least I had the balls to go over and tell him in person. Not showing up on the big day? That would have made me a first class bitch. And I took enough shit just for calling it off with three weeks to go.

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