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This week’s dilemma comes directly from the Creole in DC blog:

You go through a VERY difficult breakup with the father of your two children.

During the breakup he once told you that he would kill you AND your babies.

You have stayed away from him since then and kept your children away from him.

It’s 6 months later and you still haven’t filed for child support because you just don’t want to anger him and you have been struggling financially.

He has apologized and has said that both of you said things you’d never do during the breakup and that you know he’d NEVER do something to his children.

What do you do?

What would you do? Do you let him see the children, or do you fight his access claims in the courts?

19 Comments »


  • Marianne McA
    October 2
    9:18 am

    Depends what he’s like. My younger sister, for example, does talk wildly when she’s upset, but it is just talk.

    The other factor would be the age of the children – I would let my children go to my sister’s house to see their cousins because they’re old enough – they know what she can be like, and if the atmosphere becomes unpleasant, they could get themselves home. (They’ve pretty much stopped going, which is sad, but understandable.)

    If I thought there was actually a possibility of violence, I’d fight the case. And if I lost, I still wouldn’t let them go.
    If I thought that there might be emotional abuse – that he’d spend his visitation time ranting or crying at the children – I’d try for supervised access, but I’ve no idea how likely I’d be to get it.

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  • Mireya
    October 2
    10:50 am

    This picture is not even mentioning if he’s demanded visitation rights or anything. With the partial info we have, all I can say is that I wouldn’t want him near me or the children… at all.

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  • Going by that info? I’d say no. Wouldn’t risk it, especially after just six months. My gut instinct is that he has some serious anger issues and serious anger issues are resolved after six months.

    If he wants to see his kids, he’d get his act together, get some help for the anger issues…after he’s proven that he is trying to change, that he is working on his issues, then we could talk. But only after.

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  • I agree that there’s just not enough info.

    If I truly believed him capable of uncontrollable anger or violence, I’d be moving to another state in the middle of the night and fuck the bastard in trying to find us.

    Kids first forever. No chances with their safety. If I really believed him capable of hurting my kid/s, we’d be out of there.

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  • Well, since it’s presumably me in that situation there’d already be a restraining order and whatever else I needed to keep myself and the kids safe, so I’m going with no, you psycho.

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  • Ghetto Diva
    October 2
    3:08 pm

    You go through a VERY difficult breakup with the father of your two children.

    During the breakup he once told you that he would kill you AND your babies.

    You have stayed away from him since then and kept your children away from him.

    It’s 6 months later and you still haven’t filed for child support because you just don’t want to anger him and you have been struggling financially.

    He has apologized and has said that both of you said things you’d never do during the breakup and that you know he’d NEVER do something to his children.

    What do you do?

    Six months later, I would still stay away. As a matter of fact, that man would never see the face of my kids again. I don’t care how angry you are, I don’t care if he said he said those words in anger. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON that those words should have be excused, and taken lightly.

    And as to the financially unstable part? My ass would be working at McDonalds, waitressing, KFC jobs before I would ever let someone like that be near my kids.

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  • Diane V
    October 2
    3:15 pm

    Never risk your children – so a big HELL NO!! from me. With all the children that get killed by their parents each year why would anyone take the chance that he told you what he really plans on doing to get back at you.

    Doesn’t Maya Angelou have a quote something to the effect that “when someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

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  • Chantal
    October 2
    4:33 pm

    Anyone who says they would kill their kids, even in a fit of anger, need to stay the hell away. In all my years of parenting I have never even thought of killing my children–even when they were up 24/7 crying because of colic.
    That man has major anger issues, and if he tried to sue for visitation or custody I would leave the Country. I’d fall off the face of the earth and risk never seeing my loved ones again. No way in hell would I trust my children with someone who has threatened to kill them. I’d have to run, because I doubt a judge would deny a fathers rights over one angry statement. Judges are stupid though.

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  • Terrible situation. As everyone has said, if a man actually said that he’d kill his kids…I’d be inclined to believe him. Which means no way can he see the kids. Which causes no end of problems since a judge would likely grant him visitation anyway. Very scary. I think I would take my kids somewhere he couldn’t find us and I’d do that yesterday.

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  • Growing up in a household where people had anger management issues, my gut reaction is OH NO WAY IN HELL. I’d make sure I had full custody AND I’d still see if I could nail his ass to the wall for child support. I’d also probably talk to my lawyer and see about getting a restraining order. And I’d also see what else I could do to make sure he couldn’t breathe within ten miles of me, my children, or anyone else’s children.

    As someone who had it written in her divorce degree that basically anything living from the pets to the dust bunnies in the house went with my custody, my inner “mama bear” comes out when there are threats.

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  • I’d invite him over to discuss the situation like two reasonable adults. Then I’d meet him at the door with the 30-ought-6. And bury him in the backyard.

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  • When I hear stuff like this, real or just hypothetically, I can’t help but think about David Rothenberg, who was set on fire and horribly disfigured by his own father.
    The man was pissed off because David was in the mother’s custody. So, no, I just couldn’t risk it for my child, no way. You never know what violent prone people might attempt just to get back at someone.
    Here’s a discussion about David’s story:
    http://www.crimeshots.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9616

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  • Everyone is assuming they’d have a choice. It’d be his word against theirs and no judge would refuse visitation based on something like that. I’m not saying it’s right, because that’s a shitty thing for the guy to have said and he’s obviously a douche who has no business being a parent. But fact is, unless you’re willing to give up your entire life, your identity and take your kids underground for the rest of your life…the guy would get visitation whether you wanted him to or not.

    And here’s where I thank the gods I will never have to worry about this kind of thing, because I’ll never be a parent.

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  • This is a toughie. I really wouldn’t want him near my kids after that. It’d scare me to death. To even consider it, he’d have to go through certified anger management counseling and have court supervised visitation only. There’s too many cases where parents do kill their kids.

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  • Hrmmm, nothing is said about what she might have said during the divorce. Too little information imo. She could be just as bad as him in varying other ways. Why is it always assumed the mother is the ‘good one’ and the male the bad one?

    And yes, there needs to be more than just a heat of the moment argument behind it for him to have no visitation. Believe me, a friend of mine can tell you that. Nothing like an ex who’s manic depressive and off meds ‘because he’s not sick’ and who can win over the judges in a heart beat because he appears so sane to make a woman feel good about sleeping at night after being threatened multiple times.

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  • do what i did. file for a protection order. immediately. get a big dog. and then an attorney. do not pass go. do not collect $200. and do NOT let this jerk get away with this kind of nonsense.

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  • If I was the woman in this scenario I’d let him have visitation rights alright, straight from the wheelchair I’d put him in.

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  • Anne C
    October 5
    7:03 pm

    I would get full custody and child support. Then you can “regulate” visitation on your terms after he has had extensive therapy and even then You decide if he gets visitation at all. I think they are his kids and he should have 1/2 the responsibility of supporting the children. Just because he is crazy does not mean he gets to shirk his responsibilities.

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  • Donna
    October 7
    7:51 pm

    Before making any decisions, I would seek out the nearest battered women’s support group or shelter and get legal and financial advice from them. If it’s possible to obtain child support AND full custody, they’ll know what steps to take to go about it. If there’s justification for denying visitation rights, and/or legal ways to keep him and his threats completely away from the kids, they’ll know that too.

    And if I had to go underground to keep him from acting on his threats, they might have some (off the record) viable advice on that score, as well.

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