I’m white and married to an Asian man for 19 years now. We started dating when I was in college and he in grad school back in the late 80s. I live in New Jersey within the suburbs of NYC, so this area is pretty racially and ethnically diverse and I guess I can generalize and say people in this type of melting pot are more open minded to mixed race couples and families. Having said that, there are a lot of places in the US [and even in communities within NJ outside the metro area] where we would simply never consider living. Whether we were together or not.. we could not tolerate living among so many intolerant, racist people. Perhaps I’m getting off topic.

I grew up in the 70s and 80s and lived in a predominantly white suburb. I dated a black guy in high school and tried to keep it secret from my family for fear of repercussions. I eventually told my mom and she pretty much said, “Don’t let your father find out.” I guess I was a lot like the 13 year old you and didn’t really know how to sort my sense of what I thought was right and wrong and what I knew my parents would approve or object to. It was confusing. One time some teenagers shouted out from window on the street, “N*gger lover” when I was walking home from school alone. It was very upsetting to me. I didn’t break up with the guy because of it or anything, but it was so awful. I remember it vividly to this day and that took place in 1983!

I started dating my now husband–who is Asian, in college in 1989 and by then I had complete confidence to date whomever I wanted and display public affection like holding hands and not care what strangers thought. Sadly my own immediate family were the ones with the problem. At first they were okay with it.. but within a year I was disowned and haven’t been in contact with them in over 20 years. It’s more complicated than that, but that’s it in a nutshell.

One more thought I’d like to add. In my 20s and 30s as I made friends in workplaces or in the community, it’s natural for the subject of family to eventually come up and when I explained that I am no longer in touch with my family, I inevitably explain that I’ve been disowned because of my interracial relationship with my husband. I can’t tell you how many times my story is followed by, “That’s terrible. It’s not like he’s [my husband] black.” I’ve followed with, “Does it matter? It’s the same thing!” They end up fumbling through some half assed response and the conversation moves on. I’m not sure why that is. I can’t get my head around how some people think.

The happy thing is that now.. at age 43 and married to my husband for 19 years, I rarely ever think of us as an interracial couple. We’re just us.

Every once in a while I’m reminded of it, though. The most recent example is when we traveled this summer and were going through customs. The officers try to put us on separate lines because they don’t realize we’re together. Then the look of surprise and the look from me to him to me to him to our kids after we say we’re together kind of gives it away. I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am. After more than two decades of being in an interracial relationship you kind of know these things.

Sorry my reply was so long! I guess your posts and all of the comments gave me a lot to think about, reminisce and want to share.

The times we’ve holidayed in America, particularly Florida, I’ve felt conspicuous. Because I could pass for white and my husband is, obviously, a lot darker than me, I felt exposed. I didn’t look out for any stares, but I felt very, very conscious of America’s race history.

Race isn’t a problem with my family (and frankly it shouldn’t be). The entire family are mongrels. From my maternal grandparents BM/WM in 30s/40s England then moving the family to Chicago in the 60s, to my dad’s side – White/Indian/Black in Jamaica.

I love the way our family is – from me, the pastiest of the lot, to my brother with his light grey eyes, to the newest member, little Ben, with his pale skin and bright blue eyes.

Roll on the future when we won’t double take when we see couples/families of any combination. And I think the UK is much further along to this time than many other countries (except maybe the West Indies).

Interestingly, I don’t see too many Asian/Black or Asian/White couples even though the Asian population is high in my area.

I’ve also seen quite a few mixed race gay/lesbian couples. Lots of black/white lesbian couples.

I myself am a white woman married to an Asian.

I feel that mixed race couples are not a big deal where I live and I love that fact. In a way, any area in which you see a liberal smattering of mix raced couples usually means an open minded community, which I would rather live in.

However, I know in much of America it’s still a big issue and racism is still simmers underneath when it comes to judgements of people relating with those outside their race.

I hadn’t dated black girls before my wife. We’ve been together 10 years now…time flies! We have a little girl, who is the cutest. But then, I’m biased. I was thinking the other day just how many mixed race kids we see day to day round here, fairly soon it’s going to become pointless classifying each other at this rate. Though obviously, it’s important to have an identity… The mix is amazing here though, pale skinned with afro, darker skin with lighter eyes and straight hair..

I’m sure not all the black girls are eyeing me up, I’m a bit of a scruff ball day to day! More likely asking what she saw in me

It’s an interesting topic. Can’t help but feel there’s too much generalisation goes on when it comes to things like this. As I say above I’m not sure I’m that qualified to give much opinion on this, I like to keep things simple.

Funny thing though, I find that black men who intentionally and exclusively date outside of their race are men I would never consider for a long-term relationship anyway. There is often some kernel of self-loathing that comes out on closer contact that renders them unattractive to me.

As a woman of approximately your same skin color, I have noticed that fair-skinned and biracial men are particularly attracted to me. In fact, I married a biracial man who self-identifies as black. I never get nasty looks when I’m out with him, but I’m pretty sure that when we’re together, people know he’s black. When he’s not with me, he looks quite racially ambiguous, and people think he is Latino, Middle Eastern, black, etc. A lot of times, they wind up asking him his ethnicity.

@Karen, that’s what I figured. I only ever dated one biracial guy, and I didn’t know he was mixed until he told me. There simply weren’t that many around back when I was single.

I think London is a great city in terms of people not giving a crap who you date. I think it’s one city that I can say is truly multicultural in every way.

How long have you and your wife been together, and had you dated a black woman prior to her?