HomeReviewsInterviewsStoreABlogsOn Writing
Who Knew There Was an Award for "Most Racist Piece of Shit"?

I chanced upon the blurb for the next book in the “Save the Pearls” series today:

“In the sequel to the award-winning, dystopian novel, Revealing Eden, Eden Newman must adapt into a hybrid human beast if she hopes to become Ronson Bramford’s mate. She has no choice but to undergo her father’s adaptation experiment at his makeshift laboratory in the last patch of rainforest. But when the past rears its ugly head, Eden and Bramford must abandon camp along with their family and friends. Luckily, an Aztec tribe that has survived with the aid of a healing plant provides them with sanctuary—or is it? Too late, Eden realizes she is at the center of an epic spiritual battle between love and war. To survive, she must face her deepest fears or lose everything, including the beastly man she loves.”

(No links included, for obvious reasons.)

It looks to me as if Foyt thought long and hard about the accusation of racism against her first book and went all out to make the sequel even more racist, if humanly possible.  Best thing about the comments on this upcoming book at GoodReads: everyone who begins, “Award winning? AWARD WINNING?!”

Have you seen this picture floating around the internet? It’s my absolute fav:

Foyt’s books make me feel like someone re-did that image, so the kid is now looking out onto the same horrible world he has to live in.

Ya Gotta Laugh...

I can’t lie, this totally made my day…


(Click to enlarge)

Somebody on Twitter came across this sign at a W. H. Smith’s book shop here in the UK, and took a photo – too funny *g*

KarenS Review: Fifty Shades of Grey by EL James...

There are lots of swear words in this review, and I believe the ‘C’ word pops up too. You have been fucking warned.

These days I tend to go out of my way to avoid books that I know I’m going to hate before I read them.

Of course I totally blame Katiebabs for urging me to read Fifty. But I thought I’d give it a game go anyway. It’s not like I had much to lose.

I was wrong of course. I lost precious time in my life that I can never get back. Sigh.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am not fond of BDSM. Actually I hate it. There have been some exceptions to that rule, Maya Banks’ Sweet Persuasion being one. (Good book!)

I tried to read Fifty with an open mind, I did, I did, but unfortunately, E.L James did not help matters.

This review will be full of spoilers I’m afraid, so if you plan on reading this book any time soon, this review is not for you, so scat!

Bella Swan Anastasia Steele is a student who agrees to do her best friend Katie Kavanagh a favour, and interview billionaire Edward Cullen Christian Grey for some reason or other (seriously, am I supposed to remember such details?)

Bella Anastasia (Ana for short) is a bit of a clumsy oaf, she’s nervous and unsure of herself, and basically trips up in front of the debonair Edward Christian. She then proceeds to blush, flush and internally scream holy shit/crap for the rest of the interview.

Edward Christian is the first guy that’s ever affected Bella Ana this way, oh my she’s totally besides herself, and can barely string a sentence together, even though we’re led to believe that she’s an apparently articulate, intelligent girl.

Cutting to the chase (I really want to finish reliving this book now), Edward Christian thinks that Bella Ana is the cat’s meow (or the vicar’s knickers, take your pick) and so proceeds to stalk her by turning up in the most random of places. Always with a legitimate excuse of course.

Bella Ana and Edward Christian eventually give in to their lust and they share a passionate kiss in an elevator. (Yeah, that old elevator kiss scene never gets old does it?) Edward Christian tells Bella Ana that he’s no good for her, and they try to stay away from each other, but OMFG, THE LUST IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR, so they find each other again. Via Edward Christian randomly stalking Bella Ana of course.

Because Edward Christian trusts Bella Ana and shit, he totally shows her his Play Room, or as Bella Ana so aptly named it, the Red Room of Pain. Due to the torture devices and whatnot that littered the room. The way that Bella Ana described it, it seemed to be a posh version of a cell in Guantanamo Bay. Minus the middle eastern prisoners of war of course. (more…)

This is all Katiebab’s fault. This is one book I could have happily ignored for the rest of my life. Sigh.

I’m trying to read Fifty Shades of Grey with an open mind, but damn, it’s hard, because A, I hate BDSM, B, I hate assholic controlling alpha males, and C, I hate stupid heroines.

Oh and just to piss me off even more, I see that the Kindle version of Fifty is more expensive than the paperback version. Grrrrr…

Anybody else going to be reading this with me? Go on, do it, do, it, do it!

Wish me luck…

(By the way, is it wrong that this is one book I don’t mind illegally passing to others? Just sayin’…)

I assume that the majority of you will have read the review of Phoenix Sullivan’s book over at Dear Author by now?

If you haven’t already, this is not a bad thing believe me.

The following post is full of bad words. Lots of bad words. You have been warned.

Basically, apparently, the book is set in pre-Arthurian times. The heroine gets kidnapped by the ‘hero’ and whilst in his care, gets raped repeatedly by different men. When I say repeatedly, I mean repeatedly. In fact, the way the reviewer tells it, the raping of the heroine becomes something of a sport.

If this wasn’t bad enough, there’s also a kidnapped eleven year old who is also regularly raped, something that apparently turns our heroine on. Yep, you read that right.

Here’s the excerpt that I lifted from DA, highlighting the heroine’s horniness over hearing an eleven year old child being raped. (more…)

It just seemed to go on, and on, and on, and on, and on. The first 100 e-book pages were ok, (I think) but after that, welcome to fucking Snoozefest.

Sheesh.

Here’s the blurb, and no, this isn’t a review.

As her 25th birthday approaches, mild-mannered Philomena Swann lives in terror of her annual birthday wish. Sure, she has a disinterested fiancé and a misogynistic boss, but from experience she knows wishing both away could result in disaster. Why? Because she and her sisters are one-eighth fairy. Not enough to give them magical powers, but enough to qualify for a fairy godmother—from hell.

All Phil wants is, just once, to have the courage to speak her mind. She blurts out her wish…and suddenly finds she can’t stop. To her friends. Her boss. Her Nana. And her best friend, hot and hunky co-worker, Josh. Before she can do any more damage, she begs for the spell to be reversed. And it is—with a vengeance. Now everyone else is compelled to tell her the truth. Including Josh.

But the fairy godmother’s not done. One more wish could change Phil’s world forever—if it doesn’t ruin her life first.

What? I was trying to expand my reading horizons, dammit. Plus it was a friends-to-lovers story, and I usually love those.

The heroine was insipid to the point of insanity. She totally brought out my murderous tendencies. That bitch needed to be slapped so badly, that my palms itched throughout the book. Oh yeah, also, the hero was wetter than a dish rag, and the plot was so stupid, I wanted to gouge my own eyes out.

Apparently, this is a series. Jeez.

Let’s hope the author stays away from slapstick comedy for the rest of the series, because books that try so effing hard to be amusing, rarely are.

Just sayin.

You can buy from Samhain Publishing, here. If you must.

Warning: The following post is not for the faint of heart. *g*

Seriously?

I’m pretty sure there must be females out there who ‘gush’ when they climax, but really, is this a common thing, because I gotta say, nearly every erotic romance book that I read seem to feature gushing heroines.

These days, it’s not enough that they’re wet, no, no, they have to erupt like fucking mount vesuvius.

What’s that about?

Whenever I come across a ‘gushing’ heroine, I can’t help but imagine a woman with a tap sticking out of her fanny. (a fanny in England is the vagina, not the arse)

You can imagine how that would kinda kill the moment.

Totally makes me want to giggle out loud, and I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the original intention of the author.

Just sayin’.

Dear Jeanne Sumerix, (TM Dear Author)

(Why don’t you have a decent website?)

I honestly don’t know why I continue with Genesis Press books, I really don’t. Admittedly, Rendezvous With Fate has been in my TBR pile forever, but still…

One common thing I’ve noticed about the majority of GP books that I’ve read is the extremely poor editing. The typos are also higher than average, which annoys the hell outta me.
Other equally annoying commonalities? Bad dialogue, bad technical writing, purple prose galore, stupid eupemisms for the vagina, dumbass heroines, and heroes who are so pansy-like they make Ru Paul look macho.

Anyway, on with your story. Here’s the blurb from Amazon:

Leela and Jack’s impassioned love affair of eighteen years ago draws them to revisit old feelings. They share a son that Jack knows nothing about and Leela won’t tell. They agree to be friends but the embers are still burning and they are thrust back in time where history repeats itself.

The premise was interesting enough, secret baby plot and all, but by the time I got to the 20th page, I knew this was not going to end well.

At this point can I mention how bad your dialogue tags were? Not only that, but the actual dialogue between your characters were so ridiculous that I had to keep checking which character was saying what.

For instance, does this really sound like something a seventeen year old, basketball-lovin’ teenage boy, would say to his mother?

Mom, I’ve been thinking of taking my first two years at the community college with you. We could be roomies or something

Would a boy who loves, basketball, fishing, and hunting, really want to share a room with his mother at college? Seriously?

I’m pretty sure that a seventeen year old boy, wouldn’t do or say the following either:
(Context, the mother, our heroine, is asking her son if he would mind having a step-father)

Alex, still very serious said, “No mom. Grandpa was all the father I needed” Then smiling broadly at her he tweaked her nose (Do 17-year old boys really tweak their mothers’ noses these days?) and said. “If your true love comes along, I’d never stand in your way”

Seriously?

Not only could you not write plausible teenage boy speak, you also had trouble changing your female ‘voice’, when it came to writing from the hero’s point of view. Your hero thought like a woman, and spoke like a woman would. It got to a point where your hero and heroine were almost interchangeable. That’s not a good thing surely?

Also the plot? Come on now, this could have been a perfectly readable book, but unfortunately, you turned it into one big cheesey cliche. I can live with cliches, but coupled with so much cheese? Not so much.

Let’s have a look at some examples shall we?

Heroine got pregnant when she was a teenager and didn’t tell hero?  Check the ‘secret baby plot’ box.

Girl leaves town for a short while, and when she comes back to tell the hero that she wants to be with him, he’s left allegedly with another girl?  Check the ‘Paper-thin conflict that could have been solved with just one conversation’ box.

Girl hasn’t been in a decent relationship for nineteen years because nobody could measure up to the hero?  Check the big old ‘Magical Penis’ box.

Hero hasn’t been in a decent relationship for nineteen years because no other vagina can beat that of his first love?  Another big fat check in the ‘Special Vajayjay’ box.

The hero and heroine get back together, but the hero’s ex girlfriend, (unfortunately named Nora) is a jealous bitch from hell who can’t take no for an answer, so tries to scupper the H&H’s relationship?  Check the ‘Cookie-cutter jealous ex-lover’ box.

The jealous bitch from hell tells the heroine something quite upsetting, and she believes her, even though she knows that the bitch wants her man?  Check, check.

Rendezvous With Fate read like a really bad HQN Presents book, all you needed was the billionaire sheik, and this could have been sold as a Presents story. (No offense to all you Presents lovers out there).

Also, I want you to know that nothing irritates me more, than reading the following during a love scene:

Moving her, guiding her, until he slid his throbbing manhood into her smooth, pulsating treasure box.

Are you fucking kidding me? Throbbing fucking manhood? It’s a COCK.

Also, treasure, freaking box? Come on, surely as a writer you could have done better than that? You didn’t have to use the ‘c’ word, but surely you could have found a better euphemism for the vagina, than ‘treasure box’?

Also, what was with the purple prose?

Gazes met and held.The earth stood still to allow for these two powerful forces to become one. Tenderly he lowered his mouth to her waiting lips. Her lips parted as he slid his tongue between the soft , sweet flesh. He explored the tender silk, and drank of its confection…

If I wanted to read this kind of crap, I’d pick up a historical.

The one thing that I can’t forgive in this book was how fucking dull it was. The other day,  I IMed Jane, and asked her if it was a good thing to be thinking about why 12% of people spammed, actually bought goods from the spam e-mails, whilst I was reading an anal scene in an erotic romance book.
Your book had a similar effect on me, except this time, I caught myself wondering why I never knew that Mars Bars were made by Masterfoods.

What a total waste of money and two hours.

Book? £6.99. Fireplace? £699. Throwing book into fireplace? Fucking priceless.