We haven’t talked about NCP in a while have we? Well let’s see how they’re doing shall we?
Apparently their doors are open to new authors and they are “always taking submissions”. Of course they are. Their authors are leaving them in their droves, and are asking for the rights to their books back, left, right and centre.
I also heard that they asked Blogger.com to tell Ellen Ashe to delete all the NCP-related posts on her blog. The real shame of it, is that she did. If I’d still been using Blogger, and they’d written to me, I’d have moved the whole damn blog before I took a single post down.
Anyway, it seems that they are still looking for people to work for them:
Here’s the ad for the author liaison role: (You remember their former liaison officer don’t you? James Lightsey. He’s the guy who allegedly tried to sell new NCP print books on Amazon, so that TPTB wouldn’t have to pay any royalty to their authors. Stellar guy.)
Position: Author Liaison
Answer emails from authors/handle author problems-keep email and physical addresses current-return contracts-filing contracts-routing artwork questionnaires-update contracted books list(Excel)-send authors marketing/promotion tips-company updates-artwork. Scheduling information-track author orders/booksignings. Online promotions (author/reader chat group)
That didn’t sound much like their old author liaison person now did it? Also, didn’t Madris get rid of the Reader Group a while ago? Shall we attempt a re-write?
OK, here’s mine:
Author Liaison Officer
The ideal candidate must have a firm understanding of how a legitimate e-publisher works. He/she must show a willingness to lie, and cheat upon instruction. He/she must be an expert in the art of prevarication, and have the ability to give vague answers whenever questioned about inconsequential issues, such as royalty payments not being received.
He must also be fully commited to screwing authors over when necessary. Professionalism is not an absolute requirement, but the ideal candidate must be able to refrain from using the C word to describe his/her authors. The F word is much more widely used and acceptable.
The ideal candidate must have some grasp of the English language, but must not get hung up on inconsequential details like the appropriate use of punctuation, and the utilisation of the spell-check function.
Whilst we here at New Concepts Publishing, do not believe in showing favouritism to any specific author, the ideal candidate will have a comprehensive understanding of what the term ‘black-balling’ refers to, and must be willing to initiate this action upon request, or as he/she sees fit.
Now, doesn’t that sound more like it?
Anyway, there are a few more positions available, here’s one for a customer service person:
Position: Customer Service/Receptionist
Customer Service-answer customer emails–handle customer order problems-bookstore liaison.
Receptionist-phone calls-mail pickup-mail routing/sort-take phone orders-rout mail in orders-type invoices for both mail in and phone orders–order routing.
Here are a couple more to choose from:
Position: Editors/Proof readers
Editors/Proof readers-edit-proof read manuscripts. Write blurbs and one liners for books. Requires superior knowledge of grammar/excellent reading skills and ability to read and evaluate all genres-good well rounded knowledge. We publish Romance and Erotica-subgenres Contemporary, Historical, Fantasy, Futuristic, and Paranormal, and readers must be able to spot a wide variety of problems in
areas from scientific to historical details. If you are easily offended by graphic materials, you should not apply. Familiarity with outlook express, typing skills, good working knowledge of MSWord.
Bookkeeping-payroll-accounts receivable-accounts payable-royalty statements-taxes-stock ordering-billing.
So how would you guys re-write any of the above job ads?
The winner will have the privilege of having their ad posted on the blog.
I know, my generosity knows no bounds.