Well today in England, it’s our General Election. Which means it’s time for us lowly citizens to go and vote, in an effort to elect who we wish to lead us for the next four years. These are the main candidates, and my thoughts on each of them.

Charles Kennedy, Liberal Democrats

Do I want a ginger minger to be our next statesman? Charlie boy, you need to dye your hair and lose some weight, don’t you know that if you got into number 10, you would immediately become the likeliest person to suffer from a heart attack?

Can I remember what your manifesto was based on, apart from calling Tony Blair a liar? Erm, shit what do you stand for again?

Was I moved by the fact that he took paternity leave at the beginning of the election because his wife had just given birth? Not really, that just says to me that he hasn’t got the killer instinct, and that he would put his personal situation above that of the country’s, al la David Blunkett.

Am I impressed that Charles Kennedy didn’t want us to go to war with Iraq? Not really, I believe if he’d been in charge, he would have done the same thing.

Do I trust Charles Kennedy to do the right thing? Yes I do (score one for you Charlie Boy)

What’s my verdict? Well I trust him, and he means well, but I just don’t think his policies hold up under close scrutiny, and what’s this about cutting taxes? We all know that you can’t afford to do that, no matter how much we crave it, so nah, not this time Charlie Boy.

Michael Howard Conversatives

Do I really want to vote for somebody whose smile doesn’t ever reach his eyes? He smiles with his teeth (a la Victoria Beckham… but I like her) and comes across as being fake? Nope, he looks too predatory..

Do I want to vote for somebody who’s now 60 years old, does he understand what I need? I think not, he’s from Margaret Thatcher’s era, but with none of her presence or charm.

Do I really want to vote for somebody who made a hash of things the last time his party were in power? Yes Mr Howard, I’m old enough to remember what your legacy as Home Secretary was.

Do I want to vote for somebody whose campain slogan was “It’s not racist to discuss immigration” Hello, what about education, health, and crime bozo? That’s it, alienate the few people of colour who were thinking of voting for you. To be fair on him, he did change his campaign emphasis once the Bleeding Hearts criticised him for his approach.

So what’s my verdict? Fuck that, no way, Jose.

Tony Blair, Labour Party (Present Encumbent)

Do I think he lied over the Iraq war? Nope, I still believe he had dud information.

Do I think he’s in President Bush’s pocket, nope, he’s strong enough to make up his own mind about things, plus no matter what the other leaders might say, they would have taken the same action.

How’s our economy at present? Well, the Pound is strong (we get nearly two dollars for our pound) interest rates are low, unemployment is at an all time low, and has been for years. I know for a fact that unemployment in America has been rising steadily for a while now, so our economy is A-ok thank you very much.

How’s our health system? We English don’t know how good we’ve got it, if we get sick, we don’t have to worry about having paid up insurance before we can be treated. Waiting lists have been cut substantially since Tony Blair came into power.

Do I trust him? Implicitly, I believe he will always do what he thinks is right. I hate wish washy people, so he’ll do for me!