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So I was thinking… just why do romance authors insist on creating irritating and horrid characters?

For me, this is one of those questions that is never answered to my satisfaction. We all know what our ideals are in terms of heroines and heroes right?

Personally, I love a heroine who has the capacity to be kick-ass, but isn’t like ‘if you look at me the wrong way, I’ll open a can of whup-ass on y’all head dawg’.

I want her to embrace life, and not be scared to take a chance on love when her Mr Perfect-with-the-twelve-inch-dick comes riding in on his big stallion.

I don’t want her to whinge, bitch and moan about stuff that just doesn’t matter. If I wanted a heroine who did this, shit, I could just stand in the mirror all day long, and get my jollies that way.

If the romance is a contemporary story, I want my heroine to have shagged enough men so that she is able to tell whether the hero is really good at making love or not. I don’t want her to be a virgin (even though she’s stunningly beautiful, and you know that most men would have tried and succeeded to get into her pants by now) waiting for Mr Studly to teach her about the art of the Horizontal Tango.

I want my heroine to have the common sense to know that if there’s a murderer on the loose, it really isn’t a good idea to go jogging by the woods where the murders are taking place. WTF? Also, if that same woman hears a noise in her basement, I really don’t want her to go and investigate. Call the f*cking police for God’s sake!!

If my heroine sees her hero hugging a beautiful voluptuous woman in a crowded restaurant, I want her to go up to him, and ask who the hell she is (in a non-psychotic manner obviously), and not move out of the county with his unborn child that he knows nothing about. Grrrrrrr.

That’s not a lot to ask for is it? Is it…?

The Hero

As for the perfect hero, I want him to not only be well endowed, manly, and buff (this doesn’t mean having man-boobs on the covers by the way) I want him to be gentle with our heroine (out of bed at least), and a monster raving lunatic, with those who threaten her.

I want him to be the kind of man, who respects the fact that she can look after herself, but still wants to protect her without making her feel like a nincompoop (love that word..), he’s willing to get his hands dirty for the love of his woman, and perhaps indulge in a fisty cuff or two with an amorous usurper. (says she who loves love-triangles).

I want him to NOT ‘snarl’ at her every fourth paragraph, or indeed ‘sneer’ knowingly’ when she tells him that she really isn’t sleeping with the laird, who lives the next mountain over. Grrrrrr

I want him to say NO, NO, and NO, if the obligatory Catty Bitch, who the heroine is suspicious of, and hates mightily, asks him up to her apartment to look at her etchings. Fool, don’t you know that she’s a rabid whore trying to get you into the sack? No? Well dammit, you should bloody know! Your heroine’s dropped enough hints! Yech.

I don’t think that the above is a lot to ask for, yet a lot of romance writers insist on creating thoroughly moronic heroines, who have the intelligence of a gnat, and bastard dickless heroes, upon whom, I would quite happily use my chain-saw. Whyyyyyyyyyyyy?

With this in mind, what traits would your perfect H/H have, and why do you think romance writers still create such universally disliked lead characters? Indeed, do you secretly love reading about these type of heroes and heroines?

Let’s Toast The Happy Couple…

Friday, June 17, 2005
Posted in: Uncategorized

Awwww, Don’t They Look Happy…? Posted by Hello

Now let’s take bets on A: Whether they make it to the alter, and B: How long it takes for them to file for divorce, due to irreconcilable differences…