From Florida!!!
We arrived back this morning, to dreary weather in England. The Tall Guy and I are currently suffering from Post-Holiday Depression. Sigh. We are reviewing plans to move to Florida… permanently.
I really hate post-holiday ramblings, but hopefully, this encapsulates our experiences for you. I must warn you though, it’s a long old snooze fest, so you need to make sure you have plenty of caffeine.
Karen and Paul’s Bogus Journey To Florida
Karen and Paul landed at Florida International Airport in the afternoon, and went through stomach clenching security checks that took the better part of 1.5hrs. May all terrorists burn in hell you mother-f*ckers.
Went to the shuttle counter as per their First Choice Holidays instructions, and asked for the transfer to their allocated hotel.
Shuttle company didn’t know anything about them, so they had to pay. Fucking First Choice Holidays. Sigh.
Their coach driver was a wonderful big black woman named Tammy, who was just lovely. (So worth the $10 tip)
Arrived at the Hotel drenched in sweat. It was a shit-hole. It looked nothing like the brochure. Fucking First Choice Holidays. Sigh.
There was a dead fly on the ceiling, (hello?) the carpet looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned since the early 70’s, and the bathroom also had a microwave oven in it. Fucking First Choice Holidays. Sigh.
Karen told Paul that she was not going to spend the next two weeks in low quality accommodation, and that if he wanted any sex this holiday, something would have to be done about it.
Paul immediately took Karen hotel-shopping for alternative accommodation in the less touristy part of International Drive.
At one point, they were so desperate, they were almost willing to book one of the rooms at the Embassy Suites, at the rate of $150 per night, which would have meant that they would end up spending an additional $2000 on a holiday that they’d already paid for.
Karen came to her senses after her hypnotic visons of sleeping in the comfortable, clean, fly-free rooms, and they both continued with their search for somewhere to stay.
They happened upon the Radisson on I-Drive, and promptly fell in love with the business suites there. They specifically asked not to be put in a tourist shithole room (of which there were many).
Search over.
Karen and Paul went back to the rat-infested, shit-hole, and gingerly crawled into bed, looking out for any unwelcome bed-mates.
Karen woke up at 4.30am, due to her fucked-up body clock, woke Paul up, and insisted that he call Fucking First Choice Holidays.
Paul duly called them, blasted them about the hotel, and told them that they needed to organise the accommodation at the Radisson, and that they would be willing to pay the upgrade costs.
The F*ck-wit on the other end of the line, apologised profusely, and tried shifting the blame onto Virgin Holidays.
Karen and Paul transferred from the Shit-Hole Hotel to the wonderful Radisson.
Their holiday could now begin in earnest.
THE HOLIDAY
They took lots of pictures.
Spent shitloads of money on crap,
Avoided other British tourists where possible.
Paul picked up a transatlantic accent, for which, Karen dutifully took the piss out of him.
Ate lots of junk food. Denny’s was a particular breakfast favourite.
Avoided scummy touristy restaurants such as Sizzlers and Ponderosa due to the fact that all the Brits had taken up permanent residence there, with their pale skins and ugly tattoos.
Paid $96 for a steak from Charlie’s Steak House. According to Russell (the waiter), they were “Number one in Florida, number two in the US” I didn’t ask him how they could possibly know that, but any restaurant that blithely charged $96 for steak, obviously knew a thing or two about (ripping people off) self-promotion.
The steak was nice though.
Paul took Karen to the gangster-ridden Citrus Bowl football stadium. They later found out that a cop had been shot there, the week before. Good to know.
Karen and Paul wanted to go to Miami, but Hurricane Rita was too near there, so they decided not to.
They spent a day at the beach in Clearwater which was heavenly. Being stupid Brits, they had planned a day at the beach, but somehow had not thought to take any bathing stuff with them, thus ended up spending a further $70 on bathing suits. Arseholes. Sigh.
Paul took Karen to the Raymond James Stadium, home to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Grrrr to Malcolm Glazier, and no, we don’t want Sven Goran-Eriksson to replace Sir Alex Ferguson). Karen thought it was ummm… interesting. Paul loved it.
A Security guard at the stadium informed them that they were trespassing, and that the pictures they had taken had to be destroyed (along with the other holiday pics).
Karen gasped out loud, and was about to launch into a tirade at the security guard when she noticed that he was winking. He was just joking. Bastard.
Karen and Paul did all the main theme parks.
Seaworld and Busch Gardens were firm favourites.
Karen especially loved the Shamu Killer Whale show, and the Dolphins (gush, gush)
Karen and Paul went on a rollercoaster called Sheikra (Busch Gardens) which had a 90o drop, and Karen nearly threw up on Paul. She loved it so much, she let Paul talk her into riding it a further three times. Sigh.
Disney World was an expensive let-down, but they loved the Reflections of Earth Fireworks and Soarin’ at Epcot.
The Kennedy Space Centre was really interesting. Paul took 96 photographs at that one attraction. Can we say, over-kill? Spotted a Floridian Bald Eagle whilst they were there. Happy sigh.
Wet and Wild was… well… wet and wild.
Paul and Karen evilly took great pleasure in making fun of some of the American dialects. See examples below:
Texan Lady at Sea World : “Which way to Shamoh?” She was asking directions to the Shamu show. Karen and Paul repeated this line till the end of the holiday, collapsing hysterically into laughter, each and every time it was said. Yes, they were ridiculously childish. No offense to any Texans out there (g).
Red-neck lady/man, (wasn’t sure what it was) at toll booth on the 528 highway. “Seeeeveeenty-farve!” When asked how much the toll was. She/he had teeth missing too. Perfect.
Annoying Latin Disney promotions lady on the TV “It was all up in my blurd” whilst talking about salsa dancing in Downtown Disney.
We Would Like To Thank…
All in all they had a fantastically wicked time, and would like to send out their thanx to the following people:
The Lady who told them not to bother with the Earthquake attraction at Universal Studios because it wasn’t worth the 45 wait. Oh how right you were….
Tammy, the coach driver who was sweating more than they were, but still managed top help them with their luggage, and make their journey enjoyable.
The Breakfast Servers at all three Denny’s on International Drive. You were all bloody wonderful.
Vick at the Radisson on I-Drive. If Karen wasn’t married…
To the Texan Woman, who asked them for directions to the Shamu the Killer Whale show, for providing them with no-end of hilarity for the duration of the holiday.
Steve and Barry’s collegiate clothes shop, for not stocking any item of clothing costing over $10. Our families will reap the rewards for the next three birthdays and Christmases.
To the girl at the Borders book shop on Sand Lake Road who recommended Lisa Valdez’s Passion. You rocked, even if the book proves to be a snooze-fest.
To the woman at the Barnes and Noble Book shop on Orange Blossom Trail who visibly shuddered when Karen asked her if they stocked Elloras Cave Books. Karen really appreciated your professionalism. Not.
To the girl at Saks Fifth Avenue, who complimented Karen on her attire with no ulterior selling motives. She’s so vain, that you made her day.
The Guy at Dollar Car Rentals, who told them that they could turn right when the traffic signals were at red. Thank you, thank you!
Their waitress at Dan Marino’s Tavern at Pointe Orlando. She was terrifically good fun.
The coaches for the Tallahassee high school swim team, and Bob (who was ‘just a parent’) who stayed at the Radisson on Friday evening. Thanks for the muffins, Gatorade, and the George Bush conversation.
The automatic Cherokee Jeep, that took them everywhere, and didn’t take more than $40 to fill up. Karen insists that Paul should now buy an automatic vehicle. Manual cars are the pits.
And finally, to Fiona and Rob (honeymooners) who they met standing in line, whilst waiting to be checked in at the Virgin Atlantic desk. You made the 1.5 hour wait, seem shorter than it was. Thanx guys.
Well, that’s it folks, I will issue photographs once we are better organised…. So, did y’all miss me? Any scandals that I should know about?
Scott
October 2
8:10 pm
Glad to see that you only stuck to Denny’s for breakfast. But then again it hard to screw that up.
Glad you got better accomodations, but sorry that it had to be that way to begin with.
Hope you truly enjoyed yourself Karen!
Scott
October 2
8:11 pm
Oh yeah. Almost forgot. Glad you liked the Cherokee. I have had one now for over 6 years. For an SUV, they have great gas mileage.
HelenKay
October 2
9:36 pm
Welcome back!
Shannon Stacey
October 3
12:01 am
Oooh, a microwave in the bathroom? I don’t have one of those.
I’m glad you’re back!
Angela James
October 3
12:15 am
What a great re-cap! It sounds like you had a fabulous time and I’m so glad. No great scandals that I can think of. Maybe you could start one, now that you’re back?
And of course we missed you! And I’m not just saying that, I actually thought of you when I was reading my blog comments sometimes and wondered what you’d have to say 🙂
Jenn
October 3
12:21 am
Glad you had a great holiday and as for news EVE left Andy and ran off with her female co-worker.
Jenn
October 3
3:05 am
Just kidding about Eve
Monica
October 3
6:29 am
Sounds like such fun! Glad to have you back though.
Ann
October 3
10:27 am
Yay! *tackle hug* I really did miss you! Sounds like an overall great trip. The Shamoh bit cracked me up. That’s something me and fam would make into a long-running joke too.
Wasn’t it awesome when the trainer rode Shamu’s nose into the stratsophere? Imagine what practicing that must’ve been like. I kept thinking: what if he fell on her? *cringe*
Happy to see you back!
Dawn
October 3
10:29 am
Welcome back, Karen.
It wasn’t the same with you gone. I was cold turkeying, not having a dose of your sarcastic wit each day.
There wasn’t any scandal, unless you count Peggy Mitchell clocking Chrissie Watts one and Chrissie falling in on top of Den’s coffin at the funeral. But if you don’t do the soaps, then you probably don’t give a toss (I don’t do the soaps by the way.).
Sounds like you two had a blast. I will admit that for me Kennedy Space Centre was the best part of our trip (says Dawn, taking a sip of tea from her silvery KSC mug ;-)). But then we did the behind the scenes tour and went out to the launch pad. Paul shouldn’t feel bad about taking so many pics, I did too.
BTW, were you able to meet up with Gray’s Woman? I haven’t been over to Sarah’s in a while.
Dawn
October 3
11:08 am
Meant to say, I sympathise completely with the crap hotel thing. In LA, the hotel I booked on Expedia was supposed to be 3 star. It was not. It was so awful, Jade cried, I cried. Michael was more effective – he checked us out of the hotel (even though we’d pre-paid) and back into the (much) nicer hotel we’d stayed in before.
Eve Vaughn
October 3
1:48 pm
Welcome back K-rock. You were greatly missed.
Rosie
October 3
3:34 pm
Karen, the two weeks seemed like a loooong time. I even checked your page a couple of times to be sure I had the dates right!!!
Glad everything worked out with the room and that you had a great time.
My DH and I always look for a Dennys first when in a new place and until we get the lay of the land. It’s pretty hard to screw up pancakes.
Rocio
October 3
4:26 pm
I cannot tell how much I missed you!!!
I’m so glad to hear about your vacation and even the hotel problem, because it was fun reading about it!
It’s great to have you back!!!
Karen Scott
October 3
10:52 pm
Scott, we had a truly marvellous time. Paul and I were really impressed by how clean Orlando was.
Paul fell in love with the Cherokee, he’s been looking up prices for the different ranges just today!
Thanks HelenKay!
Shannon, I just didn’t get why anybody would put a microwave oven in a bathroom next to the hand-basin. Sheesh!
Angie, I’m glad you missed me, although I can’t think of any good scandals just yet, I’ll have to see if I can get another RWA rumour going! *g*
Jenn, next you’ll be telling me that he ran off with you! *g*
Thanks Monica!!
*Hugs Ann back!* I’d say it was good to be back, but I’d be lying *g*
The Shamu show was just so amazing, those whales are just so darned well-trained. You could tell that the trainers were real animal lovers too!
Hi Dawn!! I haven’t watched Eastenders in a while, it got pretty crap there for a while so I just didn’t bother.
Paul and I went on the extended tour too, and went on the launch pad where Apollo five was successfully launched. We also went to the site where Challenger was buried. I thought this was particularly poignant.
I totally forgot that Susan lived in Florida to be honest, but we wouldn’t have had the time anyway, we were stretched as it were!
As for the hotel situation, I was ready to commit murder when we enetered that shitty room!
Thaks Eve!!
Rosie, we didn’t actually leave until the 18th Sep, but I had so much to do, that I knew I wouldn’t have time to write a farewell blog on the day!
Denny’s pancakes were just mouth-wateringingly fabulous, and the breakfasts were so filling that I didn’t need to eat again until late in the evening.
Thanks Ro, you puta!!
Tammy
October 4
12:30 am
Welcome back Karen, we sure missed you around here!
It’s good to see that you’re still in good form, your post had me rolling with laughter!
What did you think of Universal Studios? We went there last summer, and we didn’t think it was all that great.
Maven
October 4
1:03 am
I’m glad you’re back safely. I’m also surprised you were in the south and didn’t experience the joy that is Waffle House. All you can eat, 24/7 in a 20×20 room with some of the scruffiest people on earth. Everyone should have to experience that. As for Shamoh, you should hear my fellow Texans massacre the odd French phrase that has crept into common usage! Kell Sue-preeze.
As far as hotels go, you have my sympathy. I once spent a weekend in New Oreleans booked into what I kindly refer to as a crack motel. (Couldn’t get another hotel room either)
Glad you had a good time.
Maven
(who grew up with a Momma who still says Warsh – as in “Warsh those dishes, please.”)
Paz
October 4
1:31 am
Glad you had a good time. Welcome back!
Paz
Sam
October 4
8:04 am
What fun!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for posting – it was like going on holiday myself!
Hugs and welcome back!!
Sam
Kristie (J)
October 5
12:56 am
I didn’t realize you were back until tonight. Welcome back Karen. We missed you while you were gone! Loved reading about your adventures. Dead fly on the ceiling – still laughing.
Dakota Cassidy
October 5
1:27 pm
Hey! I live in Texas…LOLLOL. But I’m a native NY/NJ girl and for the entire first year we lived here (2004-NOW) my sons and I said, “Y’all fixin’ ta go now?” Then, collapsed into each other with laughter. A FULL year, darling. How’s that for overkill? LOL
Dakota 🙂
Desiree Erotique
October 6
1:20 pm
Hi Karen! I’m so behind on catching up on blogs this week. Sounds like you had a great time, and it’s good to know you’re back safe and sound.
Hugs