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Last year, I blogged about a friend of mine who was going through a tough time with her significant other, who she suspected was having an affair with a woman at work.

I recall telling her at the time, that whatever choice she made, she’d have to live with it, but I guess it’s much easier to dole out advice, when it’s not happening to you.

As you can probably gather, she decided to stay with him. I thought she was mad as ten badgers, but like I said, it’s easier to give advice when you’re not involved.

Anyway, since that particular episode, ‘Tamara’ and ‘Aidan’ (names have been changed to protect the innocent) have had major problems with their relationship. Problems which generally end up with her coming round to our house for tea and sympathy.

The last time I saw her was a couple of weeks ago, when a mutual friend of ours was having a party to celebrate a new job, and a new life in Dubai.

At the time, I thought something wasn;t quite right with her, but I figured, she’d tell me in her own time.

Anyway, The Tall Guy and I were at B&Q’s yesterday, when we ran into Tamara’s cousin Susan.

We exchanged the usual pleasantries, ‘you look fab, where did you get your hair done, and by the way how hot is your new boyfriend?’ You know, the usual stuff.

Anyway, Susan asks me how Tamara is coping. Of course, I have no idea what she’s talking about, so she tells me.

Apparently, Tamara moved out (with baby) when she discovered that Aidan, had been having an affair with not one, but two women. The Skanky Fucking Arsehole.

She’d discovered his infidelities, when she found a cell phone bill totalling £300 ($525) for the month, and most of the calls had been to two different numbers that she didn’t recognise.

She of course rang up, to find out who the numbers belonged to.

Apparently, the first woman she spoke to asked who the hell she thought she was, to which my friend must have said something like, I’m the mother of his child. Apparently, this ended in some kind of sobbing session. The woman didn’t know that he was already in a relationship.

The second woman answered the phone, and hung up, when Tamara asked who she was.

She then refused to answer Tamara’s follow-up calls. ( Methinks this one knew that Aidan was in a relationship already.)

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Tamara confronted the cheating rat bastard Aidan, and all hell broke loose. She ended up taking the baby, and going to her mother’s house.

That was the last time Susan had spoken to her.

I felt a little depressed that all this stuff had been happening to her, and she obviously felt that she couldn’t talk to me about any of it. I told Susan not to mention that she’d spoken to me, and when I got home, I called her, pretending I was after our friend’s e-mail address.

I asked her how she was doing, and suggested that we should get together for a girl’s night out or something.

She sounded a little morose, but insisted that she was fine. She didn’t mention the affairs at all. I decided not to push it, and we made arrangements for her to come over during the week.

I can’t help but feel a little wounded that she didn’t feel as if she could confide in me, but I actually understand it. She knows how I feel about Aidan, so I guess, she probably didn’t want to have to admit, that I was right all along.

I don’t do, ‘I told you so’s’, when it comes to my friends, and I figure that she should know this by now. I realise that making the decision to leave him was never going to be easy, and I did truly understand why she chose to stay.

Unless you’re involved, it’s hard to predict what you would actually do, under those same circumstances. If it happened to me, I’d like to think I’d set his pubes on fire leave his cheating arse, but to be fair, most women who it hasn’t happened to (as far as we are aware anyway) probably think the same. I know Tamara used to say the same, when it happened to other people she knew.

I want to confront her with what I know, but at the same time, I want it to be her decision as to whether she tells me or not.

To be honest, I don’t know what I’d say to her anyway, but I know that whatever decision she makes, it’s going to impact the baby, one way or another.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if this kind of betrayal didn’t happen? When you have children to think of, why would you want to jeopardise your relationship in such a manner?

My personal thoughts are that Aidan hasn’t loved Tamara in a very long time. She still loves him, but I think that every time, she discovers his lies, it kills off a little part of her that still believes that they can make it.

I don’t think they can last much longer. She may leave him for good this time, but knowing her as I do, I suspect that she’ll go back to him, once her OCD-inclined mother starts driving her up the wall. Discovering that he’s been cheating on her with two women, should, hypothetically speaking, make it easier to leave him, but once again, I don’t think it’s as cut and dried as that.

Oh well, only time will tell, I guess. Sigh…


  • Dawn
    August 6
    5:56 pm

    I’m very sorry to hear about your friend, Karen. I hope that she keeps her courage and does not go back to the rat, however difficult it is. I hope she sees now that he has no respect or love for her.


  • nicoletterivers
    August 6
    6:34 pm

    Karen —
    I think you’re very wise to know that it’s easier for you to give advice than it is for her to take it. Love makes you want to try again long after it makes any sense to hold on.

    She’ll tell you in her time.


  • Barbara B.
    August 6
    9:29 pm

    That’s a very sad story, particularly with a baby involved.
    I’ve never been in such a situation but I have lost people I love. It’s an incredibly agonizing and slow process to emotionally let go of a deceased loved one. I can only imagine the agony of the slow death of one’s hopes and dreams when the person hasn’t died, just the relationship.


  • Devonna
    August 6
    10:58 pm

    It is so much easier when you’re not involved. Sometimes all we can do as a friend is listen and be available when we’re needed. We can always say, “This is what I’d do”…but you never really know unless you’re in the situation yourself. You’re a good friend, Karen, and I’m sure Tamara realizes that you’ll be there when/if she needs you.


  • Rosie
    August 6
    11:40 pm

    There are so many ingredients that go into a relationship. It is a constant wonder and amazement to me how much punishment a person can take in the name of love. To borrow a phrase “the things we do for love”.

    When faced with adversity and life’s difficulties you can’t have too many friends. I’m sure “Tamara” will talk to you when she is able to cope and process everything.


  • Scott
    August 7
    11:27 am

    I wouldn’t feel too bad Karen that she hasn’t confided in you. When my ex-wife was running around on me, and I moved out, even most of the running around before I hadn’t talked to anyone. Your state of mind is warped. Like others here have said, you still think that things can work out, and you don’t want everyone thinking you are an idiot for staying put, or thinking less of the person you love. (Thankfully I came to my senses pretty quickly.) So for a while there, she (as I was) could just be so confused and feel so displaced, it’s hard to see what you are doing and not doing and what it means to everyone else. And quite frankly, her feelings right now are more important. And I am not condemming you in anyway for feeling the way you do. It is your right, and it isn’t selfish. You are handling it the correct way though, by letting her do it at her own pace. I know I was really messed up emotionally, and I can’t imagine going through that with a child.

    I hope she realizes that she is far better off then with that asshole.


  • Eve Vaughn
    August 7
    11:59 am

    She probably didn’t confide in your because she was ashamed. It’s nothing against you. Right now, all you can do is be there for her when she is finally ready to let you know what’s going on. I’m sure she could use a friend. I only hope she doesn’t go back to this weasle.


  • Kristie (J)
    August 7
    12:12 pm

    I agree with Eve – I don’t think it’s about you might saying ‘tol you so’, I think she is too embarrased to tell you. She confided in you so often and she doesn’t want to admit to herself you were right. I think once she makes that final break in her head – which she really needs to do – that she will come and proudly tell you. She doesn’t want to admit her weakness and once she gains the inner strength she will be back. I know it hurts you that she hasn’t told you, but I think she will eventually. And then she will be so grateful for all the support you gave her when she needed it.


  • Jade James Truth or Dare
    August 7
    1:22 pm

    Sounds like you’ve been a good friend Karen. And like Eve mentioned, she was probably ashamed.

    Now Aiden should be hung up by the balls on a string, and two rats placed on the end of the string should slowly walk to him until they make a meal out of his balls. The result will be chewed up balls and lack of having kids, and if he’s lucky the most he’d be able to do was pee.

    Yep-vivid imagination but it would serve him right for being a snake.



  • MaryJanice Davidson
    August 7
    5:05 pm

    I’m very sorry about your friend. That’s just rotten. But her not confiding in you had (I realize how this sounds) nothing to do with you. I have the best friend in the world, but I don’t tell her all my deep dark secrets because her good opinion and support mean everything. I’d rather keep a secret and her unconditional love, than risk telling her something and have her realize I’m a person with feet of clay after all. I suspect your friend feels the same way.

    Not to mention, it’s embarrassing. The whole thing. He sucks. She rules. That’s all.


  • Anonymous
    August 16
    10:59 pm

    Hey Karen…. your friend must be either very un-lucky, very stupid or telling you a pack of lies! I do have an amount of sympathy regarding her situation… but thats where I struggle! “its her situation” and as you yourself said…. It was a friend of her’s that told you the original story? hmmmm me thinks there are arms & legs a-growing.

    I do hope shes just unlucky because it would almost make a mockery of situations where girls are treated like shit. This guy seems a real dickhead.

    Do you have Aidans side of the sory? I mean com-on.. lets just say for arguments sake… Your friend was shagging around! Would she tell you? I don’t think so….. she couldn’t even tell you about her boyfriend!


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