Don’tcha Wish Your Boyfriend Was Hung Like Him?
Thursday, August 16, 2007Posted in: romance is bad for women and it's just porn anyway
HelenKay has an interesting link to some bint who thinks that romance books are harmful because they make us stoopid women long for the stereotypical romance hero in our real lives, plus let’s face it, most romance is porn for women anyway, and we’ve all seen the effects that watching porn has on men, haven’t we?…erm or something like that.
For the sake of clarity (you guys know I’m all about clarity right?) here’s what she actually wrote:
“I was concerned to learn that many romance novels are not as harmless as they look. In fact, some marriage therapists caution that women can become as dangerously unbalanced by these books’ entrancing but distorted messages as men can by distorted messages of pornography.
In fact, many of today’s romance novels actually have a huge soft porn influence, as nearly all major publishers are rushing to put out mainstream “erotica” titles to meet exploding demand. At what point should we admit that there is little difference between graphic images to men and seductive, graphic words and feelings to women? Erotica romances provide the porn-laced story with no worry about a spouse catching you online.
Erotica aside, even traditional romance novels promote – almost by definition – an unattainable romantic ideal. The male heroes are all strong, rugged and breathtakingly handsome, yet sensitive, patient listeners and utterly unselfish. Is it any wonder that if we read two or three of those romances in a row, we’d start to be irritated by our real-life husbands with all their wonderful yet exasperating idiosyncrasies?”
Yeah, so basically she’s saying that most women who read romances will eventually find their real lives, and their real life partners dull in comparison to the dashing dukes, and devilishly handsome heroes, that most romance books eschew.
I’m sure it wont surprise you to learn that this columnist is a right-winger. They always have the best ideas don’t they? *g*
Now, my initial reaction to the column was, what the fuck is this bitch talking about? But upon further contemplation, I wondered if she actually had a point?
No, not the whole ‘harmful’ crap, because Lord knows, there are certainly worse things out there than reading romance, for instance things like a somebody stabbing a two year old child to death, that kinda shit.
No, I’m wondering if, as romance readers, we are looking at our husbands and expecting them to be like the heroes that we love to read about.
I must admit, it’s never occurred to me to wish that TTG would do something as romantic as carry round my button in his coat as a reminder of when we met. Apart from the inconvenience of having a button knackering up my washing machine, I’m not sure if the reality is as romantic as it seems when we read it in La Nora’s books.
Do we secretly wish that our husbands could be as alpha as some of the heroes that we read about?
Do we wish that our significant others would wake up without the nastiness that is morning breath?
Do we secretly wish that our S.O’s would walk round with perpetual hard-ons because they’re thinking of us all the time?
Do we also wish that our S.O had a twelve inch dick, and was built like a brick shithouse? Seriously girls, having a guy with a dick that big can be a real pain in the arse. *g*
Personally, if my hubby started demanding sex ten times a day, I’d divorce his ass.
Flowers are lovely, but if he ever sent me a room full of the stuff, I’d demand to see the bill, then proceed to beat him over the head with my hardback copy of Nora’s Born In Death, for wasting all that money, when I could have gone out and bought lots of nice clothes instead.
If TTG ever threw me to the ground, and started trying to have his wicked way with me whilst somebody was shooting at us, I’d punch him in the nose and tell him to get a grip.
In short, on paper, there can be no denying the appeal, but would we really want our husbands to be perfect little Ken-dolls, with hard abs, and tight asses, who can make us orgasm during penetrative sex, even without the benefit of foreplay?
Hmmmm… what was my point again? *g*
Wendy
August 16
9:00 pm
Shit, I wish my guy would just take out the trash without me nagging him.
How’s that for low expectations?
Sandra Schwab
August 16
9:50 pm
In her essay in Dangerous Men and Adventurous Women, Doreen Owens Malek writes, “My husband, ever the logical lawyer, is fond of saying that if he once behaved the way the heroes do in my books, I’d serve him with separation papers the same day.” Tee-hee! 🙂
What’s interesting about this oh-romance-is-so-harmful piece is that she doesn’t mention sex scenes in mainstream fiction. Perhaps somebody should send her that book in which the male orgasm is described as demon eel slime rushing about. Or the book which features sex with goats (please note the plural).
Eve Vaughn
August 16
10:04 pm
LOL @ Wendy.
I think if my hubby said have the things I’ve read or written in a romance book, I’d might laugh in his face. While it sounds wonderful on paper to read about a man with a foot long dong , never burps or farts, and leaves the toilet seat down, but 9 times out of 10 the men in our lives aren’t like that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband to death, even when I want to strangle him, but I’m certainly able to seperate fantasy from reality, and the fact that this lady implies most romance readers can’t is a kind of insulting. Personally, my husband’s imperfections is part of him, and without them he wouldn’t be the same man I love, and I’m sure most women feel the same way about their SO’s.
People read books to escape and having the perfect hero in a story is part of the fantasy.
Angela James
August 16
10:09 pm
Oh God, every time I read about that button, I swear my heart speeds up. It’s such a gushy thing for a guy like Roarke to do.
To steal a line from you, Karen, I love Roarke like fat kid loves cake. But I don’t expect my husband to call me “a ghra”, bring me a huge-ass diamond for Australia or carry a button from a piece of my clothing. I do, however, expect him to remember by birthday and spend time with our daughter. Darn those romance novels for teaching me unrealistic expectations 😉
Anne
August 16
10:55 pm
Oh for the love of Pete! WTF? Seriously, some people have issues. If by some effed up circumstance a woman fancies herself a man like Roarke and dumps her DH because of that, then she had serious issues before she read the book. I tell ya, what some people won’t dream up. *shaking head*
azteclady
August 16
11:46 pm
What creeps me out is the underlying message in this kind of articles/posts/essays–that women NEED someone to protect them from themselves. That unless there is someone making sure there are no ‘negative’ or ‘nasty’ options open to us, we (poor, misguided, witless creatures that we are), will of course choose the destructive one.
Please, people, do not protect adults from their OWN choices, okay? Dammit.
Anonymous
August 17
12:10 am
Some of the things I’ve read (and loved) would never translate into real life. One of my all time favorite heroes is Seth from Behind Closed Doors. However, I gotta tell you if a guy was sitting outside my house at 2am or breaking in and demanding to know where I’ve been when I’m home late, I would be calling the police not jumping into bed with him!
I think the majority of us are aware of the difference between fantasy and reality!
Josie
Shelly @ Bewitched
August 17
12:40 am
There will always be people in the world that can take anything too far. There probably are some women out there with hugely unrealistic expectations. But come on. I think the majority understand the word fiction.
I do like this: Erotica romances provide the porn-laced story with no worry about a spouse catching you online.
So reading romance is akin to cheating on your spouse? That was kind of a large leap…..
Shelly @ Bewitched
August 17
12:42 am
Or maybe, I’m likening that statement to chat rooms instead of porn sites. I wonder how many men/significant others out there feel “threatened” by their partner’s romance books…
Ann Bruce
August 17
1:23 am
Do we secretly wish that our S.O’s would walk round with perpetual hard-ons because they’re thinking of us all the time?
Does he also come with a trust fund? Just asking ’cause holding down a job might be an issue.
Kristie (J)
August 17
1:25 am
Hell, I NEVER expected my SO to act like the heroes in romance novels. As I told him over and over – it’s FICTION. They AREN’T REAL PEOPLE. The heroes on romance novels are WRITTEN BY MOSTLY WOMEN.
Instead mine was a real guy, the kind who had central air installed when I started going through menopause, who would remember our anniversary better than I would, who taught his sons how to play baseball. I’d take that kind of guy any day over a made-up person.
Kikee
August 17
3:10 am
That’s why it drives me crazy when readers debate/discuss/ponder which hero would you most like to marry? WTF?? Must be the logical/rational side of me, cuz I do not now, nor have I ever, nor do I expect to ever get my panties in a knot over a fictional character! Believe you me, I know the guys in the books I read do NOT exist. And I can’t say that I am sitting around waiting for one to magically appear. I read for entertainment, not companionship. Ugghhh
Rosie
August 17
5:54 am
I probably shouldn’t be posting because I’m tired and cranky. But I get soooooo tired of people who don’t know me telling me what’s good for me. Yes, an expert’s advice can be very helpful, but I’d like to go looking for it on my own.
Why are strongly held opinions (like this one about romance novels) written by people under the guise of enlightening or helping the rest of humanity save itself from some evil?
Give me a freakin’ break already.
Kat O+
August 17
7:28 am
That article looks familiar. I think someone previously. commented on the phrase “at least women are reading”. Am I imagining this?
Anyway, I admit to indulging in a bit of wishful thinking now and again. But I’m perfectly aware that most alpha males in a romance novel would be too creepy for me in real life. *lol* What I wish would spill into real life is for my hubby to have the ability to read my mind and respond perfectly to whatever drama I’m having. Then we can have our HEA in about a hundred pages with rip-roaring sex in between. Sadly, no. Then again, I’m not exactly like a typical romance heroine either, so maybe he’s actually getting the raw end of the deal. 😉
eggs
August 17
8:17 am
Doesn’t everyone remember that study a while back that showed romance readers had sex with their partners 74% MORE than women who didn’t read romance? That doesn’t sound like reading romance makes us dissapointed in our real life lovers – if anything, it makes us want them more!
eggs.
December/Stacia
August 17
10:07 am
I agree with aztec lady and Rosie…
But am I the only one who thinks the worst part of all of this is, supposed professional therapists telling women they shouldn’t really expect much from their romantic lives? That they shouldn’t expect to find a passionate, committed love with a man who will cherish them? That they shouldn’t expect a man to be sensitive to their needs, to want them, to listen to them and support them, and to be strong?
I guess all we can hope for is a quick fuck behind the frat house, and maybe he’ll pay child support too, and if we’re really lucky, he’ll let us wash his shirts after. Because hoping to fall in love with a man who’ll love us back is apparently silly and unrealistic now.
Cheers, high school girls! Have fun growing up!
Mrs Giggles
August 17
10:46 am
What really annoys me about such rantings of these so-called right wing women is that they are just enforcing tedious and tired double standards forced on women.
How come no one rants about men and their porn, for example? No one bats an eyelid about a man reading Maxim. No one cries that society will fall into ruins when men read Playboy and Penthouse. But whenever a woman reads a romance novel, it’s time for the gasps of outrage.
So, so, so boring.
Karen Scott
August 17
12:38 pm
You make a good point actually December, it seems a shame that we can’t expect men to treat us like the queens we are, without it being seen as unrealistic.
Mrs G, there’s a double standard that’s been around longer than us, and somehow I don’t see it changing, especillay when its Anne Coulter-type women who are the most vocal about what women should and shouldn’t do with their own lives.
Ann Bruce
August 17
1:02 pm
Anne Coulter
I can’t believe you brought her up. The woman’s like a rabid dog. *shudder* There goes my morning.
LA Day
August 17
1:16 pm
I find the whole thing insulting.
Whether you read romance or not most people have fantasies. Are you likely to follow through on them…hell no.
I enjoy reading and writing about alpha males. Would I want one of them as my husband…no. I’d probably slap the $@*$ out of him the first time he opened his mouth but I still enjoy the fantasy.
Heather (errantdreams)
August 17
3:39 pm
Pfft. The fact that I enjoy erotic romance in no way means I want my husband to behave like that, and I’m insulted by the very notion. On the other hand, such books can do wonders for a married couple’s sex life. 😉
Bonnie Dee
August 17
3:40 pm
“even traditional romance novels promote – almost by definition – an unattainable romantic ideal.”
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here on this colunist’s behalf. I would certainly hope most readers can tell the difference between what they read and real life, but I do believe, in general, that young girls (and thus the women they later become) ARE influenced to an extent by the “happily ever after” syndrome from watching (or in this case reading) too much romance. I do think there can be a certain expectation subconsciously assimilated.
Just as girls who grow up seeing too many teen divas and scrawny magazine models may start thinking that’s what they should look like.
I imagine some would be influenced by a steady consumption of romance stereotypes to think they should be able to find soul-mates and experience completion by being with that one “special” person. Hooey! Find completion in yourself first, chica, then see if there’s a man you’re vaguely compatible with and do your best to make it work.
sybil
August 17
4:37 pm
Well you know Bonnie I have to say I would rather young girls grow up expecting to be loved beyond reason, protected at the cost of life and kissed like there is no tomorrow than expecting to jump at the first man who will ask, love them regardless because who knows if someone else will want them and take whatever because it is there place.
I would rather young girls know they can grow up to be a mother and a wife if they want to and still demand respect. Or they can be the CEO of a company and call the shots. They can even be both.
I would rather they know sex is to be enjoyed not endured. That if there aren’t fireworks you can work at it. And that giving up your virginity at whatever age is no one’s decision but theirs but a quickie in the backseat of a car with another who is 15 won’t do shit for you but get him off.
The thing is can a romance novel teach that? Some could. Some won’t. Books are rarely the devil but they should never be expected to take the place of parents.
Of course I could be wrong what do I know?
Maralyn
August 17
4:48 pm
I read romance because it’s nice to fantasize sometimes, I’m pretty sure I don’t expect my husband to be like any of the men I read about. I agree with December, even if I did, that wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing would it? Better that, than expect to be abused by men, and treated like crap.
Jenns
August 17
5:05 pm
Oh, thank God there are people out there looking out for silly little me! Why, when I’m not reading a romance, I’m watching for a gorgeous man to come along and sweep me out of my meaningless life and place me on his white horse so that we can dash off into the sunset together. I mean, I didn’t know that these books were FICTION.
Thank goodness someone has yet again explained the dangers of romance novels to me, so that I wouldn’t get the wrong idea in my pretty little head! Obviously, I need a lot of guidance and protection.
Cara
August 17
6:28 pm
Alot of romance is on TV and in the movies as well, but the major difference is reading is done alone. Are people jealous?
I agree with Sybil. We expect our children to grow up to protect themselves and succeed in life. Why shouldn’t their personal relationships be influenced as well? We tell them they can be anything they want….well hell, I want my girls to expect NO LESS from the man they choose. I raise them to know the difference between wanting a man and needing a man. And if a romance novel (with a touch of fantasy 😉 is giving them something to look forward to is helping that, then the nay-sayers can pack sand!
Its all about the HEA and that is what I want for all little girls to look forward to.
Angelia Sparrow
August 17
10:40 pm
I’m glad my husband isn’t like the heros I write. If he was, he’d be having torrid sex with his best friend, and I’d be nowhere in sight.
I don’t mind an alpha streak now and then, but a steady diet of “Wench, come here! I lust!” gets old.
Hung is always nice. *just smiles*
And mostly, I want people to nose out of what I’m reading except to ask “Is it good? Do you think I’d like it?” If I wanted self-improvement, I’d read Machiavelli.
Shelia
August 18
12:16 am
Shaking my head…sounds like they don’t think romance readers know the difference between reality and fantasy.
As some folks have already commented–what if I wanted a man like the men I read in romance novels…is it bad? No. Is it realistic? No…but guess what, some of those qualities we read about can be found in the men we love…not all of course, because there’s no such thing as a perfect man.
Rocio
August 18
3:24 am
I’m scare! If reading romance is that bad, what will reading freaking suspence do to me? woul that make me plot the perfect murder?
If you read about sex, you want to have sex….if you read about criminal minds…what? Am I in danger of becoming lecter?
I wish it was that easy!I guess that lady has a bad case of Matrix where people plug stuff in their brains!
Another Wendy
August 18
3:52 am
Why yes, I do wish Mr Wendy would wake up without deadly morning breath.
Janean
August 18
5:38 am
I think that any woman that expects her love life to play out like the plot of whatever romance novels she’s been reading was likely a few bricks shy a load before she ever picked up a book.
I started reading romance novels in my early teens, and even as an inexperienced girl I never saw them as anything other than FANTASY material.
I have to laugh when I imagine my husband telling me he feels cheated on when I read romance novels…
I can’t say these types of complaints really surprises me though. There are always miserable control freaks trying to police anything that provides enjoyable entertainment for others.
B
August 19
3:01 am
Regardless of any flaws in the writing of romance novels, they overall present a much better picture of love and sex than any other form of literature and media.
Who’s going to protect me my pretty little head from all this lazy journalism?
Emily Veinglory
August 19
8:05 pm
Even of some bint doesn’t know the difference between fiction and reality, romance is probably the least harmful thing they could read and attempt to emulate.
Anonymous
August 26
3:39 am
Oooh that’s why I’m still single. I’m waiting for my Duke. That may be a problem seeing as I live in America and I doubt there are very many Dukes here. I guess I’ll just have to content myself with reading about them instead. Damn you romance novels for setting my expectations so high!
Emma (who’s too lazy to sign into blogger. Damn you blogger!)
RfP
September 3
12:37 am
supposed professional therapists telling women they shouldn’t really expect much from their romantic lives
Feldhahn cited “Dr. Julianna Slattery, psychologist and author”. But the article skated over the name of the full name of her book:
Finding the Hero in Your Husband: Surrendering the Way God Intended.
I’m pretty sure it’s associated with the creepy “surrendered wife” movement.