Charlie Horse has an interesting post up on his blog.
He’s talking about inter-racial dating, and why it’s more common for a black man to date a white woman, and not so much the other way round.
He writes:
“So why the disconnect? I asked a black colleague at work and she said it was more “cultural” than racial. It could be that. I can also see why that wouldn’t inhibit a black guy from dating a white woman since men generally aren’t that concerned about cultural differences and are “just happy to get some.”
I wonder how true it is that men generally don’t worry as much about cultural differences as women?
I dated a white guy once. That didn’t work out so well. The crazy bastard stalked me for months, and poured battery acid over my beloved car when I dumped him. He didn’t understand that ringing me and my friends 100 times a day to find out where I was, and having his friends spy on me wasn’t the best way to conduct a relationship. This is why I have an acute aversion to crazy people.
Anyway, I haven’t got time to analyse Charlie’s post further, so I suggest you bob over and read what he has to say on the matter.
I will say one thing though, if I was that way inclined, I would totally do Gabrielle Union too. *g*
Tracy
October 8
3:13 pm
I wouldn’t right now b/c I’m married ;o) BUT, if I was single I would and I have.
My parents best friends growing up were an interracial couple (he was Hispanic, she white) so I just never really thought about it as a big deal. I saw there were “problems” as in her family being idiots about it etc. But I just thought that was more her parents problem than anything else.
I’ve dated hispanic men and my sister dated a black man. The relationships did not work out but race was not the issue.
Honestly, I’ve always been physically attracted to hispanic men, but somehow I married a blode haired, blue eyed Norwegian! LOL
Sarah McCarty
October 8
3:23 pm
I think it’s hard enough to find someone you connect to, so no, pretty much race would not even be a category on the plus and minus sheet of debate.
Angela
October 8
3:37 pm
Why? Here are a few common assumptions I’ve seen and heard as to why black women and white men don’t date on the same scale as black men and white women:
1. White men don’t find black women attractive
2. Black women have to stand by the black man
3. White men only want black women as side pieces
4. Black women have attitude problems
5. Massa + slave=rape
6. Racist family members
7. Love the skin color but don’t want mixed babies
8. Black men are better endowed and better in bed
9. Racism in general
10. Black women are not seen as status symbols in America
—–
I don’t have an issue with IR dating and marriage, but there are pitfalls and perils both people have to be willing to overcome in order to be together, and for the most part, most people don’t want to be more uncomfortable than necessary when they look for a romantic relationship.
shiloh walker
October 8
4:39 pm
I have~wouldn’t now because I’m married. 😉 Married outside my race to a Native, but race hasn’t ever played into our relationship. We love each other, and for us, that’s all that matters.
Love is love, plain and simple. Person is lucky enough to find somebody that they love and respect, that returns the feeling, they should jump on it. Yeah, I’m aware there can be issues, and the couple needs to be aware of them… but if you really love somebody, that love should be worth it.
As to your comment…
I wonder how true it is that men generally don’t worry as much about cultural differences as women?
I’m inclined to think that men are going to worry about the same things as women do~they might show it differently, they do tend to react differently, and they probably don’t worry as much over some things as do. But guys are humans and it’s human nature to worry over things.
One of my younger brothers is married to a black woman~they’ve been together since high school. How much did her race play into it for him? Or his for her? I don’t know. But I can say that they’ve been together for fifteen years and they have 3 kids together. My brother’s world revolves around his family, and that’s exactly as it should be for any family.
Dionne Galace
October 8
4:41 pm
I don’t really have a problem with IR dating. I grew up with it. My mother is Filipina and my dad–adoptive, my biological one is not in the picture– is african-american. In San Diego, especially on campus, many many many couples are IR. It’s very commonplace here.
I was in a relationship with a white man for five years and before that, it was another white man for three years. My current boyfriend? White dude. My sister, who is dating a Nice Chinese Boy, asked me, “Have you ever considered why you only date white people?”
And the answer? I don’t know. I’m huge movie/comic book/music/lit geek and the only people I keep bumping into and dating at the comic book stores and indy movie theaters are… well, white dudes.
raine
October 8
4:46 pm
Yes I would, yes I have on occasion, and never gave a crap what anybody thought about it.
If we seriously connect, and if he’s good to me and good for me, the fact that our ancestors came from different places is not my primary concern.
Dionne Galace
October 8
4:52 pm
the only people I keep bumping into and dating at the comic book stores and indy movie theaters are… well, white dudes.
I meant — “the only people I keep bumping into at the comic book stores and movie theaters are white dudes.” Not that I date them at the comic book store and indy movie theaters.
Though I have had dates there.
April
October 8
5:01 pm
Having grown up in San Diego and mostly Filipina (I’m also partly white) and being engaged to a white man (Irish ancestry), I can only support Dionne’s comment. It’s no big deal down there and no big deal in most Filipino families (the Philippine islands are in the path of trade winds). I have a cousin who is half black, cousins who are half (actually more than half) white. I had friends who were half Korean, half black; half Japanese, half white; and all kinds of half this, half that. Many more were quarter or eighth this and that. In that town, no one is ever surprised to find out that an acquaintance is actually mixed.
Would I date outside my race? I don’t know. Maybe? 🙂
Sherry Thomas
October 8
5:16 pm
I’ve been thinking about something on a similar line.
A while ago, I asked my husband, “Are we an interracial couple?”
He looked at me and said, “Duh.”
He’s Indian, I’m Chinese. In the States we are grouped in the same category–Asians–therefore my uncertainty.
Race is very much a construct. I thought we were the same race simply because we’ve been lumped together in this country, along with Pacific Islanders.
Ann Bruce
October 8
6:28 pm
I don’t even register IR dating because it’s so common in my world and too many of my friends are mixed–and the guys are so incredibly hot.
As for people who don’t want mixed babies, please look at Halle Berry, Russell Wong, Kelly Hu, Maggie Q, Kristin Kreuk, and the list goes on.
Giselle
October 8
7:37 pm
I’m Dominican and my husband is white. In our case the situations were reversed in that I was totally opposed to dating outside my race and he was more than happy to do so.Needless to say he eventually convinced me. So, I totally agree that cultural differences matter to women much more than men. He didn’t give a fig and was more than happy to learn about my culture and even my language. I, on the other hand, still have a little trouble with some of his small town Louisiana customs and mores. Alligator sauce piquante, anyone?
Serene
October 8
8:09 pm
For funzies, I’m wondering what y’all make of this: in an inter-racial couple, it has been found that the minority brings the beauty. Thoughts? Implications? (And I’m bringing this up because it’s a topic of debate/interest among my friends and was wondering what others thought, not to drop a racially loaded bomb)
Pepper Espinoza
October 9
2:01 am
I think it’s a product of where you are from. My husband’s family is full of interracial relationships! His maternal grandmother was Piute Indian, and his maternal grandfather was black. His paternal grandfather was Mexican, and his paternal grandmother was white. His father identified as Hispanic, and his mother identifies as black. His entire family is from California. He looks dark enough to be black, he always self-identifies as Hispanic, and he’s the whitest boy I know. It’s very complicated.
I’m lily-white.
sula
October 9
2:32 am
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about four years. He’s black, I’m white. He’s Muslim, I’m Christian. He’s African, I’m American. Hell, for the first years of our relationship we had to communicate in French, a language that is neither of our mother tongues. But who cares? In the end, despite our differences we make a good couple. And as far as which of us brings the beauty? Definitely him. He’s drop-dead gorgeous while I’m pretty much average. Still not sure why he’s with me… lol.
Kat O+
October 9
2:52 am
I went the other way and avoided Filipino boys because: a) they had preconceived notions and expectations of me; b) there was a good chance my Dad would know his family and there’s nothing worse that my Dad knowing my business. *lol* I did end up married to a Filipino guy, but he grew up in Oz so he’s more Aussie than Filipino in many respects. And you know, some of the biggest disagreements we have stem from our Filipino-ness. In some ways, I think it’s easier to be more tolerant of another race.
Also, here in Oz, interracial relationships are par for the course. I have noticed, though, that among my friends, it’s more common to see Filipinas with non-Filipinos than the other way around.
Eve Vaughn
October 9
3:46 am
I’m black and my husband is white. So yes to that question. When I did date I went for guys who shared my same interests, so I’ve been with black, white, hispanic, and native american.I think when we limit ourselves to one group, we miss the opportunity to meet some wonderful people.
Kristie (J)
October 9
3:48 am
I doubt it would even be a consideration for me to date someone of a different race. Years (and years and years )ago, my dad was the CO of the local air cadets. With 3 daughters and no sons, when they had cadet dances and stuff and cadets from other cities would come, he would ask if we would be a ‘date’ for some of them who didn’t have one. I agreed 3 different times and the best date was with a black guy. And not only that, I was proud of my dad that it didn’t matter to him either.
As for black women dating white men, I always wondered why Halle Berry didn’t go out with a white guy. Her mother was white and father was black. And she did seem to have some bad experiences with her black husbands. But now she’s happy and in love and preggers and the father is an absolutely gorgeous white model. And she seems very happy. Of course I put it down more to the fact that he’s Canadian *g*
Dawn
October 9
8:39 am
Well, as a complete mongrel (race-wise not looks, LOL!), I have black, white and Indian (Asian) in me. I have dated both black and white men. My dh is black. I find, though, that I tend to notice if the man is white and the woman is black, it just seems to be a little less common.
Karen Scott
October 9
10:09 am
White men don’t find black women attractive
I think it depends on how much exposure the white guy has had in terms of meeting black women.
Also, some men have a ‘type’ that they go for, e.g. blonde, blue-eyed, and thin, but I think that’s just a matter of taste, much in the same way that in general, my type isn’t blonde, blue-eyed men, but that’s not to say that if I met somebody with all those features, I wouldn’t fall for them. (if I was single obviously)
Some white men genuinely don’t find black women attractive, but there are also black men who genuinely don’t find white women appealing. On a personal front, Asian men (as in Indian, Pakistan etc) generally don’t float my boat, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good-looking Asian boy when I see one.
Suisan
October 9
4:16 pm
My grandfather was an Armenian immigrant who spoke with a thick accent when he met my lily-white (Daughter of the American Revolution, ancestors on the Mayflower, ancestors accused of witchcraft in Salem) grandmother.
Her mother was horrible to him for the rest of her life, made fun of his looks, his clothes, and his accent for about forty years of their marriage.
Being brought up with that history of pain, I’ve always been very open to IR dating and IR marriages. Our dearest friends are an Indian/black husband and white/Latina. My longest relationship (other than with my husband) was with a German/Korean guy. My husband’s Jewish, I’m Christian.
I truly don’t understand a lot of the anxiety that is brought up around race, love, marriage, and children. It doesn’t make sense to me.
Anonymous
October 9
5:42 pm
My family is well mixed…Black, French, Indian…and my looks are definitely AA. My first husband (and there have been 3!) was white and the second was black. My current husband is white. I dated different men throughout my single life. Frankly, where I was raised could (and, unfortunately, still can) be designated a racist town. My first husband and I endured some *stuff*.
And I must say, I have 2 gorgeous daughters (my only children) by the first dh. My current husband is German.
I see people as humans. I don’t see their heritage. Love is supposed to be blind. I have been blinded once again. 🙂
—
delta
roslynholcomb
October 9
5:57 pm
I’m black. My husband is white and we live in Alabama, also known as ‘The Heart of Dixie.’ Need I say more? Actually, considering what we were expecting we got a lot less grief than we anticipated. For one thing, we were older. By the time you hit your 30s no one gives much of a damn WHO you marry. Also, I think we’ve benefited from the whole gay marriage hoopla. Folks are seeing that it actually COULD be worse. One of my long-term friends, a black male who was always opposed to IRs, suddenly changed his tune when his daughter came out. He actually asked me, “Why couldn’t she just bring a white boy home.” I still laugh hysterically at that one.
From what I’ve been hearing for the past decade or so, black women marry out less than black men because of loyalty to black men. We also need to take into consideration that women of all races (except Asian) in this country marry out less than men. That’s not surprising. For the most part women are the keepers of the culture. There is typically more pressure on women to marry within their own culture. Exogamy is tolerated, even encouraged with men, not so much with women.
There is also a fear of rejection. After all, most black women hardly measure up to this country’s beauty standard. I have a post entitled: Nappyheadedness and Fuckability on my blog for those who are interested.
http://web.mac.com/roslynholcomb/iWeb/Site/Blog/E3CE68A9-E869-11DB-AF91-0003937BDE2C.html
I also did a commentary based on bell hooks’ assertion that American society will shift, or at least demonstrate that it has shifted in regards to race, when there’s an increase in respectable relationships between black women and white men.
http://web.mac.com/roslynholcomb/iWeb/Site/Blog/758AF440-FA4C-11DB-B4A9-0003937BDE2C.html
Scott
October 9
7:10 pm
For some reason, my original comment didn’t show up. I think I forgot to type in the password.
It may be a stereotype that white men don’t find black women attractive, but from my experience there are plenty of us that do in fact find black women attractive. (Any guy out there that doesn’t think Beyonce isn’t gorgeous is a freakin’ fool!)
After my divorce, I mentioned to a co-worker that it didn’t matter what race or creed someone was. If I found someone that I connected with, that was what was important. Sure, cultural barriers may be tough to hurdle. But having an open mind is the key to life, no matter what you are dealing with.
And when my son brings home his girlfriend (when he is old enough), I won’t care what color skin she has. Just as long as she is a good person and treats my son well.
Karen Scott
October 9
10:29 pm
And when my son brings home his girlfriend (when he is old enough), I won’t care what color skin she has. Just as long as she is a good person and treats my son well.
I love you Scott. I just had to tell you that.
Eve Vaughn
October 9
10:31 pm
LOL, Rosyln that was funny. That kind of reminds me, I think one of the reasons my husband’s parents were so receptive to me was because his girlfriend before me was such a bitch and they hated her so much, I was welcomed with open arms. I think they would have welcomed me anyway, but my being black wasn’t as big a deal as it would have been. Hell, they might have accepted a gay lover after the demon as she’s referred to.
Scott, your son is already a big flirt, I don’t think race will matter to him either.
Anonymous
October 10
12:19 am
My mom was Sihasapa Lakota and Black and my dad Dominican so the way I look at it I can date almost anybody and it wouldn’t be i/r dating.
Growing up my mom made sure to teach us there is no difference in men no matter race, religion or any other reasons.
I know a couple of friends of mine will only date black men and I think that’s kind of silly. They’re looking for persons of a specific color and they could be passing over their soul mates.
Tracy
October 10
12:39 am
“And when my son brings home his girlfriend (when he is old enough), I won’t care what color skin she has. Just as long as she is a good person and treats my son well.”
Scott, I have two boys and I agree whole heartedly with this statement. Honestly, as long as they treat my sons well and are good people, race is not an issue to me in any way whatsoever.
Elizabeth Kerri Mahon
October 10
2:55 pm
I too am a mutt, AA, Native American, and white. I’ve been in several IR in my life. My last long term relationship was with a white guy, and I’ve dated both white, AA, and Hispanic. As long as a guy treats me well, and with respect, he could be green for all I care.
Charlie Horse
October 11
11:01 pm
These comments are quite enlightening. If only everyone in the world was as tolerant as the readers of romance novels 🙂
Charlie Horse
October 11
11:04 pm
Also in complete agreement with you about Gabrielle Union 😉