I was watching IACGMOOH the other night, when one of the contestants – a former talk show host – put this moral dilemma to the rest of the group:
A woman is having an affair with a man, and she gets pregnant. The thing is, she’s not sure whether the baby is her husband’s, or her lover’s. The problem is, she still loves her husband and she wants to make their marriage work. Her lover is a bit of a player and wouldn’t want to be saddled with the responsibility. What should she do? Should she come clean to the husband, or should she keep stum, hoping that the baby is her husband’s afterall?
I guess the right thing to do would be to tell her husband, but then if she loves her husband despite her affair, maybe telling him would mean the end of their marriage, something that she fears greatly?
What say you?
Lolita Lopez
November 28
9:53 am
Well if she really cared about her marriage she shouldn’t have screwed around. If people would just keep the commitments they make, they wouldn’t run into these moral dilemmas.
That said, prenatal paternity testing is available. The woman could, theoretically, identify the father before making a decision. The testing carries the same risks as amniocentesis whether she goes the amnio route or CVS route for procuring the sample. The hard part would be gathering her husband’s or lover’s DNA without their knowledge. (She’d only need one or the other.) They use buccal swabs for the parent samples so I guess she could try to get the sample off of a toothbrush or she could try to cook up some kinky mouth-swab game…
Emmy
November 28
10:40 am
What Lo-Lo said…if she was so in love with her hubby, why was she out boinking other dudes?
It seems like the crisis here is that the fucktard was so stupid, she didn’t even bother with condoms and got knocked up. Had the pregnancy not happened, she’d likely be happily bouncing along with her marriage and her bit on the side. No need make changes or confessions.
Also, why mention that her bang buddy is a player? It seems like she’d be willing to entertain the notion of running off with him if he were a bit more responsible, but he’s not so she’s stuck with the old horse.
Take the day off work and get an abortion, then get a divorce and let the poor, unsuspecting fool go. He deserves better than to be shackled to a witless whore.
(and don’t ask me any more questions like this when I’m tired and cranky, lol)
Karen Scott
November 28
11:08 am
I definitely don’t think that having an abortion is the answer. The mistake was hers and I don’t think the baby should be made to pay. The condom thing is a big issue, and had she been more responsible in terms of practising safe sex, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place.
Teddypig
November 28
12:23 pm
The mistake was hers and I don’t think the baby should be made to pay.
I totally agree with this statement and with Emmy saying she should get an abortion. She does not want the marriage and she does not want the pregnancy and she does not sound very responsible or mature. A baby is not a life lesson to get stuck with to teach responsibility. A child is the last thing this woman should be raising.
Emmy
November 28
12:39 pm
The intelligent thing to do if the pregnancy is not welcome would be to give the child up for adoption. However, it’s glaringly obvious that this woman is far from intelligent.
Rather than guilting her into keeping a child she doesn’t want and then letting her turn the poor bastard into another angry teen that goes out and kills its classmates in an emo moment, abortion is the best option.
Forcing a kid to grow up in a fucked up situation because its mom is an idiot and deserves the object lesson has yet to be proven to be a good idea.
Sparky
November 28
1:14 pm
She tells him.
I don’t see it as much of a moral dilemma. She has two choices.
1) she treats the man she loves with no respect and sets herself up for literally decades of possible lies (or, to be more accurate, CONTINUES to treat the man she loves with no respect) for the sake of her own convenience and comfort
2) She actually acknowledges that she’s been treating him like shit by cheating on him and tries to work to rebuild the trainwreck she has caused.
I don’t see 1 as a moral choice. She loves him? Shame she didn’t remember that a little earlier, like before she jumped her lover’s bones. This is a simple choice between being brave, owning up to her actions and showing her husband a modicum of respect (the man she’s supposed to love) and chickening out and continuing to treat him like shit.
May it break up the marriage? Yeah, but if she has this little respect for him I don’t see it going the distance either.
As for the child – I don’t say that she would be inherently a bad mother – good people make pretty dumb choices, but the fact she consideres this a moral dilemma makes me worry more. She is mistaking her own convenience (and cowardice) for a moral choice. Still, she could be a great parent and I think choosing whether to keep the baby is a side issue to actually deciding whether to tell hubby or not. Frankly, aborting so as not to have to tell hubby strikes me as another form of disrespect and cowardice.
GrowlyCub
November 28
1:29 pm
I completely agree with Teddypig. It would be much more humane for this kid never to be born. S/he is not wanted and wouldn’t have a good life in that situation.
It would be much more of a ‘punishment’ for the kid to have to suffer that kind of family situation. That woman isn’t suddenly going to become an exemplary parent just because she’d have a kid, just the opposite. She’d probably resent the kid for life for ‘messing up’ her life!
I always wonder when folks think adoption is a good alternative to abortion. Every single adopted person I know personally has/had issues with feeling they weren’t wanted by their birth parents, wondered what was wrong with them that their birth parents didn’t want them, upset their adoptive parents with their insistence to want to know their birth parents, all of which negatively influenced their self-worth and the course of their life.
Certainly, once a child is born adoption is preferable to an orphanage, but the clump of cells is much better off not developing into a child who can feel unwanted, resented and/or be abused.
Shiloh Walker
November 28
2:54 pm
I’d say if she really loved her husband, she shouldn’t have messed around.
But people do make mistakes. Provided this affair was a one time thing, I’d say her best bet would be to come clean with her spouse and make sure he understands she’s sorry and let him take it from there.
But there would be a good chance he wouldn’t want to raise another man’s child-so there is a risk. However, she can’t expect good things if she continues with a lie. Imagine the heartbreak that would come later if it came to pass the husband found out some other way about the affair and they realized the child wasn’t his.
That way, both the husband and the child would be hurt.
Karen Scott
November 28
3:43 pm
But aren’t we in the danger of equating a selfish act such as infidelity, with bad parenting? With the divorce rate at nearly 50%, and quite a few people citing infidelity as the main reason for separation, isn’t that a dangerous assumption to make?
I simply don’t buy that being unfaithful necessarily means that you’re going to be a bad parent.
Shiloh Walker
November 28
4:25 pm
A bad spouse doesn’t equal a bad parent. I’ve seen too many who are lousy spouses and no way in hell would I want to married to them, but as a parent, they are excellent.
In regards to adopting a child out/aborting~I’ve also worked with a great number of people who were adopted as a kid. Yes, some have issues, but quite a few were very well adjusted and I’d say they were much happier that they were adopted out rather than aborted.
I’d think this issue has too many nuances to offer a simple answer, because any individual in this situation will react/act as an individual. If it’s a woman who made a mistake and DOES regret it, because that does from time to time happen, it’s a totally different situation from a woman who doesn’t really care if she’s been unfaithful, so long as she isn’t caught.
kirsten saell
November 28
4:27 pm
“She does not want the marriage and she does not want the pregnancy and she does not sound very responsible or mature.”
Um, going just by what’s posted here, she *does* want the marriage, and it doesn’t say anything about her not wanting the pregnancy. And it didn’t say she didn’t practice safe sex. A woman can be as careful as anything–including doubling up on BC methods–and still end up pregnant. And where does it say she does not want the baby? What if she really wants a child? What if she knows her husband would want one?
An affair is a bit different than a one night stand. If it was a one-time mistake that was never to be repeated (ie, you felt so guilty, you knew you would NEVER do it again), and unless there was an issue like STIs that your partner should know about, I would always advise not telling. One mistake shouldn’t ruin a marriage, but it can. Not everyone agrees with me, but I’ve seen what happens when a wronged spouse cannot get over a mistake that will never be repeated. And so you all know, I was married for 15 years to a largely undeserving jerk, and despite copious opportunities, I never cheated.
To be honest, I would have to know more about the husband to make a judgement on whether she should come clean. How is he likely to react? Will the knowledge destroy him, or is he strong enough to get past the betrayal without jumping off a building or something. And I would want to know more about the reasons she had the affair–was she feeling neglected because her husband works 14 hours a day, or is she just self-centered? It isn’t always the latter. Just because we know she had an affair, should we assume that he’s entirely blameless and perfect?
And yeah, if we equated infidelity with bad parenting, CPS would be a lot busier than they are. A person can be a complete moron in one aspect of their lives and perfectly fine in others.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not sure. I certainly don’t have enough information to make a proper judgement, but if I were to put myself and my ex in place of this woman and her husband, I would advise her to dump the husband and run off with the player, even if he never changes a single diaper. She’d be better off…
katiebabs
November 28
4:30 pm
This actually happened to someone I know. She had an affair with a co-worker and found out she was pregnant, told the husband and he wanted to work things out even though they found out later the guy she had an affair with was the father. She was so overcome with guilt that she couldn’t keep the affair a secret.
Now 3 years later, unfortunately, she is divorced from her husband and with the lover and their child, supposedly happy.
Tuscan Capo
November 28
5:03 pm
I think whether she’d tell or not depends on the kind of relationship she has with her husband to begin with. Was their’s one of those “open marriage” situations? If so, his reaction might not be so bad. Was he so ancient he couldn’t get it up, and just maybe subconsciously she had the affair just to get pregnant? All marriages are unique, so I’d say the woman would have to take a good hard look at all the components of the relationship with her husband so she can make the wisest decision.
Even if abortion had been brought into the original question, I agree that an act of infidelity doesn’t mean a person is too irresponsible to be a good parent. Abortion should be a choice left to the woman, and social pressure that would guilt a woman into thinking she’s too incompetent after an affair to raise a child strikes me is as much pious B.S. as any fire & brimstone church doctrine.
Treva Harte
November 28
5:17 pm
She needs to know more about herself before she can decide. If she loved her husband, why did she risk her marriage? What must she do to make sure the marriage will be more stable in the future? If she wants the baby, what is she prepared to do to give the baby what it needs? And, come to think of it, how secret is this affair? What is she prepared to do if everyone finds out? This is someone who hasn’t thought out her actions ahead of time. If she can think things through she may come to the decision that’s best for as many people as possible. It sounds like she isn’t there yet.
West
November 28
8:36 pm
Coming clean generally only hurts the wronged party. Cheaters come clean because of the guilt, and they are hoping for absolution. If she really wants the kid, and the marriage, she should keep her trap shut, and stop fucking around. The real question here is how much does she really want the marriage. Why was she cheating? Was she unhappy? Was she emotionally unfufilled? Did she consider leaving her husband for this man before she realised he wasn’t daddy material? Does she really want to be married to her husband, or does she just not want to be alone?
joanne
November 28
9:33 pm
Would anyone be suggesting an abortion if it were the husband that was an unfaithful bubblehead? I know he doesn’t carry the child, but would anyone suggest that he try to convince his wife to abort because a child deserves a better father?
I think she should own up to it, beg for forgiveness, and take whatever lumps the husband dishes out (not physical, of course). If he wants to stay together, they should get counselling. If he doesn’t, she should get counselling. If she doesn’t feel the she’s emotionally equipped to raise a child on her own, she should give it up for adoption.
Dee Tenorio
November 28
11:22 pm
I’m mostly just disturbed by the number of people offering up abortion as a way to just wash her hands of the whole situation. Like that’s not a whole pot of possible guilt or resentment all by itself.
There’s just not enough info to make a truly informed decision. But if this is all there is to go on, if she truly wants to fix her marriage, she needs to fess up and build her marriage on honesty and truth. Otherwise, the second things don’t go well, she’ll be back to turning to other people and will never trust her husband as she should. Not to mention dirty secrets like that might not always get out, but they always have an effect.
Teddypig
November 28
11:49 pm
But aren’t we in the danger of equating a selfish act such as infidelity, with bad parenting? With the divorce rate at nearly 50%, and quite a few people citing infidelity as the main reason for separation, isn’t that a dangerous assumption to make?
Um I am personally equating immaturity with immaturity here.
You have an affair while you are married you are acting out a situation that can only rationally cause it to end. You are not trustworthy, you could care the hell less who is hurt.
Quit justifying crappy behavior or infidelity as a “mistake”. You chose to have sex with someone not your husband. You cannot accidentally do that.
Would this person be a bad parent? Well, they are not working out so hot at being a wife first are they?
I was raised by two people who were way way way too immature to have kids and spent a ton of money working that out in therapy.
kirsten saell
November 29
12:21 am
Yeah, but Teddy, when you think about your childhood and ask yourself, “Would I rather have never been born?” do you actually answer “yes”?
Or if you ask yourself “If I were a woman and knew I would be an immature parent, would I feel totally fine with aborting my child?” is the answer an emphatic “yes”?
I would never advise anyone to have an abortion (or criticize someone for chosing to have one, for that matter). It’s never a “good” solution, even when it’s the only reasonable one.
GrowlyCub
November 29
12:31 am
Abortion is not a way for her to wash her hands of the situation, it’s a way to keep an innocent from being raised by a person who couldn’t even commit herself to a spouse. How would one expect her to put a child first? People who lie and cheat (and put themselves first) don’t stop just because they have the responsibility for a kid all of a sudden. At least the husband can up and walk away, a kid wouldn’t have that choice!
Karen Scott
November 29
12:46 am
Growlycub, I still maintain that having an affair doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes her a cheating and lying cow, but it doesn’t point to her behaving the same way towards her child.
I am totally pro choice, but I find it difficult to see abortion as an easy way out.
GrowlyCub
November 29
12:46 am
“Or if you ask yourself “If I were a woman and knew I would be an immature parent, would I feel totally fine with aborting my child?” is the answer an emphatic “yes”?”
She’s responsible for her actions, she doesn’t get a clean conscience magically. How clear would her conscience be if she lied to her kid and her husband for the next 50 years?
Naturally, abortion is never a good solution, but in this situation I think about what’s best for the potential kid, not for her! A kid should not be made to suffer life-long just so she doesn’t have to feel the guilt of aborting it. She should have thought about that before she decided to cheat on her husband.
I might go along with the idea of not telling the husband, if it were just about the infidelity, because as West said, confession may be good for the soul of the offender, but rarely does anything nice for the offendee.
However, I find the idea of keeping the fact that the kid he thinks is his may not be from him outright despicable. If that’s the dilemma aka she’s seriously considering not coming clean and claiming the kid is her husbands, then I have enough information to come to the conclusion I came to.
Teddypig
November 29
12:50 am
Yeah, but Teddy, when you think about your childhood and ask yourself, “Would I rather have never been born?” do you actually answer “yes”?
Kirsten, obviously now I am functional. I can’t think of much worse things than my childhood. The suicidal set of grandparents on one side the prescription drug addicted set on the other with the violent mood swings. My dads constant drinking problems and my mothers career which was way more important than her kids or the fact I almost raised my two little brothers by myself.
The point is not did I make it through OK… if your question is would I rather not have gone through that shit to begin with the answer is resoundingly YES!
GrowlyCub
November 29
12:54 am
Karen, it’s not the fact that she cheated on her husband so much, but that she’s even thinking about putting a cuckoo in her husband’s nest. That does not speak of maturity, responsibility and the willingness to do the hard thing if it’s in the best interest of somebody besides herself.
I feel if you become a parent you have to be willing to put the best interest of the child FIRST, always (didn’t we talk about that on the Michelle Obama thread). She seems to be a woman who is not willing to put anybody but herself first and that’s what I base my impression on that she’d be a horrible parent. Certainly, it would helpful to know more, but from what you wrote about, she’d rather be with the player, but she doesn’t think he’s daddy material, so now she wants to save her marriage, so she has a guy to provide for her. I’m sure you can read the above and come to a different conclusion, but that’s just happens to be the one I came to.
West
November 29
1:52 am
Kirsten,
I’m with Teddy here. I was an unwanted child, and I grew up in absolute misery. And my answer is the same as Teddy’s- I absolutely would have preferred my parents never had me than live like I did growing up (have your parents tell you they wish they’d had a miscarriage with you like they did the baby before you, and see how freakin’ happy you are).
Abortion sometimes is the *good* solution. When you don’t want a child or can’t care for a child, then not having the child is the best option. I would feel far worse having a child and giving it up to system that doesn’t work than I would not having the child at all.
Teddypig
November 29
2:03 am
Abortion sometimes is the *good* solution.
Actually I think the BEST solution is a condom.
I am totally amazed at people having pregnancy surprises when HIV/AIDS is a far worse surprise.
But obviously we are talking deep deep amounts of stupidity here.
GrowlyCub
November 29
2:03 am
Yeah, nothing like being told you ruined your mother’s life and being resented for existing (I’m the product of a coitus interruptus). But I was the lucky one, she told my brother that he was responsible for her developing cancer because he was such a horrible kid and upset her so much.
Some people absolutely aren’t meant to be parents and a lot of other ones ought not to have kids either.
Maddie
November 29
2:07 am
Sorry Karen but I have to disagree, having an affair does make you a bad parent because you are putting your children’s future at risk —- shuffling from household to household every other weekend, knowing that the parent who had the affair put his or her own happiness ahead of theirs, a parent that does this is the first person in that childs life to break their heart.
If she “loved” her hubby she would not had the affair in the first place and with a person that she knew was a player speaks a lot about her that she is willing to risk every thing for some one who more than likely will run when he knows she is free and clear.
Plus she has already lied to her hubby crapped on her vows and now she wants to pull a MauryP on him is downright nasty.
She should woman up and tell and let the her hubby decides what he would like to do with this info, because the choices that she made with their marriage really did include her husband at all.
She made the choice to cheat he should make the choice to stay married to her.
Maddie
November 29
2:14 am
“Abortion sometimes is the *good* solution”
Your kidding right this statement above is shocking and sick!!!!
I think the best solution is keeping your legs close if you do not have a rubber or maybe using both a rubber and birth control such as the pill or patch.
You don’t use abortion as a birth control method, this is what is wrong with this world we live in….
Don’t like your spouse leave them
Don’t like the fact that your pregnant and not married
get it taken care of….
GrowlyCub
November 29
2:22 am
Maddie,
you may think it sick, but I’d much rather read about women having an abortion than them or their boyfriends microwaving their kids, drowning them, slitting their throats, shaking them to death, putting out cigarettes on them, making them drunk or high on meth before they are 2 years old. A clump of cells doesn’t have consciousness, a child does.
Definitely, making sure you don’t get accidentally pregnant is the ideal, but after the kid is conceived occasionally being born is worse than not being born.
West
November 29
2:29 am
Let me be clear here. Safe sex should be practiced, absolutely! There are many other risks besides pregnancy, as Teddy pointed out. And abortion SHOULD NOT be a first line method of birth control. It should be a last resort. However…
People can get pregnant, even with extreme methods of birth control. One of my closest friends got pregnant using condoms, while on the pill. It can and does happen. And when that happened to her, abortion was her option, because she didn’t want the baby. She shouldn’t have to give up a fufilling sex life because birth control failed. If it happens again, she will get her tubes tied. She will NOT keep doing this. But she does take precautions. Shit happens.
But I NEVER said abortion should be a method of birth control. But in this situation, we don’t even know what the method of birth control was.
Maddie
November 29
2:52 am
Growly and why does this happen because the cycle continues women looking for the love that they did not get as a kid or growing up in a dysfunctional family environment so what do they do go out and get pregnant by the first guy that shows them anything positive so they can give the love that they did not have to their kids or letting the boyfriend abused the kids.
Not to be crude but how about teaching kids to keep their legs close all together instill they are married.
And lets not say wow your asking the impossible.
How about teaching kids their own self worth and that it does not come from the opposite sex.
Having some guy tell you he wants you to be his baby momma is not a compliment.
West
November 29
3:05 am
Maddie, not everyone believes in marriage. No one should have to wait until marriage if it’s not what they believe. They need to be taught safe sex and birth control, but like I said earlier, it sometimes happens anyway. That’s when they get to make what should be an informed decision about what’s best for both them and the baby.
No, teen girls should not be getting pregnant by the first guy who’s nice to them. No, having some guy tell you he “wants you to be his baby momma” is not a compliment. But people have sex for many reasons, not just low self esteem, a lack of self worth, or feeling like their only worth is in sex. Many people, like my friend, are adults, who are in relationships, or even just attracted to the person. They have the right to engage in sex if that’s what they want. They should be smart about it, but it’s their right.
And also, in response to what you said to Karen, no having an affair does not make you a bad parent. It makes you a bad spouse. But parents should not stay together if they are unhappy just because of the kids. My parents did this, and we wish they would have gotten divorced. It would have been much better than growing up with parents who hated each other. Cheating or divorce does not make a bad parent.
GrowlyCub
November 29
3:33 am
“cycle continues women looking for the love that they did not get as a kid or growing up in a dysfunctional family environment”
So how can you maintain that it wouldn’t have been better for these folks not to have been born, if they couldn’t have a functional family? You proved my point.
“Not to be crude but how about teaching kids to keep their legs close all together”
And who is going to do that? Their parents who don’t give a flip about them, who resent them for having been born at all, who didn’t use birth control themselves?
GrowlyCub
November 29
3:37 am
Btw, 20/20 is just now broadcasting a program on failed adoptions in the U.S.
Maddie
November 29
3:48 am
So your solution is to kill them all didn’t the germans try something like this in ww2
My point is to teach people that they have value in themselves and it that value does not come from having some one else validate you.
I doubt that most of the parent will do this since they haven’t got a clue but it can be taught in school at church even in some after school clubs.
It has to start some where some people who grew up in crappy household did looked around and knew that there was some thing more than being an unwed mom but most of those kids had some one in their corner from the get go.
@ West yes I know not everyone believes in marriage (I’m one of them) I thinks it great for some but not for me.
“Many people, like my friend, are adults, who are in relationships, or even just attracted to the person.
They have the right to engage in sex if that’s what they want. They should be smart about it, but it’s their right.”
Yes its their right but they also have to think of the “what if I get pregnant? what it this great looking guy has a STD that either kills me or shortens my life span or its a gift that keeps on giving, that is what happens when you have sex just for the attraction sake because.
Just because you can have sex does not mean you have too.
West
November 29
4:11 am
Maddie, I don’t believe any one here has said to kill them all, and being compared to the Nazis is really offensive. We are simply pointing out that if a child isn’t wanted, and the mother believes in abortion, then it’s often the best choice.
Yes, some unwanted children grow up and break the cycle. Some don’t. But it’s an individual’s choice whether they want to bring a child into the world, and both the child and themselves need to be considered.
So what? Are you celibate because you don’t believe in marriage? You are advocating teaching abstinence, but acknowledge that marriage doesn’t work for you? Sounds like a double standard to me. I don’t believe in marriage, either. But your comment was “teach them to keep their legs closed until marriage”. And yes, like I said, safe sex should be practiced. But shit happens, and that’s why people fought for the right to have an abortion. People should not have to live in celibacy because birth control might fail. Some people don’t want a commitment. They would rather keep it casual than do something they don’t like, or lie to someone, and risk hurting them. So should they never be allowed to have sex? No. That’s ridiculous. They should be smart about it, and that’s why I fully support fact-based sex ed, but it’s their choice.
Sparky
November 29
12:22 pm
“My point is to teach people that they have value in themselves and it that value does not come from having some one else validate you.”
I would say that understanding your own value also means valuing every part of yourself – including your own healthy, natural and normal sexuality and sexual expression. I don’t think abstinence education (along with its gross failure rate) teaches that important fact
kirsten saell
November 29
8:34 pm
West said: “Abortion sometimes is the *good* solution. When you don’t want a child or can’t care for a child, then not having the child is the best option.”
Even when it’s the best solution, I still don’t consider it a *good* one. It comes at an emotional and physical cost that many don’t consider until after the fact. Even coming from a pro-choice position, I honestly do not feel it is ever a good choice, even when it’s the only one you can make.
Teddy said: “Actually I think the BEST solution is a condom.
I am totally amazed at people having pregnancy surprises when HIV/AIDS is a far worse surprise.”
I am constantly amazed by the number of supposedly intelligent people who believe a condom offers total protection from pregnancy. It is roughly 80% effective. That means that out of one hundred women using condoms *properly* for one year, 20 will get pregnant. Both my sisters got pregnant (at age 37 and 38, if you’ll believe), despite using condoms, and in both cases nothing tore, leaked or slipped.
And yes, there are some kids out there who would be better off having never been born–at least, not being born into the families they were–but it’s a stretch to claim that every woman who has an affair (even with a player) is going to be an emotionally abusive parent who tells her kids she hates them and burns them with cigarettes. None of us have perfect parents. There’s a big difference between bad parents and heinous ones. Is this woman destined to be a passive-agressive mother whose punishments are sometimes more commensurate with the time of the month than the severity of the crime and who would rather go out and party on Fridays than have board game night with the kids, or the one who sits and drinks while a string of boyfriends abuse her kids? There isn’t enough information here to predict which one she’ll be.
Teddypig
November 30
12:49 pm
I am constantly amazed by the number of supposedly intelligent people who believe a condom offers total protection from pregnancy. It is roughly 80% effective. That means that out of one hundred women using condoms *properly* for one year, 20 will get pregnant. Both my sisters got pregnant (at age 37 and 38, if you’ll believe), despite using condoms, and in both cases nothing tore, leaked or slipped.
What the hell were they using? It must not not have been latex then…
The breakage rate for condoms is two out of 100. Of every 100 couples who use condoms incorrectly and inconsistently, 14 will experience a pregnancy during the first year of use. Of every 100 couples who use condoms correctly and consistently, only three will experience a pregnancy.
AztecLady
November 30
3:43 pm
(I was about to go off in a rant about abortion, unwanted pregnancies that are not terminated, neglected, abused and often tortured and killed babies and children, etc. Since it would be a loooooooooooooooong comment, I’ll stick to the moral dilemma at hand.)
Going only by the facts given, but extrapolating through my own experience, I do believe this woman would be a bad mother. Perhaps not a terrible mother, but definitely not one to put the child first.
Why? Because it appears she is considering foisting the child on her husband without full disclosure. If the child turns out to be her lover’s, chances are the first medical emergency (mild or not) would open that can of worms. Can you imagine what it would do to both husband and child to learn this that way? Way to *love* her husband, and way to saddle the poor kid with severe trust issues.
If nothing else, that makes her bad mother material in my mind.
kirsten saell
November 30
9:46 pm
“What the hell were they using? It must not not have been latex then…”
Of course they were using latex, Teddy. One of them was using a latex condom in conjunction with spermicidal foam. I myself got pregnant with my third child while using the contraceptive sponge-AND he pulled out before ejaculation. I have also gotten pregnant while on the pill. And yes, I always follow the directions.
But then, my mother managed to get pregnant on the first try four times with only one ovary. And I still have nightmares about my OBGYN’s assertion that despite my tubal, there is still a 3 in a thousand chance of getting pregnant. Knowing my family, I could statistically be all three of those women…
I also have a friend from highschool who married a man who has a sperm count in the tens–they have four children, and never had to “try” to get pregnant. Fertility rates among women vary widely. Sometimes all you need is one swimmer to get through, and you’re boned.
GrowlyCub
November 30
11:45 pm
Yeah. Condom inefficacy is kind of scary to think about when one considers that sperm’s quite a bit bigger than the AIDS virus and other STD causing agents.
Some more on contraceptive efficacy or lack thereof: one of my stepdaughters has three kids, the first one despite the pill, the second despite the patch and the third despite condoms.
She wanted to have her tubes tied after the second but for some idiotic reason they didn’t do it then.
She’s finally ‘fixed’ and very happy about it.
I wanted my tubes tied from my late teens, but since I hadn’t born a child and ‘would probably change my mind’, I was refused time and again. I never quite understood why I had to have a kid to be able not to have kids!
I’m 37 and never had the slightest inclination to procreate, biological clock all nice and silent, no fuzzy feelings when I see a baby, but give me a kitten any day and I’ll go ‘awwww’… 🙂
West
December 1
12:36 am
Growly, I’m with you. I want my tubes tied, but I’m only 27, so I’ll “probably change my mind” (which is also ridiculous, because even if I did, the new tubals are easily reversed). It’s infurating to be told I don’t really know what I want. That’s why I always use two forms of birth control, but if I were to get pregnant, abortion would be my option. I’ve been lucky that the precautions have always worked, but if I ever have to go through that, I figure it might change their minds about “fixing” me. Hopefully, it will never come to that, and around 35 I can talk them into doing it anyway.
Spending a couple hours with my neice really drives home how much I don’t want kids. I’ll take my kitty any day.