I trust you all had a lovely Christmas Day? Jolly good.
Now here’s the simple scenario for this week’s moral dilemma, since it’s Christmas and all:
You’re walking along one day, when you spot your best friend’s boyfriend in a clinch with a woman who isn’t your best friend. Your best friend is madly in love with this guy, and thinks that he walks on water, so much so, that it’s put a bit of a strain on your own relationship with her. You’re afraid that she may think that you’re just jealous, if you accuse him of cheating on her, because as far as she’s concerned, he’s the perfect boyfriend.
So, what do you do? Do you tell her about it or not?
Kay Webb Harrison
December 26
10:34 am
You use your handy-dandy camera phone to take a picture of the boyfriend in flagrante delicto–or even better a video. Then you gently break the news to your friend, with the evidence to back you up. If she rejects you for him, tell her that you will be available when she needs you, and remain as loving and supportive as you can; but wait for her to contact you.
Kay
Felicia
December 26
1:38 pm
I’ve been in this situation and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’d choose him over me. This was in the day before camera phones, so it would have been my word against his. After much, much, soul searching and deliberation, I chose not to tell her and prayed she’d use the brains God gave her and wise up (she’s an incredibly intelligent woman).
Thankfully, she did come to her senses. Not long after, we were drinking to her returned sanity and I told her. She asked why I hadn’t told her at the time, so I told her that I feared I’d lose her as a friend. To which she said probably would have happened.
We’re still friends (almost 30 years now) and I’m happy to say that she’s married to an absolutely wonderful man who treats her like the fabulous woman she is. 🙂
Fae Sutherland
December 26
2:11 pm
In these handy dandy days of camera phones, I’d snap a pic and tell her. Even if I couldn’t get a pic, I’d still tell her, describe what he was wearing, the person he was with, etc, in the hopes that enough details would make her *think* for a second and realize i wouldn’t lie about something so serious.
If it cost our friendship, so be it, but I’ve known too many cheaters in my life to not say anything.
MB (Leah)
December 26
2:47 pm
Tell her. And tell her that even if you loose her as a friend, you’ll be there.
Being cheated on is bad. But someone walking around with the whole world knowing the truth, while that person is clueless, would be even more humiliating in my book. At least if she knows then she has the choice to stay or not. If she doesn’t know, that choice is taken away.
Dorothy Mantooth
December 26
2:59 pm
I’d make sure HE knows I saw him, and see if he tells her first. If not, then yeah, I’d tell her.
Jenn
December 26
3:52 pm
I agree I would have to tell her, there is nothing worse then having the one you love betray you. I agree also with Dorothy not only would I snap pics, I would so say something to him. I might loose a friend temporarily, but if it saved her a lifetime of heartache it would be well worth the time we spent apart.
West
December 26
4:44 pm
I’d tell her- after I confronted him and gave him 24 hours to do it himself. That’s the agreement my best friend and I have. And yeah, take pictures if you’ve got the option. Then, sit her down, face to face, armed with chocolate, booze, and the photos, and tell her the truth. Be prepared to offer her love, comfort and a possible alibi. Cause that’s what best friends do.
Las
December 26
5:28 pm
No, I absolutely would not tell her, not under those (or frankly, most) circumstances. There are very few women in my own family whom I would tell. There’s a whole lot of cultural baggage involved in my decision that I’d have to start my own blog to get into, so let me just say that in my experience, most woman, no matter how close you are to them, will either not believe you at all and accuse you of trying to start shit, or believe you, but forgive the guy anyway because she’s stupid, and I’d still look like an asshole. Not that I’d care, because I’d have lost all respect for her for forgiving him anyway. So I’d rather just keep my mouth shut instead of losing a friend.
Now, [i]I[/i] would want to know, and I’ve made it very clear to close friends and family that they better damn well tell me if they ever know of something like that, under any circumstances. I refuse to be made a fool of in that way. (Again, cultural baggage. Lots and LOTS of cultural baggage.)
Janice
December 26
5:36 pm
I would have to tell her. I’ve already gone through something like this – speaking up even though I knew she didn’t want to hear it. Basically I hated my best friend’s boyfriend, he was emotionally abusive. I told her so, every time I talked to her and heard what new thing he’d done, and while she would hear me, she’d get this weird frozen smile like she knew she was doing something dumb but couldn’t help herself. Long story short, the their relationship eventually ended. He was cheating on her too. From that experience, I know – no matter what, she will let me say what I had to say, but maybe not follow my advice. All I can do is be there. I think it helped to know that someone else knew what was going on and didn’t think it was right, someone who was on HER side. We’re still best friends, and she’s with a good guy now.
Julia
December 26
6:15 pm
I’m with Dorothy Mantooth: I’d talk with him about it first.
Rhiannon Frater
December 26
9:27 pm
In this age of AIDS and the increasing number of people with STDS, I would definitely tell. I would try to snap a pic with my phone, but even if I couldn’t, I would still tell. Even if she hated my guts after I told her, I would be glad I did it. Because at least after knowing the truth she would be making choices about her own personal health and safety based on the reality of the situation and not the fantasy.
I know this sounds really harsh, but after watching a friend die of AIDS and watching other friends panic over possible infection from cheating partners, I just can’t keep my mouth shut.
K. Z. Snow
December 26
10:49 pm
Definitely tell her. Silence would only subject this friend to more of the same crap (or worse), maybe indefinitely. I’d feel like a piss-poor excuse for a pal if my reticence prolonged the boyfriend’s duplicity and resulted in any unpleasant consequences.
What the friend does with information is, of course, up to her, but at least she’d have the information.
katieM
December 27
3:07 am
First, I would take a picture or video, then I’d walk up to them and just say hi. Next, I’d head to the nearest public library, get a quick hotmail account and anonymously sent it to her. I would never tell her to her face because a woman – all women in fact – would trust the man first. Even if she saw it with her own eyes, she might not believe it or she’d believe the other woman had somehow led him on. BTW, he’d know that I sent the picture, but what’s he going to say? And, I’d deny all knowledge until long after the breakup. I’d just be her non-judgmental friend.
Mireya
December 27
3:32 am
I probably wouldn’t, but I would also start cutting ties with her. First, as Las said, where I come from, the scenarios are exactly the sort that she described. I’ve seen it happen over and over again with former friends. Second, chances are that I would stand in front of him, say something really nasty in front of the woman he’s making out with. That would put him on the alert, and a sleaze like that would certainly end up concocting a lie, and I would end up losing the friendship anyway.
Sadly, I have to admit that I don’t have a lot of respect for the mindset of the culture I come from … suffice it to say, I married someone from a different country (and culture).
Eve Vaughn
December 27
3:45 am
Thanks God for camera phones because I’d take a pic of the bum for proof. This is one of those things that you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you tell your friend could get angry at you. If you don’t she’ll get angry when she finds out you knew all along. So I’d tell.
Shiloh Walker
December 27
5:40 am
I’d tell-I’d figure out the most diplomatic way possible to do it, but I’d tell.
While I’ve never been directly involved in a relationship with a cheater (thank God-and the DH knows I’d kill him…), I’ve bit hit from the sidelines. There’s no way I could keep quiet.
Hope everybody had a merry Christmas!
Anne Brighton
December 27
4:51 pm
No, I would not tell her. Been there/done that and lost a friend of over twenty years. She didn’t want to know what the bastard was doing. I think in her heart she suspected but had the notion that what she didn’t know for a fact couldn’t hurt her. She called me everything but a white woman for tattling on him and hasn’t spoken to me since. She accused me of trying to break up their marriage so I could have the bum.
They are still married and he cheats on her every time he goes out of town on his business trips. He’s been seen doing this by co-workers but no one wants to tell his wife because she wouldn’t believe them. Since his boss usually accompanies him on these little extracurricular activities, it’s joked of in the office that he has a license to fuck whatever moves.
Before you tell the woman, think long and hard. It’s a bad situation because sometimes it’s a situation of being damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You have your friend’s best interests at heart but it doesn’t always follow that they will appreciate what you have to say. Sometimes keeping your nose out of their business is the best way to go.
Karen Scott
December 27
5:24 pm
Anne, I have to agree with you totally.
Telling a friend, may seem like the honourable thing to do, but in my experience, it usually always backfires on the friend doing the telling.
I experienced a similar dilemma a few years ago, when the boyfriend of a friend of mine was having an affair. I saw the rat bastard and a woman together, but I had no solid proof, (he even had previous, so it wasn’t like it hadn’t happened before) and I told my friend. Now whilst she didn’t accuse me of having less than honourable intentions, it did change the fabric of our relationship, and she still ended up staying with the guy.
He also cheated on her whilst she was pregnant, and a couple of years ago, apparently she found at that he was seeing two other women at the same. I knew that our relationship had changed beyond recognition, because I found out via a mutual friend, and she’d had no intention of ever telling me about it, probably for fear that I’d sit in judgement of her for taking him back.
Years later, they are still together, and my trying to do the right thing, ultimately put more strain on my relationship with her.
If I could have a do-over, I’d keep my trap shut, because in all honesty, my friend wasn’t really interested in having her rose-tinted glasses shattered, and I suspect that that would be the case with many women.
MB (Leah)
December 27
6:14 pm
Years later, they are still together, and my trying to do the right thing, ultimately put more strain on my relationship with her.
Here’s the thing that I find curious in this though, what kind of friend is she really that she would think you so awful for trying to be a friend. Is that the kind of person worth to have as a friend? Because is shows that she doesn’t have your back.
To me, friends stick together even when hard stuff goes between them and forgive each other. Or they really aren’t friend material to begin with.
I know many women don’t want to look at the truth and in most cases blame the woman who is trying to help instead of the asshole they are with. But I guess I’d rather loose a friend who would think so ill of me for trying to be nice and not forgiving me for making a mistake that she didn’t want to hear the truth. While that’s a person I can still love, it’s not a person I can still respect, so better to loose them as a friend then keep a lie going.
Maybe I’m just a hard person for feeling like that, I don’t know.
Anne Brighton
December 27
8:34 pm
But I guess I’d rather loose a friend who would think so ill of me for trying to be nice and not forgiving me for making a mistake that she didn’t want to hear the truth.
No man is worth losing your friendship over. If he’s the kind who is a repeat cheater he isn’t worth the spit it takes to shower him. I’d rather have my friendship back because you know what? He thinks it’s hilarious that he managed to ruin that friendship without ‘so much as raising a finger’. In essence, he won.
And don’t think for a moment that your friend won’t find out sooner or later what the prick is doing and to whom. Someone else is bound to tell her or she’ll catch him or she already knows. If she knew…or suspected before you told her…she most likely didn’t want her nose rubbed in it. By you bringing it up, that’s what you were doing though you have the best of intentions. She needed someone to blame and you were it.
As for respecting her, don’t condemn or judge until you have been in her shoes. You might have been through this and know how it feels but if you haven’t, until it’s you, how can you really say what you will do for sure? You think you know but you might not. Hell, you might even Bobbitize him for all you know!
Come to think of it, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. 😉
Jenn
December 28
12:27 am
This spoke to me because I have a friend I have avoided for awhile. Only to converse with her through emails. Her husband has been having an affair with a woman who works with an agency I deal with. She has attended my friends daughters’ weddings and other occasions. She brags at work to other employees of what he buys her and where they go when he is supposedly traveling for work. My friend even talked of getting a part time job to help pay for her daughters wedding (when her hubby is spending money on the other woman)I tried to get my friend to go with her husband on more of his travels with him. I have wobbled between telling her and not telling her. Both of her chidlren are adults now but I am afraid it will ruin out friendship though as I write this I know it has already been ruined because I cannot look her in the eye. What if something tragic results from telling her.
Anon76
December 28
7:21 pm
The thing is, if you can’t tell your bff this, then you are not truly friends, merely acquaintances who share a long term relationship with common interests.
I’d never forgive a friend that close if she DIDN’T tell me. The trust between us would be as broken as the trust with the perp.
Randi
December 29
8:08 pm
I’m with Anon76. If my friend(s) DIDN’T tell me, there would be serious hell to pay. And I would most definitely tell my friend(s). I must be pretty lucky because I cannot see any of my friends, male or female, making it my fault that their SO cheated. My question to those above thread who suggested that their female friend would accuse them of wanting said cheating SO…what’s that all about? Do women really go around trying to steal each other’s SOs? And really, would you want a guy who did cheat? And if you’ve been really vocal about your distaste of cheating SO, WHY would she think you would want him? Color me confused…
Las
December 29
11:22 pm
It’s such a cultural thing, though. In a great many parts of the world there is the ingrained belief that “if you dump a man for cheating, you will die single.”* Hell, it’s really not that unusual in the West, they just put a prettier face on it. Look at the Brad/Jen/Angelina mess. How many discussions have you seen online, and the focus is ALWAYS on how Angelina STOLE Brad (a grown FUCKING man) from Jen, rather than on how Bad broke his wedding vows. It’s the same thing.
Someone also brought up the excellent point that most times, the woman knows or at least seriously suspects that her man is cheating, but prefers to pretend that all is right in her relationship. Because even though she’ll never admit to feeling this way, that’s just what men do, and if he’s otherwise a good man and is discreet, she’s willing to turn a blind eye.
*That’s actually a direct (translated) quote from a local spanish-language male radio host, and his female co-host didn’t argue the point. The discussion was about how long will you put up with your man cheating before dumping him. Not, will you dump your man for cheating, but, how often before you do. Women called in, and the general consensus was that as long as it doesn’t get to the point where he’s being “disrespectful,” and as long as he doesn’t have any other faults, there’s no point in leaving. I’m not making this up. You should hear some of stories I’ve heard at the salon, or even some of the bullshit that’s gone on in my own family. It’s a big, diversely fucked up world out there.