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The Best Complaint Letter Ever…

Thursday, January 29, 2009
Posted in: It Takes All Sorts

This was a letter received by Virgin Atlantic’s customer complaints team.

“Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:


I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:


I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:


Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation:


It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:


I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:


Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincerely…”

I swear, few people can manage cutting sarcasm quite like us Brits. Heheh.

Apparently, Richard Branson, being the good sport that he is, offered him a job as food taster for Virgin. *G*


  • I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.



  • Dawn
    January 29
    11:18 am

    That’s just the funniest ever! I just loved way he kept saying “Richard”, like he was sitting having a chat.

    I myself love Virgin, but I hope that I never have to travel to Mumbai and be presented with that.

    I’m still sniggering about the “crime scene cookie”.


  • Emmy
    January 29
    12:02 pm

    It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing

    was giggling up to this part, but the tears started flowing after I read that. teh funny!


  • It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING.

    I haven’t stopped laughing yet. What a brilliant complaint letter.


  • Anon76
    January 29
    2:13 pm

    Oh, Karen, thank you sooooo much for sharing that. That’s the best laugh I’ve had in a long, long time.


  • Anon76
    January 29
    2:24 pm

    Oh, but it gets even better. I clicked on the link provided and began reading the comments portion.

    It seems that we in Romancelandia aren’t the only ones who constantly deal with people who just don’t get “good snark”.

    The writer’s brains, humor, true experience, motive, spelling, comma usage, and what not, have all been critiqued.

    Geesh, people. Lighten up.


  • OMG I can’t stop laughing!!!!!!


  • Priceless. Thanks, I needed that laugh today!


  • Alisha Rai
    January 29
    3:40 pm

    I’ve never recieved the evidence bag cookie. I’m jealous. LOVE this.


  • LMAO


  • Oh dear… and I thought I’d had bad experiences myself…


  • Louise van Hine
    January 29
    5:30 pm

    “It’s mustard, Richard. Mustard.” The Christmas morning extended metaphor was priceless. This needs to go viral. I have tears streaming down my face.


  • Jigisha
    January 30
    4:02 am

    This is hilarious, and not that untrue! The one and only time my parents flew Virgin was last year when they were coming to New York to visit me, and they had a horrendous experience! Missed connecting flights, horrible, horrible assistance at the airport, and they held up my dad’s flight for THREE hours for one individual! But even they didn’t receive the evidence bag cookie or mustard for dinner 😉


  • Hilarious! I can’t stop laughing. I can barely type this!

    Thanks for sharing.


  • […] fun: Karen Scott posts the best complaint letter ever. Ewww is all I have to […]

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