This week’s dilemma is as follows:
You and your hubby have been married for five years, and you’re both very happy.
One day an old male friend walks back into your life (Let’s call him James). You were best friends in college, and except for one drunken one night stand, when you were feeling depressed over breaking up with a boy you were seeing, the relationship wasn’t sexual. You’ve missed him in your life, and you’re pleased that he’s back.
You tell your husband about James, (without mentioning the one-night stand) but he’s not too pleased. He does however, agree to have him over to the house for dinner.
Throughout the dinner, hubby acts in a jealous manner, and is obviously very uncomfortable with James. You try to include him in as much of the conversation as possible, but he’s not interested in being nice.
After James leaves, hubby lays down the law, and tells you that he doesn’t want you to see him anymore.
What do you do? Do you tell him no, and stay in an active friendship with James, knowing that A), it may cause a strain in your marriage, and B) you’ll have to keep the two of them separate, or do you respect your hubby’s feelings on the matter, and stop seeing him?
What would you do?
(By the way, whilst looking for an appropriate jealousy-related image, I noticed that the majority of the images depicted two women, and one man. The implication being that it’s mostly women who get jealous of other women, and that men don’t get jealous of other men perhaps?)
Venus Vaughn
May 22
10:07 am
I’d talk with my husband about what the problem is. Does he not trust me? Does he not trust James? What’s at the heart of the matter? Is it that I’m not “allowed” to have male friends? Once that’s determined, that will inform my response.
It might be that hubby and I need to head to counseling. As we’re working it out though, I wouldn’t see James. Trust, once broken, is nigh impossible to get back. So no James for me. But still, wth is hubby’s problem?
Mireya
May 22
11:36 am
If he has never before shown jealousy, I would have a good talk with him to try and find out what exactly is rubbing him the wrong way re: James.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
11:48 am
I find that the problem with your Dilemma questions, Karen, is you often say things like “And you’re so happy everything is perfect tralala” and then give a scenario that is so out of character for the groundwork you just laid. You say we’re very happy in our marriage but a person in a happy, secure marriage doesn’t get batshit jealous over an old friend and a happy, secure person doesn’t try to dictate to their partner what they can and cannot do like a controlling freak (i.e ‘laying down the law’ please, buddy, you’re no law, certainly not mine).
In this case, I’d have to say James is *obviously* not very happy in our marriage, because he’s irrationally afraid of it ending. That’d be where I’d focus the majority of my energy, on finding out why he feels that way and how to fix that.
Las
May 22
12:37 pm
I’m with Fae. Obviously, something is very wrong for a man to be so damn jealous of a friend right off the bat. I can’t imagine that everything had been so happy and perfect up to that point, so I’d probably would have ended the marriage (actually, probably would have ended it before it got to marriage) before the friend showed up. I have very little tolerance for that kind of bullshit.
Now, if James was an ex-boyfriend and the husband was uncomfortable with me being friends with him, I would respect that. Unless he tried to “lay down the law.” I’m not having that.
Karen Scott
May 22
1:11 pm
By your logic, one assumes that people who end up divorcing were never happy in the marriage.
Karen Scott
May 22
1:17 pm
Disintegration of a marriage has to start somewhere does it not?
I think people who get married, are normally happy, until they aren’t.
Sounds simple, but the rot generally has to start somewhere. Sometimes it’s before the marriage, sometimes it happens during the marriage.
That’s logical I think.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
1:19 pm
No, by my logic someone who’s happy in their marriage would know they have no reason to be jealous, nor would someone happy in their marriage try to ‘lay down the law’ to their wife like she were a piece of property.
You can’t have it both ways, either the couple in question is ‘very happy’ as you say, or they’re not, and the rabid jealous reaction and attempt to assert dictatorial control completely unprovoked points towards not. I never said they were *never* happy, but it’s pretty obvious at least one of them is not happy now.
Karen Scott
May 22
1:30 pm
OK, so what if those behaviours exhibited by the hubby have only come to light because this is the first time he’s felt a threat – no matter how insignificant we may think it is – to his marriage?
I’ll go back to what I said above, people who are happy, are happy until they aren’t.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
1:37 pm
Then in my opinion he only *appeared* happy, which is not the same thing as actually being happy. A person happy in their marriage is secure. He’s not secure. hence, to me, he only appeared to be happy. Whether he always felt that way or not, whether there were things under the surface causing the doubts I obviously don’t know. What I do know is happy, secure people don’t behave that way. Jealous, insecure people do.
Karen Scott
May 22
1:55 pm
You see, now for me that’s not necessarily true. It has been known for secure people to become insecure, who’s to say that he didn’t catch a vibe between the two of them?
I think I’m secure in my marriage, but I suspect that would change rapidly if I caught vibes between hubby and an acquaintance.
Also, this DF is told from the viewpoint of the woman, so as far she’s concerned, they are happy, and she has no designs on the friend.
There’s nothing to say that the friend feels the same way.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
2:01 pm
But it says that he was already acting jealous (the “none too pleased” bit) before he ever sees them together. And if this is told from the woman’s pov and she has no designs on the friend, there ought to be no ‘vibes’ to pick up on from her just talking about a dear friend who happens to be male.
If the jealousy had started after the dinner, then I could maybe buy that he picked up on some vibes from the friend and is uncomfortable because of that. But it started before he met the friend or saw the friend and his wife together. I still wouldn’t condone any ‘laying down the law’ behavior nor any attempts to control who the woman is friends with, though. But that’s less ‘insecure and unhappy’ as it is ‘guy’s having a knee-jerk douche reaction and will probably talk reason in the morning.’
Karen Scott
May 22
2:10 pm
I still say that it’s possible to be happy, until something trips your trigger as it were. Having to deal with somebody from her past may have been that trigger.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
2:13 pm
Eh, I guess that’s where we agree to disagree then lol. I think that indicates serious underlying trust issues which goes back to the whole “appears to be happy =/= actually happy” thing.
If nothing else, your DM questions usually make me think, which is good. 🙂
Anon76
May 22
2:19 pm
I wouldn’t see the guy any more. Why? Because I respect my hubby and I’d hope he’d respect my wishes if the tables were turned. He is my mate, after all.
While everyone is hypothesizing that perhaps the hubby has been unhappy for a while, I present another option to chew on. It is quite possible that wifey talked often of this old friend when she first met hubby. Even if she never mentioned the one-night stand, she may have brought his name up regularly when speaking of places she’d been, while showing old photos, and the like.
Obviously she enjoyed spending time with the guy, and those harmless comments long ago could have set up the jealousy thing over this one particular person. Irrational though it may seem, it’s quite common.
Shiloh Walker
May 22
2:19 pm
If I’m very happy in my marriage, and if I feel my husband is also happy, I’m not going to do anything to jeopardize it.
I’d talk it over with him and try to see just why he’s uncomfortable with things AND I’d try to place myself in his shoes. Just because the DH doesn’t know about the one nighter doesn’t mean he doesn’t suspect and I know I’d be very leery about things if some woman he had a relationship with in the past suddenly sauntered back into his life.
My marriage is hugely important in my life and protecting it is of mega-importance.
Shiloh Walker
May 22
2:22 pm
Gotta disagree. I’m not insecure about my relationship with my DH. I’m happy with him. I’m cool with it if he has female friends. But if there are females that I suspect he might have had stronger feelings for in the past, I’m not going to be okay with that. I’m just not, and I wouldn’t ask it of him, either.
Fae Sutherland
May 22
2:28 pm
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being leery. My main problem with this scenario is the *way* the husband reacts. There’s no discussion, there’s no explaining of why he feels this way and no meeting of the minds to determine a solution that makes everyone happy.
It’s a demand, an order if you will, a laying down of the husband’s law and forbidding the woman to ever see her friend again. That’s okay with you? That’s the behavior of a happy, secure person? I don’t think it is. It’s not that he’s concerned, it’s that he’s attempting to assert dictatorial control with no discussion or seeming care for his wife’s feelings or needs. It’s all him and that’s not a happy, healthy marriage, imo.
Venus Vaughn
May 22
2:38 pm
I have to back up Fae’s POV. Happy and secure men don’t act like asshats because someone of the opposite sex knows their wife. There’s got to be something else going on there.
Which is why I would start with talking to my husband to find out wth this attitude is all about. Yes, unhappiness and dissatisfaction starts somewhere, and maybe this is where it starts–but it’s unrealistic to expect a wife to cut all former ties or never have a male friend –so he’d better explain where this is coming from.
SarahT
May 22
2:44 pm
If this was a friend I hadn’t seen for years anyway, I probably wouldn’t rock the boat with my husband over it. That said, I’d make clear to him that his behaviour was not acceptable.
Actually, I can’t see my own husband acting like this. He’s not really the jealous type and neither am I. He has several female friends and I can quite honestly say I don’t feel threatened by them. If he didn’t feel attracted to them in the last 20 years, why would he now? I’d probably be more wary of a new female friend, IYKWIM.
That said, a couple of my Facebook friends are exes, including the guy I first slept with. I haven’t gone out of my way to point out which ones they are to my husband!
MB (Leah)
May 22
3:00 pm
I see both Fae and Karen’s POV in this. I think if a person is secure and OK with themselves and their life, then they’re not going to be so threatened to the point of forbidding their partner to have contact with a person who is just a “friend” up until that point.
But I also think that two people can be very happy together and then just one thing out of the blue can trigger some old insecurity in one of them causing such a reaction.
Honestly though, if I were that woman and my husband had shown no signs of irrational jealousy before that, then I would seriously start wondering what’s really going on and talk to him to see what’s really going on.
What I would never tolerate though, no matter how much I love someone, is to be forbidden to do something. Nope, no way. Especially if I’m not guilty of any wrong doing.
I’m afraid that this would seriously be my trigger for some unhappiness in my marriage. Because if it’s irrational on his part, as it is in this case because the woman says he’s just an old friend, and I OBEY him and not have contact to keep the status quo in my marriage, then what comes next? If I let him rule me with his irrational fears, who’s to say that he won’t start questioning every time I look at a man passing by?
But first I would have a serious sit down with my husband to see what the heck is going on and not just say OK, I won’t talk to him again.
Las
May 22
3:06 pm
Sure, but it extreme reaction for the start of it. Which is why I maintain that the husband must have exhibited some issues before this.
It’s the “lays down the law” bit that has my back up. My instinctual response to that type of behavior is always, “Fuck you, asshole.” If he had just calmly said that he was uncomfortable with the friendship I’d respect that and limit it to occasional emails and stuff, no matter how silly I think he’s being. But the fact that he not only is being a bit irrational but is also giving me orders…I’m not having it.
ETA: Pretty much exactly what MB said.
Shiloh Walker
May 22
3:19 pm
In the heat of the moment, it’s probably exactly how I’d react if the situation were reversed-I’m hotheaded. It doesn’t mean our marriage isn’t secure-it’s just how I am.
That’s just me. That is why when I posted my own viewpoint on how I’d react, I said I’d discuss it with him and try to see why he felt that way.
If he’s got legit concerns-namely, he picked up on something between us or he sensed something, then yes, I’d be willing to let go of the friendship with the other guy, especially if he could see that I don’t appreciate being ordered into anything.
If he’s having a moment of insecurity ~I suspect we all have those, no matter how strong a relationship is~ then I’d talk it over and see if I couldn’t reassure him.
But I wouldn’t let some past relationship interfere with a happy marriage.
MB/Leah had an excellent point when she said:
Because my thoughts here are that he sensed something. And my thoughts are also that the wife wasn’t being completely honest.
If my husband had a friend that, even for one night, was *more* than a friend and then she waltzed back into his life, me never knowing about that one night, and then I pick up on something, yes, I’m going to react in a less than nice manner. I’d probably issue some orders and ultimatums on my own, especially in the heat of the moment.
There was some dishonesty on the wife’s part for not being completely open, the way I see it. If the husband picked up on something there, I’d say he’s got some reasons for acting like a jerk and yes, I’d take a leap of faith and see if there wasn’t some underlying reason. If he’s somebody that really does love me, and I really love him, he is worth it.
But then again, I also don’t think I would have hidden the one-nighter from him, because if the marriage is that secure, I should have taken the leap of faith first, and if I didn’t, I deserve some flack from him for not having that faith to begin with.
Marianne McA
May 22
3:36 pm
I’d have a huge row with him. Wouldn’t matter what he was laying down the law about – just the fact that he’s presuming to tell me what to do, rather than ask me, would push all my buttons.
Also, I think the jealousy itself would enrage me further: I’d an occasionally jealous boyfriend when I was young and I felt his jealousy as an insult – as if he suspected I was untrustworthy.
And obviously, there’d be the awareness at the back of my mind that husbands often control their wives’ friendships in abusive relationships.
So, at that moment, I’m exploding.
Next day, I hope we’d talk it through and see what sparked the incident off. But I’d come to that discussion with the attitude that my husband was asking something totally unreasonable, and that it would be foolish to allow him to manipulate me that way – so his explanation would need to be really good, if it was to convince me not to see my friend again.
(I might then choose not to see my friend again so as not to hurt my husband, but not if there was any chance that my husband would interpret it as a tacit agreement that he had the right to veto my friendships.)
MB (Leah)
May 22
3:48 pm
That’s an interesting point. The fact that she didn’t mention it says two things:
Either James was really just a friend whom she enjoyed and has never had nor does she now have any romantic interest in, so it’s a non issue and she really thinks it’s not worth bringing up.
Or, her husband has shown signs of being irrationally jealous in the past and she didn’t mention it because she knew deep down that he would have this reaction and wanting to keep James’ friendship, she omitted that fact.
Maybe it’s not that her husband is pissed off because of her relationship with James, but more that he senses that she’s hiding something even if it is nothing really to her.
I know in my case, I’m way more pissed off and get insecure when I feel a partner hiding something. More so than finding out the thing they are hiding. I can deal with it if a partner tells me they are having an email exchange with an old girlfriend or friend and will take their word for it that nothing is going on, unless…I find out surreptitiously or by accident without them having shared with me, what they are doing.
That, is way more unforgivable for me. The hiding and being sneaky. And it will cause a lot of insecurity in me because then I don’t know what I’m dealing with.
Shiloh Walker
May 22
4:03 pm
*G* Or you could look at it like… if it’s a nonissue and James doesn’t mean *that* to her, shouldn’t she be cool with telling her husband? If James doesn’t mean that to her, there’s no reason the DH shouldn’t know. I’d look at it that her hiding it means that maybe James means more to her than she understands.
Shiloh Walker
May 22
4:04 pm
Forgot…meant to hit this, too. That is exactly how I would feel. Him not telling me would hurt, a lot, and finding out in another way is going to make me act in a less than desirable manner, so I can understand a guy doing the same.
Las
May 22
4:27 pm
Nah, i think telling makes it a bigger issue than it is. But I’m not one who needs to know the entire sexual history of my partner, and I’d be wary of a man who needed to know mine (no matter how tame–it’s the principle!). If it had been an ongoing sexual relationship, then yes, keeping quiet is kinds of shady. But a one night stand isn’t an issue.
sallahdog
May 22
4:28 pm
bottom line for me, I wouldnt want my hubby seeing, without me, and old girlfriend, so why would I expect him to be all hunky dory with it..
Billy Graham (a preacher I respect) was asked how he resisted temptation to cheat all those years.. he said, easy, he was never alone with another woman. I think if you value your marriage, its not such a bad tact to take..
Its not just a matter of trust, its a matter of limiting the temptations… We have a full and varied social life, I just don’t hang out with guys without my husband and he gives me the same respect… Of course he has never laid down the law either, its just a matter of mutual respect..
MB (Leah)
May 22
4:33 pm
Well yes. Me, based solely on my own marriage, I would have mentioned it. But then again, I don’t have a ragingly jealous husband and I can share everything with him without worrying that he’s going to jump down my throat or leave me.
This leads me to believe then that maybe the wife here felt that her DH would be jealous so she hid it.
Still though, this kind of brings up how much we really need to share with a current partner about our pasts.
If this were reversed and I found out after the fact that my husband had a one night thing with this friend, I probably wouldn’t have a cow over it if currently I feel nothing is going on.
We all have pasts and I don’t want to hear all the nitty gritty details of my husband’s past loves. I only want to know that he cares about me at this moment and if I do, then I don’t bother about old girlfriends or friends who show up.
On the other hand, if I’m not feeling so secure to begin with then this could be a big issue.
What I wouldn’t do is “lay down the law,” or give ultimatums. I would talk with my DH and honestly ask him what’s going on and do I need to worry. Simply. Ordering someone to not do something is not the way to go at any rate.
Anon76
May 22
5:29 pm
I’m still rocking on the same lines as Shiloh.
I don’t find the hubby to be irrational in this case, if A) he is not the controlling sort, and B) everything seems to have been going good for all those years.
Add in my scenario of the wifey at the beginning of dating hubby bringing up this guy, then yeah, if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d be wary too.
What I give that hubster the most credit for was being wary, but still letting the guy come to dinner. That’s not domination. He gave it a shot.
In this scenario as posed, I’m thinking he picked up some vibes from the other guy. Like, dang, I really should have married this woman myself. Wifey could very well be oblivious to that, but as a spouse myself, I pick up on when another woman is a little too nicey nice to my hubster.
My hubster has female friends, and I have male ones. But the too nicey nice sorts have been weeded out. That’s not “laying down the law”, that is taking care of your marraige.
Amarinda Jones
May 22
6:55 pm
I would have to wonder how happy a marriage is – or how secure – if a husband gets jealous over a man from the past. I would be having a talk with him about that. Would I keep seeing the friend? Depends what came out of the talk – most likely yes. People get married but that doesn’t mean they have to accept someone dictating terms of who they can and cannot see.
Tuscan Capo
May 22
7:17 pm
If the shoe were on the foot, I can’t see the guy asking over the old college chum(mette) for dinner if his wife seems one bit uncomfortable about it. Why do that to her? She’s the one he’s married to and whose feelings should come first.
willaful
May 22
8:52 pm
I agree that avoiding temptation is (at least one) key to staying faithful. I always think that letting yourself get into a situation where you might possibly stray is pretty much giving yourself permission in advance to do it.
I don’t know how I feel about this one, my husband is so not the jealous type I can’t even picture it. I think I would talk with him and try to understand where the problem lay and see if we could set some boundaries that would make it work.
Las
May 22
9:54 pm
I just can’t get over the weirdness of the husband having a problem with the old friend from the get, before even meeting him. That, to me, makes it pretty clear that there have been serious control and jealousy in the past. James is not an ex-boyfriend–the husband’s concern might be understandable then. He’s someone who was a good friend to the wife once upon a time and as far as hubby knows there was nothing romantic or sexual between them. Why the concern?
Nonny
May 22
11:03 pm
I’m in a poly relationship, so I don’t see this likely to ever happen (my husband and boyfriend are best friends), but if it theoretically did…
There would have to be a damn good reason besides “I’m jealous.” “I think this person is hurting you, and you don’t realize it” is a good reason, provided there is ample evidence in favor. Jealousy is not.
If it’s a “I feel like you spend more time with him than me”… that’s reasonable, unless it’s an extreme. If I am spending more time with the friend, I would expect my partners to be upset. I would be if they were choosing to spend all their time with someone else.
But the whole “I’m jealous and thus I don’t want you to spend time with your friend” smacks of control issues to me. That’s a dealbreaker for me. I won’t tolerate being told who I can and cannot spend my time with. Particularly since that is commonly a first step toward an abusive relationship (cutting off contact with friends).
Louise van Hine
May 23
12:37 am
First off let me say I think it’s a realistic scenario. If the marriage hasn’t gone through a “revealing of the exes” stage yet, this may trigger it, which can be an important stage of extending and receiving trust. But in this case, clearly the “revealing of the exes” stage hasn’t happened. A little late with 5 years of marriage already gone by, but not unrealistic. But my POV is, a marriage license is not a purchase and sale agreement and it does not include veto power over friendships – I think it includes veto power over intimate (i.e. sexual) relationships and an expectation of private matters remaining private between the couple, but platonic opposite sex friendships? Nope. And if he can’t get past it, it’s time for HIM to go get some counsling for being a control freak.
Sandra Cormier
May 23
3:27 am
Such a scenario doesn’t just pop out of the blue. The husband must exhibit some jealous behaviour beforehand. Perhaps the silent treatment after wife glances at a passing man, or maybe an argument about a perceived slight.
The confrontation would have to be a long, simmering resentment coming to a head, with strong feelings on both sides. As a wife, I would recommend that the husband seek counseling or pack his bags, especially if the latest altercation is the last of a long string of them.
If it isn’t nipped in the bud, the string will extend for many years. Life’s too short for such nonsense. Trust is the key, and if the husband doesn’t trust the wife, there’s no point in walking on thin ice every day to appease him, or to bang your head against the wall trying to change his view.
sallahdog
May 23
3:44 am
I am wondering, and no one has to answer. but those who object to the hubby objecting to this guy..how long have you been married and is this your first marriage?
I see a lot of my friends who get tweeked if they feel their husband is trying to “control” them.. they are often on second and third marriages though..
I have been married for a couple of decades now to the same guy. He doesn’t control me, but he has in the past expressed issues with some male (and a few female) friends. Certainly not all of them, but in most cases, it turned out he had good reasons for being suspicious (I am the naive one in our relationship)…
I guess my take on the situation is because I look at it from the lenses of my own marriage. My husband rarely
“lays down the law”, but when he has, he has had good reason, and I tend to trust his instincts about people and situations… which is why his reacting this way wouldn’t piss me off…
Also.the other guy is someone who hasn’t been in the picture for a long time..It wouldn’t break my heart to lose that friendship…whereas my husband is my life partner, and we have a lot of history together. That I wouldn’t want to lose or screw up for an ex…
Sandra Cormier
May 23
3:59 am
We’ll be celebrating our 25th Anniversary this summer. I have learned to fix what is broken, not to ignore it in hopes that it will go away. I’m glad I did.
just, sigh...
May 23
4:19 am
Know what I think? He’s cheating. It’s fairly common for cheaters to suddenly either make huge efforts to be affectionate and emotiononally/sexually available to their spouse when they cheat, or to start projecting their issues onto the wronged spouse and acting like they’re the ones who’re cheating.
Perfectly happy marriage, and now he’s all jealous over nothing? He’s the one who’s poaching outside the fence.
Louise van Hine
May 23
9:26 am
I was married 13 years and divorced for much, much longer. Jealousy on his part was not an issue. I was a lot younger and had a couple of jealous episodes myself when a college girl tried to catch his eye in a course we were both taking. My remedy for that, though, was to ask him to make it clear to her that he wasn’t available – and to wear his wedding ring. But this was a clear case of someone coming on to him. Neither of us would have attempted to prevent the other from seeing opposite sex friends. Our problems lay in other directions.
Shiloh Walker
May 23
1:33 pm
Yep, that’s my viewpoint.
One thing that caught my notice-a lot of the people who seem to think the husband is the bad guy are coming to the conclusion that the husband has displayed jealous behavior before.
That’s not a conclusion I drew-husbands that are extremely jealous can be very hard to be happy with. All we’re told is that they’ve been married five years and are very happy. So I’m assuming jealousy isn’t an issue.
This is a huge part of why I wouldn’t take the guy’s head off for getting jealous over a guy I had a thing with before in the past. One night, long term, it doesn’t matter-the encounter happened and I’m planning on putting my husband-the person who matters the most to me, in a room with this other guy-a guy who at one time mattered a great deal to me.
Thinking the husband would never guess is rather naive, IMO. Men aren’t stupid-women tend to be good at picking up vibes, guys can do the same.
If the friend doesn’t matter on that level, then I’d don’t see the issue in the telling the DH-if for no other reason than things like that have a way of coming out on their own, usually at the worst time. I’ll be damned if I look like I’m trying to hide something, especially something like that.
I’m operating on the level that the husband isn’t a jealous sort, and then some guy waltzes back into the wife’s life. The husband realizes there was more between the wife and the friend than he thought-the friend could very well be giving on vibes that the husband recognizes even if the wife doesn’t.
Does he need to control her? No. But he is human and when he’s feeling hurt, he’s going to act the way a lot of us when we’re hurt…and that’s not very well.
If they have had a happy marriage with no problems-and that’s the conclusion I came to-doing something to damage that marriage without even trying to understand why the husband went off half-cocked rather leads me to believe the wife may not value the marriage as much as she should. He’s her partner-he should have faith in her, yes, but she should also have faith in him and if he’s acting like an ass, there may well be reasons. She owes it to their marriage to find out what they are.
Marianne McA
May 23
10:27 pm
Only marriage, and twenty three years. Might be to do with my real marriage – I come from a matriarchal family, where my mum – while always respecting my dad – is the stronger character. My husband comes from a very patriarchal family – and my perception is that it was stupidly patriarchal – even when his dad was unemployed, and his mum was the breadwinner, his dad wouldn’t cook, for instance, because that was woman’s work.
(And I know it’s more complicated than that, and his self-esteem was battered by not finding work, and he perhaps would have been humiliated to do housework – but my dad was so unlike that.)
But dh’s dad did (does) lay down the law for his family, and expected to be obeyed, and that was the norm, I think, for his community at that time. And sometimes, because that’s what my dh knew as a child, he – without running it past his brain – assumes he can do the same.
And I, coming from a family where everything was discussed and negotiated, find that incomprehensible and unacceptable.
So, you’re right, my actual experience of marriage would influence my feelings about this scenario – I know that in real life, I won’t have my husband laying down the law to me, and that I always fight my corner on that – so I assumed that in this fictional case, I’d do the same.