This week’s dilemma is as follows:
You’ve been dating a guy for just over a year, and you’re very much in love with him. He finally asks you to marry him, and you’re ecstatic. He then tells you that he had an irreversible vasectomy a few years ago, which means that you have no chance of having kids of your own. You’re devastated because you desperately want children.
What do you do? Do you stay with him, and look at other options like adoption, or do you leave him, due to your desperate desire to have a child of your own?
What would you do?
Tuscan Capo
May 29
8:23 am
Gee, thanks Karen, I’ll never need a vasectomy after seeing that ‘toon! My balls just crawled into my liver.
Fae Sutherland
May 29
8:41 am
Vasectomies are very much reversible, with a fairly decent success rate. The problem is more that he clearly means it when he says he doesn’t want kids, so whether you would be willing to adopt is irrelevant, you have a guy on your hands who doesn’t want to be a parent, while you desperately do.
No can work. Unless the guy has changed some fundamental thinking in the past couple of years (because a vasectomy is not something you do on a whim, he had to have a very strong conviction that he never wanted to breed), he’s not going to suddenly want to be a daddy. While it’s possible he might change his mind, one should not go into a marriage without figuring out what is and is not a dealbreaker.
I think the issue is not the vasectomy, which likely could be reversed, but the psychology behind why he got the vasectomy. Someone who truly doesn’t want to be a parent absolutely cannot have a successful marriage with someone who desperately wants to be. This is not “Do we live in Dallas or in Boston?” or even “He’s Catholic, I’m Jewish.” The desire to have kids and the equally strong desire not to have them do not co-exist successfully. Either one person ends up compromising what they want, and everyone suffers, or they end up breaking up because the resentment on either side becomes too much.
I’d say that couple should cut their losses now and go their separate ways. Staying in it any longer is just asking for more heartache in the end.
Marianne McA
May 29
8:48 am
Why did he have the irreversible vasectomy?
Because if we both want a family, we can at least look at all sorts of options – fostering, adoption, sperm donation – but if I want a family, and he really doesn’t, that would be a huge decision to make.
So has he had a vasectomy because he doesn’t want children in his life, or is there some other reason, like to prevent passing on some inherited condition?
If my husband had been infertile, I’d have married him regardless, but I’m less sure I’d have married him if he just didn’t want a family.
Amarinda Jones
May 29
9:57 am
“you’re very much in love with him.”
I stay with him because I love the man and we can look at other options. Too few people find the love of their life and to throw that away on something that may be less than perfect or just plain wrong to have a child is insane.
Teddypig
May 29
10:44 am
In all that time before the proposal, and I would have to assume you guys were having sex, you never once talked about accidents that might happen or having kids?
I am gay and I even had that conversation with my other half because I don’t want kids but I do know guys that do.
Emmy
May 29
11:16 am
Vascectomy is likely reversible, but obviously the guy doesn’t want kids, so why would he reverse? Adoption might be a possibility here.
Why did it take a whole year and a proposal to get around to talking about whether kids were an option or not???
joanne
May 29
11:37 am
If they’ve been together for over a year and he didn’t tell her until after the engagement, they’ve got more problems than just whether or not to have children. Obviously, he kept this info from her. There’s a lack of trust there that dooms this relationship from the start, kids or not.
MB (Leah)
May 29
1:44 pm
I’m with all of those who are questioning the whole year without knowing or discussing birth control or kids. Seriously? And it’s huge that he waited until after asking her to marry him. WTF? That in itself is questionable behavior for me.
But OK just taking this question based strictly as stated. If I wanted kids that bad, this might be a deal breaker. I’d probably let it go for the moment, meaning not just walk out straight away, but discuss what his true feelings are about being a father and raising kids because that might have changed for him.
Tracy S
May 29
1:58 pm
The bigger issue here is that he didn’t tell her about the vasectomy. A year together and kids never came up? This isn’t something he thought she should know BEFORE proposing?
Also, what others have mentioned~if he had the v. because he does not want kids EVER then that is a huge problem. Someone who desperately wants kids and someone who desperately doesn’t does not a good relationship make. If he had the V. to avoid passing on some genetic condition but he does want kids, well that’s different. But, I still struggle with the whole year and not telling her until AFTER he proposes.
Anon76
May 29
2:23 pm
This couple doesn’t know enough about each other to go the wedding route at this point. It’s time to do some jet cooling and have some long discussions. It’ll save a lot of heartbreak in the long run (though, sadly, heartbreak is already occurring.)
It also seems this guy is dead set against having children no matter the reason. Otherwise he would have broached the other alternatives, such as adoption.
As a woman who has never deviated from the fact I didn’t want kids, I doubt highly that this guy will ever change his mind, and to marry him in the hopes you might effect a change is reckless.
Coco
May 29
3:31 pm
I have to agree that the bigger problem is that the subject of the vas., children, the eventual future of the relationship never came up in the year prior to the engagement.
However, I’m going to answer in the spirit of my own experience, in that when I first met my husband, he did not want children, or even marriage, and I very much did. I loved him and I felt that I had to make a decision whether or not that love was enough for me regardless of if we ever got married or had kids.
My choice was him, any way I could get him, because he, the person, meant more to me than the abstract ideas of weddings and babies even though I wanted those things. Of course in my case, things did change several years in, and we’re now married and parents, but I had to accept that it might not have worked out that way or move on.
That’s how I see this scenario. The guy seems like he is not interested in having kids, and that would be what needs to be discussed/made peace with before I would marry him. If in my heart, I couldn’t accept the probable outcome of never having children, then no, this would not be the guy for me. Sometimes people’s minds change, but you shouldn’t bank on “changing” them.
Karen Scott
May 29
3:45 pm
Sorry TC, the pic tickled my somewhat sick funnybone.
AztecLady
May 29
4:16 pm
The picture made me wince, the first comment made me smile–Karen’s comment made me lol.
Thank you both–it’s a great way to start the weekend!
Dee Tenorio
May 29
6:10 pm
I’m not sure if I want to show pic to hubby because it’s funny or not because he can’t even SAY vasectomy without immediately uttering, “NO!”. I’ll let you know what I decide, lol.
SarahT
May 29
7:25 pm
The picture made me laugh! I definitely won’t show it to my husband, though, unless I want to be responsible for contraception until the menopause.
As for the dilemma: this is a difficult one. If he’s “The One” in every other respect, I’d have to weigh up the strength of my love against my wish to have children. I honestly don’t know what I’d do. I always knew I wanted kids at some stage. Thankfully, my husband felt the same, and we were fortunate enough to be able to have them.
This is changing the dilemma a bit but what would you do if his infertility was due to natural causes and not a conscious decision on his part? If a guy you were dating told you he was infertile, not something which could be “fixed” by a vasectomy reversal? If this were the case, I’d be much more inclined to stay with him, even though the possibility of having children would be even more remote.
Nonny
May 30
4:44 am
I’m childfree, so it would be a bonus. 😛
Shiloh Walker
May 30
1:43 pm
Geez, I dunno. I’m leaning towards not marrying him, especially any time soon, just because a year is an awful long time for them to go without discussing something like that. If he’s deadset against having kids (and that’s what I’m thinking), then I just don’t know if I could be happy with him. Since I’m already a mom, that might be coloring my opinion, but my kids have given me so much joy, I just can’t imagine not having that in my life.
Louise van Hine
May 30
3:53 pm
There’s a flaw in the logic of the question. I can speak with authority on this since I was with a partner who opted for a vasectomy after we were together and we married after the decision: vasectomy is, along with tubal ligation, a huge selling point among sexually active adults because you DON’T NEED BIRTH CONTROL. There is no way a couple that is sexually active together would fail to opt on this immensely advantageous fact – it is completely illogical for a man to conceal that and go through a relationship of a year pretending to need birth control. So – I would already know about the vasectomy long before it became a serious relationship, and if I wanted kids that badly, the unspoken question is – why date a guy so serious about not having kids that he’d get clipped? he obviously doesn’t want kids, and it’s a nonstarter for a serious relationship.
Alexandra
May 31
5:45 am
I would probably end up leaving him, because this seems to be something to be discussed *before* a proposal, and is therefore a secretive/trusting issue. This also seems to be a problem of his not wanting children, and my wanting children, which is often an unsolvable problem and therefore a huge deal breaker.