I stole this Dilemma Friday from the Creole In DC blog:
You’re divorced, and your hubby has re-married. You have children together, and you retain a good co-parenting relationship.
You and his wife get on well enough, and you don’t have a problem with her.
During a family celebration, you overhear your ex’s wife talking about something that happened when they first started dating. You realise that the wife thinks that you were legally separated at the time. In actual fact you weren’t. You also recall that your husband was always travelling, supposedly for work. You realise now that he was really going to see her.
This happened more than ten years ago, but you still feel a little hurt, because he was obviously lying to both of you the whole time.
What do you do? Do you A, confront your ex about his lying, B, do you tell his new wife about his lies, or C, do you leave it alone seeing as it was over ten years ago?
Heather Holland
July 31
12:15 pm
Well, confronting him might make you feel better for a spell, that is until you have to face him while dropping kids off or picking them up or at a kid’s b-day party, which would only cause tension and make things harder for all involved.
You could go to the new wife, but she might think you’re jealous or just trying to cause trouble. Then there’d be a rift between the two of you and the husband when she tells him what you did/said. Again causing tension and making things harder for you and possibly the kids.
Ignoring is probably the best bet, though I sure would have a great deal of fun doing terrible things to his sorry, lying and cheating ass in a book I was writing. But that’s just me.
Personally, I have two exs and I could care less what they do or did. Most of the time, I do my best to not even think about them, despite having kids together. It’s in the past and nothing will change it. Water under the bridge.
Teddypig
July 31
12:18 pm
Are you still angry? It’s been ten years and he did end up marrying the person he was cheating on you with.
See I don’t think the current wife would thank you for pointing this out in public even now BUT that does not mean if you really get along with her you can’t go to her privately and mention you had over heard her talking to friends and just wanted to remind her the date of your actual divorce decree in case the kids were to happen to over hear anything you know how kids are blah blah blah.
sallahdog
July 31
12:18 pm
I would leave it alone, because nothing is served. Lets face it,although you had no given reason for the divorce, something went wrong with the marriage… Maybe you didn’t know that he was fooling around on you, but something went bad, either with my end, his, or both…
I would think about the fact that all we share now is kids, and those kids don’t need a crap storm raised.. I would probably just file it away in the file, “Ahh, now it all makes sense>”
Maili
July 31
1:03 pm
No, because children’s welfare comes first. It’s in the past, so let the sleeping dogs lie. Besides, it’s something he has to live with, so let him sleep with the hidden guilt.
MB (Leah)
July 31
1:09 pm
I’d feel very lucky that I haven’t been with this loser for the last 10 years.
I wouldn’t bother to say anything. Story is long over.
Karen Scott
July 31
1:55 pm
I should make these DFs two-parters, the first being what you should do, and the second being what you would actually do.
I don’t believe any of you would keep stum by the way, human nature being what it is, because in that moment, clear thinking may very well elude you.:)
Christine Rimmer
July 31
2:09 pm
I would know I should keep quiet–re sallahdog, who I think is becoming my Friday Dilemma hero. And I actually would. After ten years, it’s just none of my business. Actually, it would be none of my business as soon as the ex and I were divorced.
I’ve been married twice–both longterm marriages. I’m still in the second one and plan to stay. I have a child with my first husband. For about three years after the breakup, I had anger and issues with him. Maybe, if this dilemma came up during that time, I might have blown it wide open and caused pain for everyone to no real benefit for anyone. But after three years or so, I just felt a certain tenderness for my ex. And a little bit of sadness that things didn’t work out.
As has been said, if I’m going postal over something a guy I’m not with anymore did ten years ago, I’m the one with the problem.
Janean
July 31
2:22 pm
I can’t imagine that this would actually come as a surprise to me. I would have suspected he was probably cheating if he was “always traveling” toward the end of our marriage and he had a new wife that quickly after our divorce.
If it was ten whole years later I just don’t see myself reacting that emotionally to confirmation of something that had to at least be a possibility in the back of my mind anyway.
I might say something to my ex about it just to make him nervous about whether I would tell the new wife or not, but after that I think I’d see it as “no longer my problem”.
Jenns
July 31
2:24 pm
Okay. I have to be honest.
I would certainly try not to say anything, but knowing myself, it would probably come out.
By then I don’t think it would be because I wasn’t over him, and I doubt it would be about jealousy.
It would be about the principal of the matter.
The act (so to speak) may be history, but it would still be news to me. It would still be a betrayal.
I’m not saying I’m proud of it, but I doubt I could keep it in.
West
July 31
2:34 pm
I would hope I could just leave it alone.
My question is- if I’m still angry after ten years, why isn’t my ass in therapy?
Karen Scott
July 31
2:40 pm
I think you could double the time span, and I’d still say something. It may not necessarily be in anger, but I would definitely let him know that I know what he did. It’s like if you found out that a friend had dated your ex, but you didn’t know at the time and you found out ten years later. I’d sure bring it up. I’m too curious a person to bottle that kind of info inside and not try to find out the details.
Fae Sutherland
July 31
2:41 pm
I’d leave it alone. If he’s an ex, he’s an ex for a reason and I could care less what he does/did/doesn’t do. I would, however, have a good catty snickering with my partner about what a douche he is.
I’d also have to clarify that, in my case, there would be no children involved (thank god for tubal ligation) and hence I’d likely have zero contact with an ex after the fact. I’d have to find out some random way, like Facebook or something lol.
Edie
July 31
3:12 pm
Not too sure if I would say anything to the current partner, (though would have to bite my tongue severely) and while I would like to think I wouldn’t bring it up with the ex, I do have a temper and I am sure it would come up as soon as they peeved me off. *blush*
Christine Rimmer
July 31
3:21 pm
I swear, it wouldn’t be “bottled up.” I would talk it over with my husband, get his take, because I do believe in getting it all out with my partner. But hey. The ex married the woman he was cheating on my with. And that was then. It’s just…if I said something, it would only be a way to get revenge on an ex by not taking responsibility for my own emotions. It would be stirring the pot. I get why a person might confront him–or tell his current wife. I just think it’s irresponsible.
Anon76
July 31
3:26 pm
Hmm, based on the “should” or “would” do, it’s still a tossup.
What I “should” do is let it be. It was a long time ago and hashing it up really only hurts rather than helps.
What I “would” do? Dunno. I’d sure be pissed off, no doubt about it.
And I’d be pissed because it’s difficult in such a situation to seperate the guy you divorced at the time, from the guy you once loved enough to marry. I’d be thinking on that second guy and wondering how he could hurt me in that manner. No matter that it is all ancient history.
This is why I’m not one to buy into all that happy crap about “can’t we all just get along?” Extended family gatherings are a noxious poison just waiting to seep into your psyche when you mix in exes and the like.
While I agree that maintaining a civil relationship is essential, I don’t agree that people should continuously be shoved together to “celebrate” this, that or the other. When did it become wrong to seat exes at different tables at a wedding? When did it become wrong to have seperate birthday parties for the kids, each featuring a different side of the “extended” family? (Heck, the kids get two parties or more instead of one. I doubt you’ll see them complain.)
What is it that makes others want the seperated pairs to continue to socialize with each other as if nothing happened? To me, that is sooooooo not normal.
Christine Rimmer
July 31
3:45 pm
Anon, well maybe that’s it. On occasion, I’m around my ex–and my dh’s ex. But only for like weddings and stuff–the big, life-changing celebrations and events. Not everyday. Thank God. Maybe more issues would surface for me if I had to be around the ex constantly.
Emmy
July 31
3:50 pm
That actually DID happen to me, and over a much shorter time span. I let it go, because he’s a fucktard and so is she, so they both deserve what they have…each other.
Tracy S
July 31
3:52 pm
Honestly? I wouldn’t say anything to his current wife. No point really. To the ex? oh yeah. I know myself. I can’t keep the mouth shut about stuff like that. I’d just say that I found out and now all the traveling makes sense and leave it at that.
Myra Willingham
July 31
4:32 pm
It’s human nature to retaliate when something hurts us but two adages come to mind in this situation:
Let sleeping dogs lie and Why borrow trouble?
You wouldn’t be serving any good purpose in telling her BUT…. She might just have been telling that person what she wanted her to hear, not necessarily the truth. Few women will admit to being the other woman, the cause of a marriage breakup unless they are just plain old sluts who revel in such meanness.
As for confronting him? I would. I’d let the prick know what I thought of him cheating on me and then I’d walk away with a smile and a “I’m glad I got rid of your ass”. He thought he put something over on you. Don’t let him get away with it. Chances are, he’ll probably cheat again. They almost always do.
sallahdog
July 31
5:31 pm
I understand both sides, I truly do… I used to hold a grudge like no one else.. It came to me a few years ago though, that it hurt me a lot more than it hurt those I held onto crap with…
All confronting them would end up doing is, possibly damage his second marriage (if she didn’t know,and was hurt by it), which wouldn’t be good for my kids, because it sounds like they have a good relationship now, or make me look like a jealous bitch, and frankly after 10 years apart, I would like to think I had moved on…
I have realized that people show you who they truly are, and if I suddenly found out that he had cheated, I truly would have congratulated myself for getting out of it then… and hope for my kids sake, he doesn’t fool around on this wife…
Randi
July 31
5:39 pm
Hmmmm…I ‘should’ ignore it. What I ‘would’ do is keep the information handy and use it at some point down the road if I had to. Like say, if, the new wife decided she wanted to get into a cat fight with me; why, I’d pull that little nugget right out and voila! I win. If a scenerio never crept up where I needed to use the nugget, it would just die along with me.
JulieLeto
July 31
6:02 pm
Damn straight I’d say something. I’m just not the type to keep my mouth shut and perpetuate a lie. I would go to my ex and tell him what I overheard and ask him to come clean with his new wife–that lies like these were going to hurt everyone–most of all ME and haven’t I been hurt enough? Then I would give him time to do it. And if he didn’t, I’d likely go to his wife and as calmly as possible–and without confrontation if I could manage–explain the truth. And I’d say I’m not trying to hurt her or her relationship, but the truth is the truth.
This is almost certainly the wrong thing to do, but I’m not the kind of person who can live with keeping her mouth shut. I just can’t. It’s a curse.
Unless, maybe, he doubled my child support. 😉
Randi
July 31
7:14 pm
I should add that my own family have a slew of nuggets like this. For example, my dad gave my step-mother the ring he had initially bought for my mom (they ended up NOT getting married, thank god). To this day, my step mother has no idea about it. My mother has been nice enough, and probably doesn’t care enough, to have ever mentioned it to her. Or, like, when his mother (my grandmother) emptied her savings account to give my dad, my step mother, and my step sister money to move to FL, after they first married. My step mother doesn’t know about it. This story is especially hilarious for my mom and I when my step-mother used to go on the war-path with us; sugggesting that it was time that my MOM support me, rather than trying to get money from my dad or his mom. Bwahahaha-if she only knew how much money they got from my grandmother, that would’ve shut her up real quick. The list of this kind of stuff goes on and on, but no one talks about it (except me and my mom).
Anon76
July 31
7:57 pm
Exactly, Randi!
It’s those dirty little nuggets that make the “get over it and socialize” thing so hard.
Celebrations should be just that, rejoicing in the moment. Too hard to do if catty type crud is in the background, be it from male or female.
And so I have revised my “what would I do” answer. I’d do the same thing I have done for the last couple of years, don’t attend such “communal family events” if I have an inkling that it is a “make nicey nice” or a “do it for the family” thing.
I am a third wife to my hubster, but he started really young, like 16. Pregnancy and do the right thing type of deal. His choice. But though a third wife, we have been together, gads, 28 years.
While I didn’t enjoy going to gatherings with his first wife, I did it for the kids’ sake. Then one year, much later on, something changed.
Seems his ex’s new hubby was the same guy that broke up not only their marraige, but her second one too.
Such aweful nuggets and why people should not force other people to be together.
Sadly, my stepsons still insist on having a birthday party every year for every child on their dates with every member of the extended family.
I’m the evil stepmom, grandmom, cuz now I just say NO.
Anon76
July 31
7:59 pm
Oh, and must add that the thing that changed was that hubster no longer wanted to attend. That was the warning bell that told me that something was very wrong.
Dee Tenorio
July 31
8:55 pm
I’m with Julie Leto.
I’ve been in a situation with a woman who was yelling at me about not having my facts right about her long term relationship, completely oblivious to the fact that a) we’d only just heard about her and b) she was the “other woman” and clearly still had no clue.
At the time I just sat there with my jaw dropped, because the male in that situation was perfectly content to have ME drop the bomb on her and play the role of the bad guy. I said nothing to correct her misconception because by then I was pretty sick of being used, and she went about her blind, merry way.
I don’t think caring about something that happened ten years ago makes you sick or in need of therapy if you JUST found out. I’d definitely be mad. Would I take it up with her? No, she doesn’t know either. I’d go find the ass and privately ask him what the hell is going on. Turn the screws on him and remind him that we’ve managed to build a working relationship in spite of the divorce. So where does he get off lying about this to both of us? Then I’d tell him to straighten this out with his wife because I don’t appreciate her telling people so casually that my husband cheated on me. And, as was stated above, if people can count–and kids can–it will reflect on our kids. And if he has a problem with telling his wife the truth, they have bigger issues in their marriage to deal with.
It can be done quietly, without making a scene or a big bruhaha. But I sure as hell would not allow a lie like that to continue once I know about it because that’s not a sleeping dog. That’s a landmine.
Jody W.
August 1
2:41 pm
I would keep the information quiet until it could be more effective — like Randi mentioned, if somebody *else* started a fight, I’d have massive ammunition. Otherwise, what’s the point besides humoring my ego?
Besides, I could always write a book, probably a best seller, where the plot mysteriously paralleled what REALLY happened. Who’s going to question me on its similarity to real life–the ex? *heh* I think not.