This week’s dilemma is as follows:
You and your husband are close friends with your next door neighbours, Lucy and Neil. You frequently go out together, and you and Lucy are especially close.
One day, you’re out shopping when you see somebody who resembles Neil. You look more closely, and you see that it is indeed your next door neighbour, and he is kissing a woman who is not his wife.
What do you do? Do you A, confront him, with what you know, B, tell his wife, or C keep quiet because it’s not really any of your business?
What would you do?
Las
August 21
12:11 pm
Well, considering there very few relatives whom I would tell, I’m certainly keeping my mouth shut in this case.
No one knows what goes on in other people’s marriages. She might know he cheats and accept it for various reasons. She might be clueless and choose not believe you because she’s just that pathetic and desperate. Hell, they might even have an open marriage. Unless it’s a very close friend who has specifically told me that I’m to tell her if I were to find out that her husband was cheating, I’m staying out of it.
SarahT
August 21
12:44 pm
In a case like this, the sensible thing would be stay out of it, but I know I’d end up telling her. If she chooses to brand me a liar and end our friendship, frankly she deserves him. Sorry if that sounds harsh but this happened to me in real life when I caught a friend’s boyfriend cheating on her. When I told her, she chose to believe his lies and cut all contact with me. Needless to say, he dumped her a few months later. My sympathy was limited.
Shiloh Walker
August 21
12:46 pm
If she’s a friend of mine, I tell her. If he’s a friend, I discuss with him first. May well end a friendship, but I couldn’t keep something like that secret.
Ciar Cullen
August 21
12:51 pm
I’d do what I did many years ago when I saw my mentor/professor’s husband kissing a young student. I confronted him, told him he had two days to tell his wife, and if he didn’t, I would. Sure, it was none of my business. But I’d do it again. They ended up working through things and now, decades later, are still married.
HeatherK
August 21
1:10 pm
I once had a friend’s boyfriend ask me out while she was in another room. I told him no then went and told her what the creep had done. They didn’t last much longer after that, and our friendship remained as strong as it always had been.
Hmm, in the case presented above, I think I would talk to MY husband before anything was said to anyone else. I might even have the husband ask her husband about what went on and see how he reacts. I would then decide to tell her or not depending on how her husband reacted to the confrontation. If it turns out they have an open marriage, as someone higher up suggested, then I’d be asking her all sorts of questions—for research purposes of course!
Fae Sutherland
August 21
1:19 pm
Not a word, not a single word. Not my business, not gonna get shot as a messenger. For a sister, a best friend, yes I’d say something, but other than those few people, everyone else can guard their own backyard.
Miranda
August 21
1:42 pm
That’s a hard one. It would eat me alive if I didn’t do anything. I would like to say that I would go up to them and make small talk. See if he was uncomfortable or told me who she was- but in real life I might not have the guts to do that. If not, I would call him up and ask him about it. Unless my husband persuaded me of a different course of action – he is very good helping me see clearly in situations like this.
MB (Leah)
August 21
1:58 pm
Heh, my sister is in this position currently. Her and the hubby have a couple friend who they hang with all the time. The wife is always talking to my sister that she suspects that her husband is fooling around. And yes, he is. In fact, when my sis and her hubby met up with him on a vacay, he showed up with another woman.
So my sis is between a rock and hard place, but won’t get in the middle.
Personally, it all depends on how close I am to either of them. If she is my best, closest friend, I’d risk saying something. If they are just a casual- casual/close couple friend, I might stay out of it. Or I might ask my hubby to talk to the straying guy as my sister has done.
Christine Rimmer
August 21
2:10 pm
Depends on so many things: how close I am to the wife, first of all. And how long our relationship has existed. If she was truly a best friend for years, I’d have a hard time not doing anything. I would tell my DH and get his take and then…
Just don’t know…
Diane V
August 21
2:42 pm
I have told on 2 occasions – once the husband was cheating and once the wife (who actually was a very good friend prior to the cheating.)
Not to be a busybody, but out of concern for the cheater’s spouse and kids. I already lost a college roommate to AIDS because of her sexual promiscuity during our college years, and I don’t think its fair when supposedly committed people risk the health of their family by cheating.
KCfla
August 21
2:43 pm
I’m with MB-
It would depend on how close we were. Best friends?- you betcha I’d tell her ( or have DH confront the guy). But if it was a “casual” frienship, I’d just talk to hubby about it.
But it would suck either way.
Venus Vaughn
August 21
3:20 pm
If Lucy and I are actually close friends, I prepare to lose the friendship and tell her anyway.
maddie
August 21
5:01 pm
I would have to say something, I have to agree with Diane V about STD’s Aides HPV, Herpes.
And the whole thing with the kill the messenger, how do you think the spouse being cheated on will feel when she/he finds out that you knew all along.
Most friendships are ended when the cheated on finds out that their friend knew and said nothing, they will lose trust in their friendship.
Most spouses know something is going on when their partner is stepping out on them and when they do confront only to be told their crazy is gaslighting and abusive.
Because someone you trusted lied to you by omission.
OK off my soapbox I would tell the cheating spouse he/she has the end of the day to confess to their partner, or I will be making a phone call.
Amarinda Jones
August 21
6:57 pm
Simple – if I am her friend I would confront him.
Anon76
August 21
6:59 pm
I must be getting jaded in my old age. These tires are too worn to pussyfoot around about stuff.
See the guy in a shopping mall smooching on another woman? Swallow my shock and walk right up and say hello.
Then it’s his problem, not mine. Cuz he’ll be all freaked out wondering if I will go to wifey and just exactly what I saw. Let him turn on the spit.
JulieLeto
August 21
7:17 pm
I’m with Ciar. That’s what I would probably do…however, I can’t say I wouldn’t confront him on the spot if it were a good friend of mine. I’d probably punch his lights out. But I’m wired that way.
Then he’d have to go home and explain his black eye to his wife, in addition to the lipstick on his collar.
Barbara
August 21
9:17 pm
My husband and I were having a similar conversation when we “thought” we saw someone we knew with someone other than their spouse. Honestly, I think unless it was my sister or a close family member, I’d keep my trap shut. It’s not my business.
West
August 22
12:15 am
I’d keep quiet. Unless it’s a close friend, and I *know* the circumstances of their marriage. One of my best friends is in an open marriage, and I am one of the very few people who know that. What if that’s the case, and these friends/neighbors just don’t feel comfortable telling me?
If it’s a close friend, I’d confront the cheater and give them a time limit to tell his/her spouse on their own or I’ll do it for them. Otherwise, I’m not getting involved.
sallahdog
August 22
1:20 am
Nope, not going there.. No good has ever come from me butting into this kind of thing (and I did a few times when I was younger)…
Diana
August 22
7:07 pm
Not one single word. Frankly, it’s not my business. Like others have said, they could have an open relationship. She could know that he cheats on her and just doesn’t care/doesn’t want to know. Unless she’s specifically confided in you that she worries about his fidelity, and won’t you tell her if you see anything – why is THEIR marriage YOUR business?!
Either way, unless you are her bosom buddy, you’re just going to come off looking like a gossipy, trouble-mongering busybody if you tell her; 9 times out of 10, she won’t believe you or won’t want to.
Steve Clark
May 12
3:44 pm
It is easy to catch a cheating spouse by tracking his/her computer usage. You can try a PC surveillance software, like Power Spy. It lets you know EXACTLY what others do on your PC while you are away. Such monitoring acts so stealthily that the user won’t know its existence. You can receive log reports via your secret email or ftp periodically and catch the cheater in no time. The tool is downloadable from the ematrixsoft.com site for free. Now, you can reveal the truth by yourself.