I heard about Scarlett Rose And The Seven Longhorns from Has Book Pusher over on Twitter a while ago. I was curious at the time, but I couldn’t actually bring myself to buy it straight away.

There seems to be a trend lately of having the most outrageous shape-shifters. I’m pretty sure there’s a story about a were-duck out there, but I have my limits, ya know?

Anyway, I resisted for a while, but I had a look at the price on my Kindle, and it was only £3.54, so I thought why not? Why not indeed. Sigh.

Basically, this is a story about a woman called Scarlett who obviously has the biggest vagina in the world, since she gets to share it with seven longhorn shapeshifters, who all love her to death, and swear to protect her from all the evil people trying to kill her.

Here’s the actual blurb from the Book Strand website:

Siren LoveXtreme Forever: Erotic Cowboy Paranormal Menage Romance, M/F/M/M/M/M/M/M, Longhorn shape-shifters, light bondage]

After a traumatic and mysterious fall off a cliff, which results in amnesia, virginal twenty-one-year-old Scarlett Rose is saved by seven sexy cowboy brothers. Frightened and disoriented, her confusion peaks when she immediately feels an inexplicable, intense attraction to the beautiful strangers, including a doctor, a mysterious nightshift ranch hand, a set of triplets, and a set of twins!

Scarlett’s reality receives another sucker punch when she discovers her heroes are actually Texas longhorn-shifter cowboys who claim she is their destined, life-long mate.

The Lenox brothers have waited their entire lives to find the one woman they were born to share. Their newly discovered mate exceeds their wildest dreams. She’s gorgeous, witty, and her blood-red lips drive their bulls wild with passion.

But this Texas yellow rose has thorns. She demands outside contact, but the men insist on protecting her from the mysterious person who hurt her. They decide the only way to get their stubborn mate to stay is if they make sure she never wants to leave.

With a blurb like that, how could I possibly resist buying this book?

Anyway, as I suspected, it was terrible in the most craptastic way. Throughout the book, I kept wondering if Lola Newmar was really Carol Lynne in disguise.

One thing that the author definitely had in common with Carol Lynne was her fondness for the word “fuck”. The Longhorns seemed to use the expletive in every other sentence. Also, the villains were beyond cookie-cutter evil. Over the top bad, in a way that was amusing rather than credible. Actually, I’m pretty sure that the word ‘credible’ and this book should never be used in the same sentence.

I have to mention that one of the characteristics of the men were that whenever they got turned on, they sprouted mini versions of their longhorns. This made me wince all the way through the book. I can’t think of anything less sexy than a bloke sprouting horns whenever his cock gets hard. This might just be my own personal prejudice of course.

I’m pretty sure that Lola Newmar was probably high as a kite when she wrote this book, and is probably secretly laughing somewhere in the universe at the fact that her editor thought it was a great idea to publish it in the first place. You’ve got to give kudos to a writer who can write this bad a book, and still have hundreds of people flocking to read it out of curiosity. Clever strategy, or just sheer dumb luck. You decide.

Anyway, there’s not much else to say about Loving Scarlett, so here’s an adult excerpt to whet your appetites:

She never expected her first sexual encounters to be outside in the
grass. In such a dreamy, lusty state, Scarlett allowed Levi to hold her
rope-bound wrists above her head as Rhett ripped her panties off,
exposing her freshly shaved pussy for all the men to see.
“W–wait, shouldn’t we go inside?” she asked nervously. She felt
so exposed and self-conscious.

“No time.” Sonny growled as he ran his hands down the side of
her waist then reached behind to grasp her ass harshly. “I can’t
believe you’re ours,” he whispered as he kneaded her ass cheeks, the
skin damp from the evening dew of the grass she lay on. Sonny then
grabbed one thigh while Rhett grabbed the other, and like rabid bulls,
they both plunged their mouths down to her pulsing pussy.

She arched her back from the pleasure of having two tongues lick
her cunt, only to be pleasantly surprised to find Levi had chosen that
opportunity to suckle on one of her tits while he jiggled the other with
his hand.
“Oh, my fucking God, look at those titties jiggle. So perfect.”
With that, he took the other one in his mouth and sucked while his
tongue lapped around the hardened nub. He gently bit down on one,
and that was all it took for Scarlett’s climax to approach. By that time,
she’d noticed the other three men had kneeled next to them, their
jeans pulled half down as they jerked their hard, enormous cocks.

Yeah, you know you wanna get it. *G*

If you want to read more, you’re going to have to take one for the team like I did.

You can buy Loving Scarlett from Amazon.com here, and from Amazon UK here.

Here are the other books in the series with accompanying To Buy links. Happy reading!