HomeReviewsInterviewsStoreABlogsOn Writing

An apparently self-pubbed author on Goodreads asked for people to give her feedback on a story she’d started writing. Well you know me, being the good Samaritan that I am, I went over and left this feedback on her blog.

Hi there

For me there were lots of telling and not enough showing. I find that I’m irritated at the heroine because of how casually she accepts her boyfriend cheating on her. This is such a bad message that as a romance reader, it puts me off wanting to continue with the story. I’m concerned with the age of the heroine in comparison the age of the hero. 21 is too young for this particular heroine I think. Also, I hate that the boyfriend has such a ghetto name, and coupled with him being a cheating skank, I feel that he’s fulfilling a really negative stereotype.

Just a couple more things, J’s internal dialogue is way too stilted, and her cyber conversation with Steve (sorry, but for me that’s a terribly generic name) just doesn’t inspire me to think he’s anything other than a pervert trying to get some ass. Had you made the heroine older, I might have felt differently.

In all honesty, I want an IR that doesn’t conform to every stereotype known to man, and the premise of this story wouldn’t inspire me to buy it, if it was in the shops.

Having said all of the above, I guess it depends on who your overall target audience is. If it’s for the average romance reader, then there’s no way this will do, however if it’s for those readers who expect guys called Deshawn to be cheating skanks, then go for it.

I thought that the above was pretty tame in comparison to my usual level of honesty, but I guess it depends whether or not she was truly looking for honest feedback, or just an ego-stroke. I’ll know what kind of author she is, if she doesn’t let my feedback through.

Oh by the way, so far, the feedback that she’s let through have been mostly positive. Why are people such enablers? The truth is, it really wasn’t great. Obviously it’s a bit late because apparently it’s already up for sale on Amazon. I just hope she ripped it up and started again, otherwise she won’t be selling many copies…

Oh and as a treat, chapter two is here.



  • Mireya
    February 5
    2:11 pm

    She removed chapter 2 it seems.

    So it is s self-published author. I am sure she’s going to swear she had it edited as she put it up for feedback in her blog/site and whatnot. *g*

    Either way, sometimes, when people ask for “feedback” they really mean “feedback I want to hear”. It’s not that different in real life when people ask others for “advice”.


  • Hi Mireya, well good for her, she let it through, apparently she doesn’t know how to unmoderate the comments. Anyway, I’m curious as to why she removed Chapter 2, especially when it’s already up on Amazon.


  • I had planned to read that and give feedback, but forgot. I did requests like that when I first started out, and try to help out when I can. I have a critique partner now.


RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment