Dear Jeanne Sumerix, (TM Dear Author)

(Why don’t you have a decent website?)

I honestly don’t know why I continue with Genesis Press books, I really don’t. Admittedly, Rendezvous With Fate has been in my TBR pile forever, but still…

One common thing I’ve noticed about the majority of GP books that I’ve read is the extremely poor editing. The typos are also higher than average, which annoys the hell outta me.
Other equally annoying commonalities? Bad dialogue, bad technical writing, purple prose galore, stupid eupemisms for the vagina, dumbass heroines, and heroes who are so pansy-like they make Ru Paul look macho.

Anyway, on with your story. Here’s the blurb from Amazon:

Leela and Jack’s impassioned love affair of eighteen years ago draws them to revisit old feelings. They share a son that Jack knows nothing about and Leela won’t tell. They agree to be friends but the embers are still burning and they are thrust back in time where history repeats itself.

The premise was interesting enough, secret baby plot and all, but by the time I got to the 20th page, I knew this was not going to end well.

At this point can I mention how bad your dialogue tags were? Not only that, but the actual dialogue between your characters were so ridiculous that I had to keep checking which character was saying what.

For instance, does this really sound like something a seventeen year old, basketball-lovin’ teenage boy, would say to his mother?

Mom, I’ve been thinking of taking my first two years at the community college with you. We could be roomies or something

Would a boy who loves, basketball, fishing, and hunting, really want to share a room with his mother at college? Seriously?

I’m pretty sure that a seventeen year old boy, wouldn’t do or say the following either:
(Context, the mother, our heroine, is asking her son if he would mind having a step-father)

Alex, still very serious said, “No mom. Grandpa was all the father I needed” Then smiling broadly at her he tweaked her nose (Do 17-year old boys really tweak their mothers’ noses these days?) and said. “If your true love comes along, I’d never stand in your way”

Seriously?

Not only could you not write plausible teenage boy speak, you also had trouble changing your female ‘voice’, when it came to writing from the hero’s point of view. Your hero thought like a woman, and spoke like a woman would. It got to a point where your hero and heroine were almost interchangeable. That’s not a good thing surely?

Also the plot? Come on now, this could have been a perfectly readable book, but unfortunately, you turned it into one big cheesey cliche. I can live with cliches, but coupled with so much cheese? Not so much.

Let’s have a look at some examples shall we?

Heroine got pregnant when she was a teenager and didn’t tell hero?  Check the ‘secret baby plot’ box.

Girl leaves town for a short while, and when she comes back to tell the hero that she wants to be with him, he’s left allegedly with another girl?  Check the ‘Paper-thin conflict that could have been solved with just one conversation’ box.

Girl hasn’t been in a decent relationship for nineteen years because nobody could measure up to the hero?  Check the big old ‘Magical Penis’ box.

Hero hasn’t been in a decent relationship for nineteen years because no other vagina can beat that of his first love?  Another big fat check in the ‘Special Vajayjay’ box.

The hero and heroine get back together, but the hero’s ex girlfriend, (unfortunately named Nora) is a jealous bitch from hell who can’t take no for an answer, so tries to scupper the H&H’s relationship?  Check the ‘Cookie-cutter jealous ex-lover’ box.

The jealous bitch from hell tells the heroine something quite upsetting, and she believes her, even though she knows that the bitch wants her man?  Check, check.

Rendezvous With Fate read like a really bad HQN Presents book, all you needed was the billionaire sheik, and this could have been sold as a Presents story. (No offense to all you Presents lovers out there).

Also, I want you to know that nothing irritates me more, than reading the following during a love scene:

Moving her, guiding her, until he slid his throbbing manhood into her smooth, pulsating treasure box.

Are you fucking kidding me? Throbbing fucking manhood? It’s a COCK.

Also, treasure, freaking box? Come on, surely as a writer you could have done better than that? You didn’t have to use the ‘c’ word, but surely you could have found a better euphemism for the vagina, than ‘treasure box’?

Also, what was with the purple prose?

Gazes met and held.The earth stood still to allow for these two powerful forces to become one. Tenderly he lowered his mouth to her waiting lips. Her lips parted as he slid his tongue between the soft , sweet flesh. He explored the tender silk, and drank of its confection…

If I wanted to read this kind of crap, I’d pick up a historical.

The one thing that I can’t forgive in this book was how fucking dull it was. The other day,  I IMed Jane, and asked her if it was a good thing to be thinking about why 12% of people spammed, actually bought goods from the spam e-mails, whilst I was reading an anal scene in an erotic romance book.
Your book had a similar effect on me, except this time, I caught myself wondering why I never knew that Mars Bars were made by Masterfoods.

What a total waste of money and two hours.

Book? £6.99. Fireplace? £699. Throwing book into fireplace? Fucking priceless.