Ahhh Madris DePasture, she really is the gift that just keeps on giving.

Several people sent this rant to me yesterday, so I thought I’d post the salient bits on here. The e-mail was from Madris, to her beloved authors. Vidi:

For those of you who’ve been with us here at NCP for a while, you’ve very likely heard this speech before, but we have a lot of new authors now who haven’t, so please bear with me. I’ve recently had another nasty run-in with an author and felt like I should post something to explain since you’ve no doubt heard by now what a hateful, nasty bitch I am.

Damn, people are calling her a nasty bitch now? How verry dare they?

I’ve been accused of being blunt. I am. I don’t deny it. I’m southern born and bred, but I’ve got a good bit of the Scot in me—so, yes, I can be excruciatingly blunt. I am, have always been, and always will be as courteous, respectful, professional, and polite as I possibly can be, however, as long as I’m approached in that manner. I can, and will, be as mean, nasty, hateful, and rude as yoU can be, maybe a good deal more than you can, if you verbally attack me and insult me.

That’s the bottom line. Treat me as you would like to be treated. I expect it. I require it and as long as authors approach me with any question or doubt and treat me with the respect I deserve, I’ll respond as politely as I can. I don’t need, want, or expect brown nosing. I will not brown nose. I will apologize ONLY when I am wrong.

If I was a newbie author and I received an e-mail like this, I’d have to at least wonder what I’d let myself in for, but I guess the Desperate-To-Be-Published don’t give a crap as long as somebody’s willing to publish their work.

We’re always happy to get new authors and hope that they’ll be successful and sell many books. Authors should understand coming into this business, however, that we, as publishers, have no more control over how well you do, or how badly you do, than any other publisher. We try to take what you’ve produced and present it to our customers as appealingly as possible, but, in the end, the customers decide what they like, what they don’t like, and what they have no interest in.

Wow. Let us all marvel at her motivational and inspirational way of addressing her new authors for a minute…

Regardless, we have one of the largest customer bases in the business and it is HIGHLY unlikely that your book will sell better than it does at NCP. For those of you busy burning your bridges, keep in that mind and you should also keep in mind that I make it a policy never to do business with anyone I know will stab me in the back.

Your contract clearly states that you will support NCP and promote the company. Every single author who has gone on record trashing this company on the internet is in breach and has made my list.

And the sad thing is, her words will probably frighten some of her authors into keeping quiet about her ill-treatment of them.

I do realize that a lot of people are feeling the stress of the economic crises. Biting the hand that might feed you isn’t the smartest move you could make, however, and, as I told my last husband before I booted him to the curb—Don’t take out your frustrations on me. I won’t stand for it. I will try to help if there’s any way I can, but I’m not going to be your doormat or your punching bag. I don’t turn the other cheek.

As always, this material is © copyrighted by Madris DePasture and any reproduction in whole or in part is a copyright violation that will be reported. (KS: Oh goody!)

I bet her authors felt all lovely and warm inside after reading this latest rant.

Batshit isn’t the word. She might even be in the same league as The Vicious Rhinoceros and her side-kick.

We haven’t talked about NCP in a while have we? Well let’s see how they’re doing shall we?

Apparently their doors are open to new authors and they are “always taking submissions”. Of course they are. Their authors are leaving them in their droves, and are asking for the rights to their books back, left, right and centre.

I also heard that they asked Blogger.com to tell Ellen Ashe to delete all the NCP-related posts on her blog. The real shame of it, is that she did. If I’d still been using Blogger, and they’d written to me, I’d have moved the whole damn blog before I took a single post down.

Anyway, it seems that they are still looking for people to work for them:

Here’s the ad for the author liaison role: (You remember their former liaison officer don’t you? James Lightsey. He’s the guy who allegedly tried to sell new NCP print books on Amazon, so that TPTB wouldn’t have to pay any royalty to their authors. Stellar guy.)

Position: Author Liaison

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Answer emails from authors/handle author problems-keep email and physical addresses current-return contracts-filing contracts-routing artwork questionnaires-update contracted books list(Excel)-send authors marketing/promotion tips-company updates-artwork. Scheduling information-track author orders/booksignings. Online promotions (author/reader chat group)

That didn’t sound much like their old author liaison person now did it? Also, didn’t Madris get rid of the Reader Group a while ago?  Shall we attempt a re-write?

OK, here’s mine:

Author Liaison Officer

The ideal candidate must have a firm understanding of how a legitimate e-publisher works. He/she must show a willingness to lie, and cheat upon instruction. He/she must be an expert in the art of prevarication, and have the ability to give vague answers whenever questioned about inconsequential issues, such as royalty payments not being received.

He must also be fully commited to screwing authors over when necessary. Professionalism is not an absolute requirement, but the ideal candidate must be able to refrain from using the C word to describe his/her authors. The F word is much more widely used and acceptable.

The ideal candidate must have some grasp of the English language, but must not get hung up on inconsequential details like the appropriate use of punctuation, and the utilisation of the spell-check function.

Whilst we here at New Concepts Publishing, do not believe in showing favouritism to any specific author, the ideal candidate will have a comprehensive understanding of what the term ‘black-balling’ refers to, and must be willing to initiate this action upon request, or as he/she sees fit.

Now, doesn’t that sound more like it?

Anyway, there are a few more positions available, here’s one for a customer service person:

Position: Customer Service/Receptionist

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Customer Service-answer customer emails–handle customer order problems-bookstore liaison.
Receptionist-phone calls-mail pickup-mail routing/sort-take phone orders-rout mail in orders-type invoices for both mail in and phone orders–order routing.

Here are a couple more to choose from:

Position: Editors/Proof readers

Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Editors/Proof readers-edit-proof read manuscripts. Write blurbs and one liners for books. Requires superior knowledge of grammar/excellent reading skills and ability to read and evaluate all genres-good well rounded knowledge. We publish Romance and Erotica-subgenres Contemporary, Historical, Fantasy, Futuristic, and Paranormal, and readers must be able to spot a wide variety of problems in
areas from scientific to historical details. If you are easily offended by graphic materials, you should not apply. Familiarity with outlook express, typing skills, good working knowledge of MSWord.

Position: Bookkeeper
Qualifications/Responsibilities:

Bookkeeping-payroll-accounts receivable-accounts payable-royalty statements-taxes-stock ordering-billing.

So how would you guys re-write any of the above job ads?

The winner will have the privilege of having their ad posted on the blog.

I know, my generosity knows no bounds.