There are lots of swear words in this review, and I believe the ‘C’ word pops up too. You have been fucking warned.

These days I tend to go out of my way to avoid books that I know I’m going to hate before I read them.

Of course I totally blame Katiebabs for urging me to read Fifty. But I thought I’d give it a game go anyway. It’s not like I had much to lose.

I was wrong of course. I lost precious time in my life that I can never get back. Sigh.

Regular readers of this blog will know that I am not fond of BDSM. Actually I hate it. There have been some exceptions to that rule, Maya Banks’ Sweet Persuasion being one. (Good book!)

I tried to read Fifty with an open mind, I did, I did, but unfortunately, E.L James did not help matters.

This review will be full of spoilers I’m afraid, so if you plan on reading this book any time soon, this review is not for you, so scat!

Bella Swan Anastasia Steele is a student who agrees to do her best friend Katie Kavanagh a favour, and interview billionaire Edward Cullen Christian Grey for some reason or other (seriously, am I supposed to remember such details?)

Bella Anastasia (Ana for short) is a bit of a clumsy oaf, she’s nervous and unsure of herself, and basically trips up in front of the debonair Edward Christian. She then proceeds to blush, flush and internally scream holy shit/crap for the rest of the interview.

Edward Christian is the first guy that’s ever affected Bella Ana this way, oh my she’s totally besides herself, and can barely string a sentence together, even though we’re led to believe that she’s an apparently articulate, intelligent girl.

Cutting to the chase (I really want to finish reliving this book now), Edward Christian thinks that Bella Ana is the cat’s meow (or the vicar’s knickers, take your pick) and so proceeds to stalk her by turning up in the most random of places. Always with a legitimate excuse of course.

Bella Ana and Edward Christian eventually give in to their lust and they share a passionate kiss in an elevator. (Yeah, that old elevator kiss scene never gets old does it?) Edward Christian tells Bella Ana that he’s no good for her, and they try to stay away from each other, but OMFG, THE LUST IS TOO MUCH TO BEAR, so they find each other again. Via Edward Christian randomly stalking Bella Ana of course.

Because Edward Christian trusts Bella Ana and shit, he totally shows her his Play Room, or as Bella Ana so aptly named it, the Red Room of Pain. Due to the torture devices and whatnot that littered the room. The way that Bella Ana described it, it seemed to be a posh version of a cell in Guantanamo Bay. Minus the middle eastern prisoners of war of course. (more…)